New here...was left by partner with BPD...

[Jasper64]

Hello all...not sure if in correct part of the forum but this was closest I could find. My apologies if in wrong place.

My live in partner of 6 years has BPD...it has been difficult over the years via her rages and much else...the depressions. But we have made it thru.

Recently something terrible has happened. This started 2 months ago...sh eis a teacher, and put a facebook post up about her school via her covid ideas...very public, stating no rules were being followed ect...many parents belong to her page...she wrote them privately...and got fired of course...the school took out a restraining order on her.

A few weeks after that she announced to me she had been speaking to a stranger on facebook (for the previous 5 days) and thinks she is in love with him...she had never cheated on me before or anything like this. She literally moved out the next morning, hiring a uhual and taking every single thing of hers. I tried to reason with her to no avail.

I am unemployed...and she took our only car (we live way out in isolated countryside) and cleared our co bank account of every dime...leaving me here stranded with no way to even get a job.

She then moved 250 miles away to continue this "relationship" with this stranger she has never met...he, btw, lives in another country...3500 miles away...in a tiny village with his mother...she btw is 60 years old...

She then sent me an email telling me she has met the man of her life...she has never been so close to anyone...that she has no feelings for me and hasnt for years...that she and he are having phone cam sex numerous times a day...and then ghosted me...now she is on facebook announcing her new thing to the world and putting up pictures of this little english village and stating she is moving there soon to be with her great love...apparently he is paying for a ticket...she has split me black and he is entirely now white, the savior...

She has deep deep trauma from her childhood...abandoned by mother and grew up in orphanages, lots of sexual abuse...many tragic things...

I do not want her back, but I have been left stunned and incredibly depressed and lost...this has been a life changing event for me and not in any good sense...I feel totally abandoned by this person we both always said to one another that we were life mates...and this came out of the blue so suddenly and dramatically...

I thought I would reach out here as I am hurting so badly and confused......thank you.

 

[Simon]

Oh Jasper.
That's such a sad story.
And so much in common with my past situation, although there are aspects of yours that make it sound a little worse.

You say that she has been talking to a stranger for 5 days, and she thinks she is in love with him.
I would say that it has been going on for longer than that.
Read any books on BPD or Narcissism and you'll see that pattern throughout.
You also say that she never cheated on you before, in 6 years.
Again, as blunt as it sounds, it's probably not true.

My BPD ex left me a year or so ago for another man (though she told me on the day that there "wasn't anyone else".
Apparently, in the recovery process, which lasts for 8 - 16 years, the pathological lying is one of the last things to stop.
They just can't stop lying, and then lying on top of that to cover that lie, and so on.
As you come to terms with this, you'll recognise times when this happened, and you'll be amazed you didn't see them for the obvious lies they are.
I still look back staggered at just how easy it is for them to lie, and how convincing they are.

If she took all your money, and your car, then maybe it's time to get the law involved.
Surely she's not allowed to do that.
You need to get that sorted so you can at least live day to day, and then you can at least try to get your head around all this.

As for here moving to be with him, they are very impulsive, ridiculously so, but that's a huge move.
That does suggest that it's been going on for a while.

You then mention that she sent you an Email saying she's met the man of her life, never been so close to anyone, no feelings for you, and hasn't for years, phone cam sex every day, that they're life mates, etc.
These aren't the actions of someone who has fallen out of love, and then fallen in love with someone else.
These are the actions of someone with a personality disorder, who doesn't have any empathy, which means they are not capable of love, and are very spiteful, very sadistic.
Normal people don't try to destroy the person that they once loved.

And the posting on Facebook about the new relationship?
Again, textbook NPD/BPD.

And you mention the black and white splitting.
Yes, I was the hero when I started seeing my BPD ex, and she told me all about all her horrible ex's, and a year later I was the horrible ex (for looking after her so well), and her new man was the hero.
One day, without fail, he will be the villain, and she will jump straight to her new hero.
My advice to anyone still with their BPD or NPD partner is to get out now, because the experience you are describing WILL happen to them.
It's just a question of when.

Did your ex tell you many horrible stories about all her ex's?
That's textbook too, and I had to listen to all sorts of nonsense.
After only a couple of months of seeing her, I asked her not to keep telling me about her ex's.
I think she thought it was jealousy, and I let her think that, but it was just that by that time, I was having a hard time believing these incredibly disturbing stories.
I remember saying to her once that she must be the unluckiest person in the world!
I wasn't being funny either, as this was still when I believed what she was saying.
It just all seemed too far-fetched (which in the end, it was!)

Something else in common is the fact that my ex had a lot of childhood trauma too.
Can't say for sure about sexual abuse, although I suspected it, but having heard about the problems her dad had, and having met her vile mother many times, I know she had a terrible childhood.
That's no excuse for abusing others though.
No excuse at all.

So glad to hear that you don't want her back.
Really hope you stick to that.
The fact that she was allowed to Email you concerns me.
You obviously haven't gone no contact.
You need to block her number, her Email address, social media, etc, 100%
But you do need to sort out the money/car etc, and hopefully someone on here will have some experience in how to go about that.

To finish, I want to quote you on a couple of things:

You said: ".... this has been a life changing event for me and not in any good sense."

Please try to get hold of a copy of "Psychopath Free" by Jackson Mackenzie (think I spelt that right).
Multiple times He talks about how this IS the best thing to happen to you (and he's right).
The experience opens up a whole new view of the world, and of yourself.
Unfortunately, the place you're in right now doesn't allow you to see it, but in time you will.
And you will be happier than ever, relieved to have got out of the hellish situation you were in.

You Said: "..I feel totally abandoned by this person we both always said to one another that we were life mates.
..and this came out of the blue so suddenly and dramatically."

Yep, I was told the same, that we were soul mates, etc, and then you're discarded without a care.
Again, textbook, but so painful for normal people (not at all for the personality disordered).
And although it seemed like out of the blue to us, it wasn't to them.
They'd been planning it for a while.
Mine wasn't anywhere near as dramatic as yours though.
I feel for you.

Concentrate on sorting your own circumstances out, and take it one day at a time.
Really hope you have the strength to not get sucked back into a relationship with them.
Go no contact (no exceptions!), and live life for you.
Enjoy your own company, enjoy the hobbies that you've discarded during the relationship, stay fit, etc.
It will get easier.

Take care mate.

[Boat Babe]