Feeling down

[Justme729]

My life is incredibly stressful right now.   My boundaries and tolerance for her antics are wearing thin.   

She is texting me complaining she never hears from me anymore, but says she understands how busy things are right now.   Ok, maybe she's lonely.   Whatever.  I don't care.   She's one more thing on my late to deal with. 

I am going back to an old feeling of I just need to call her daily to avoid the text messages.   She never acts like she cares.   It feels like she's just out for drama.   She will say "I wish I could be there to help."  Well yeah, I wish we had family we could lean in on, but we don't.   When she does come it isn't helpful. She judges my relationship with hubby and how we parent and keep up with the house. 

I feel like being impacted professionally.  I am so used to having to stand my ground and assert myself.   I am positive it comes across the wrong way to my team.   Inflexible, unwilling to compromise, difficult to work with.   I am having a hard time.   Yet, it wears on me more when I take that step back.   However, I know from a professional standpoint I need too.  I don't know how to navigate.   Especially, when my anxiety kicks in and there is so much uncertainty in my job due to covid.  It impacts my relationship also with hubby.   But that's another story for another day. 

I also have some other trauma tearing up (not PD related) which is making me extra not pleasant to be around right now.   I'm trying to meditate, just keep my headspace right.   It's just hard.

[Hilltop]

It sounds like you have a lot going on which is tough.  You aren't responsible for anyone else's emotions.  If she is lonely that is on her to fix or deal with, not you.  You don't have to contact her every day if it's too much for you.  She has said she understands that you are busy well I would believe her, know that she knows you have a lot on and stop feeling guilty for not contacting her more.

I would work out when YOU would feel comfortable with contacting her and then stick to that plan.  That way you can focus on what you need to for the rest of the time.  The guilt you are feeling is taking energy from where it needs to go which is helping yourself and giving yourself time to meditate and spend time with your hubby and work out professional problems.

It just sounds like you are overwhelmed, some time out to just breathe would really help you get back into a better headspace.  It really doesn't need to be on your plate, if you receive a text complaining she doesn't hear from you could you reply with a simple "I'm busy with a work project at the moment I will speak to you on the weekend".  I know its never that easy hey but sometimes its important to take that time to relax and unwind.

Its ok to think about yourself and what you need.  Take the time you need, its important for you.

[hernoodlyness]

I feel everything you typed in your post. Last weekend I tried not contacting my mom for TWO days. And I got a text asking me why I am so quiet. Parents are coming for coffee tomorrow to see their grandkids and I feel like a frozen fear statue  
Hope your anxiety becomes a bit less- it is just such a horrible feeling. Reading through some of these posts and the validation it brings gives me some relief. SO thank you for sharing your post on the forum- makes me feel less alone with all this dread and disaster thinking

Hugs!

[Justme729]

Thank you!   I talked to my therapist.   She suggested EMDR. I'm all for trying anything at this point.   I'm sitting here feeling completely triggered.   My daughter has an away game at the fields I used to play at as a kid.   The whole area brings back both positive and negative memories.  Mourning what was- the good times.   Remembering the negative (how my mom would be the team parent, run concessions, keep score....then go home and blast my dad for never being involved, and tell us kids how she was the better parent).  I am flashing back to the embarrassing times where I was told I couldn't play with certain girls or socialize with them.   That I was too good for them, but I just wanted to fit in. I didn't aim to be popular, I just wanted to fit in.   She was happy when I was an outcast.   
So over half a life time later I'm brought right Back to those times.  I just want to watch my kid play her game.