Milestone birthday

[Mintstripes]

I’ve been NC from my FOO for about 5 years. Typical dysfunctional scenario with abuser unPD F (my theory is narc BPD), enabler covert narc M, GC flying monkey younger sibling and me as the SG.

My mother has a milestone birthday approaching and all I can think of is how wild it is that she’s never changed. Knowing my FOO, I’m sure they believe all sorts of delusions and have convinced themselves that they are the victims and that I am the problem. I tried going NC several times in my adult life with NF while remaining in contact with NM, until
I realized that there was no “better parent” and that they were a package deal. She was intent on forcing the happy families narrative on me and enlisted various relatives as flying monkeys throughout the years, who I no longer speak to either.

Dysfunctional families send shock waves throughout family and extended family systems. It’s a lonely world, being the SG and NC initiator. Anyway, those are some of my reflections with this milestone birthday coming up. I still feel some guilt surrounding it (but certainly won’t break NC because of it). Literally no one in this world understands me. I have not yet met anyone else who is estranged from their parents.

Would love to hear your experiences with milestone dates. Not looking for advice, just wanted to express myself in a safe space and share thoughts.

[JollyJazz]

Just sending support Mint! hope you are doing well!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hey Mint, I'm from a very similar family system. Dad NBOCDPD with some ASPD traits, mom more covert NOCPD. I'm the SG, oldest child. It's been three years since I've seen any of my family members.

They are a package deal in my experience as well. It is lonely being the only one out, but honestly it was just as lonely or worse on the inside. I don't know anybody in real life estranged the way I am (from in-laws as well, here). But I have found a compassionate friend or two who at least believe me and accept me when I share I'm feeling grief and can talk with on occasion, and have never challenged my NC. In fact once I told my story with NF, they fully agreed that I need to stay away from F and keep my children away for their own safety no matter what they pull to hoover me. That was hugely validating. These friends also grew up in dysfunction and have done significant personal work, but have chosen to remain in contact with strong boundaries.

It is wild to think they will never change, because part of being human is to learn and grow. It's hard to accept. But harder for us to accept the alternative. I have lost all connection to my extended family, and I'm better for it. That defies normal logic for most people, but pruning away the dead and decaying parts frees space for healthy and life giving relationships. That is what we need as adults. As adults those relationships are available to us in a way they couldn't have been in our families.

Hugs, and I hope you are able to take good care of yourself on your M's birthday. Of course you would like to be able to celebrate your mother in a normal way, but because of who she is it's a grief-filled day. I haven't hit a big milestone one that affected me particularly strongly but yes birthdays are hard days for you and me. It's an upside down, abnormal thing that has to be that way for us if we are to have a shot at "normal."

[blacksheep7]

I've been NC from my FOO for about 5 years. Typical dysfunctional scenario with abuser unPD F (my theory is narc BPD), enabler covert narc M, GC flying monkey younger sibling and me as the SG.

My mother has a milestone birthday approaching and all I can think of is how wild it is that she's never changed. Knowing my FOO, I'm sure they believe all sorts of delusions and have convinced themselves that they are the victims and that I am the problem. I tried going NC several times in my adult life with NF while remaining in contact with NM, until
I realized that there was no "better parent" and that they were a package deal. She was intent on forcing the happy families narrative on me and enlisted various relatives as flying monkeys throughout the years, who I no longer speak to either.

Dysfunctional families send shock waves throughout family and extended family systems. It's a lonely world, being the SG and NC initiator. Anyway, those are some of my reflections with this milestone birthday coming up. I still feel some guilt surrounding it (but certainly won't break NC because of it). Literally no one in this world understands me. I have not yet met anyone else who is estranged from their parents.

Would love to hear your experiences with milestone dates. Not looking for advice, just wanted to express myself in a safe space and share thoughts.

I  would also go to see my M when NF wasn't there for a while in my thirties.

As a matter of fact I saw NM the last time at her milestone birthday.  I was vvvvlc at that point and decided that I would go, that it wouldn't be to bad since there was about 30 people, mostly family.  She cried when she saw me.

I have to mention that when I had reconnected with her after a first nc, three years before that birthday, she said that we should turn the page and start fresh.  I broke down and cried and told her that she had hurt me.  She remained stoic.

Yes it is lonely at the top being the only one nc in the foo.  But hey, my anxiety level is soooooooo low to none that I would never go back. I have a peaceful life (no drama) the way it should be..... I have never felt better.  I know that I am a good person as all of us on this board.  We deserved better treatment.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi Mintstripes - over the years, milestones like these must be hard  I hope they are getting easier for you.

I'm newly NC with my own covert Narc tendencies/enabling M. She was part of the package deal too sadly, pressing my uNPD/uASPD sib's agenda on me and siding with them, painful but I had to dip. Her birthday came and went this year. First milestone for me. It was both harder and easier than I expected. I did unblock to send her a text wishing her happy birthday but blocked any response that could come immediately afterward. No presents or cards sent.

I weirdly felt OK with no presents since every year prior I'd ask excitedly "what would you like for your birthday?!?!" and she'd do the "martyrly" "oh no please don't get me anything I really don't have anything I want or need"

So I'm taking her up on that now. If she somehow makes me feel guilty about it if I shift to VVVLC someday, or if she's resentful right now, then I'll know it was all an act over the years! 

[Mintstripes]

Hi everyone and thank you for responding.

The package deal situation is real. After so many years, I was able to see that it was impossible to extricate any of my FOO from the unbreakable system of dysfunction they all enabled and supported. Contact with any of them meant that I would still be trapped in their system, even from a distance.

Jolly: thank you 

CMC: Absolutely, it is abnormal. But I won't let that define me. Sometimes, I think about how strange it is that I happened to get the FOO I did, that I am one of those people estranged from her own parents, that I am one of those people who did not get the parents and love I deserved. It's sad but also strengthens my resolve to be completely different (read: healthy and loving) as a mother.

Black Sheep: We absolutely deserve better treatment. Often, that is difficult for me to internalize. You mean little old me is deserving of kindness and respect? What a novel idea!

Distance: The martyr act seems to be a common one, doesn't it? The old "after everything we did for you!" My own UnPDf would regularly expect accolades for doing the most basic of things, ie: what parents have a duty to do. I don't ever want to be the kind of mother who expects praise for providing for my child, both materially and emotionally.