I get so scared

[Prototypian]

This is a broken record.    But I'm a 6'1" tall guy nearly 200 lbs with a doctoral degree in science and a job as an executive.   I'm in great shape physically, don't drink or smoke and workout every day.   But I'm absolutely petrified scared of my 100 lb spouse blowing up and screaming at us and getting angry.   I keep hoping nothing will go wrong and she will not find something out of place or that the kids will do their stuff around the house so that the explosions won't happen.    We all hope nothing comes up.

Friday was so bad I was shaking all day worrying about the explosion that occurred early in the morning.   I'm so tired of this fear and these interrogations and this direct harsh anger.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks for sharing so openly, Jsinjin.  It sounds like her outbursts are really traumatizing to you.

I don't know your history, but many of us grew up in homes like this, when we didn't have adult bodies and options, and developed automatic trauma responses to similar situations.

I sure don't know of any easy or quick fixes.  But there are therapies and ways of working with this to begin healing.  You are probably familiar with many of them and may even be doing some.  I hope you find some things that work for you and your kids.

[Bunnyme]

Even if you are physically larger than she is, it doesnt mean that her emotional abuse is any less hurtful.  No one wants to walk on eggshells or deal with angry outbursts.  There is a perception that men should just tough it out, but who would want to live like that?  And with having to watch your children subjected to it as well, that has to be extremely hard.  We are here to support you. 

[notrightinthehead]

Here are some questions you could ask yourself: What happens when you tap into that fear? What is the worst she can do to you? What will you do then? What do you need in that moment to feel emotionally supported? How can you give that to yourself or obtain it? How can you emotionally distance yourself from her explosions and watch them as something that belongs to her and only to her?

[TheEscapeArtist]

I know how you feel. I'm 6 foot 3 with a 'good' job. I can stand in front of the board and face aggressive questioning about why this or that project is going wrong and take it in my stride but I would turn to jelly as soon as I got home because there was always something wrong and it was always my fault and there was never anything I could do to fix it.

I think it's something to do with rationality. The board are (largely) rational. Even if they don't like something, it's a fact and something they have to deal with in order to keep the business going. Whereas my ex would just shout and scream and hope that made the problem go away and there's nothing I could do about it.

As for physical size that only matters if you're going to use it which I never did, in fact it can be used against you. If I was to try and take my daughter out for a walk my ex would have stood in front of the door or even grabbed her from me. In theory I would have had the physical strength to keep going and walk out with my daughter but if I did that would have made me the violent one. So we just stayed in the house a lot

[Kat54]

I'm so sorry Jsinjin you have been going through this. Walking on eggshells around a person like that is A. Exhausting and B. You never win or have a good outcome no matter how much you try. They will always find something that isn't right. I think a lot of it comes from fear and anger on the persons part. But to be subjected to the abuse is horrible for you and your children. I know you have been trying for quite awhile to find a way out of the marriage.  I hope and pray that you can get your self away from the situation, and for your children.  The bondage you are in is breakable, you are the only one who is in the drivers seat.

I do remember from my marriage the paralyzing fear I had trying to leave my ex. Sometimes he would look at me with this death stare and ask me was I trying to start something with him.  It was his way of keeping me in line by intimidating me...and it would work.  But also along the way I was loosing a tremendous amount of respect toward him. And I actually started to not care about what he said or thought. It definitely is what helped save me, and also therapy.  The other side, freedom, also scary in its own new ways but not as scary as being with him, and I'm now in full control of my destination. 

I have faith you will get there, and continued good luck.

[Free2Bme]

Jsinjin,

Sadly......physical mass, strength and intellect don't factor in to this equation.  A small rudder turns a large ship. 

However, it takes more mental strength to remain self controlled while under attack, than to explode in a grown-up rage/tantrum over minutia.

Plan now for how you will handle the next episode. 

I would remove myself from the environment the second it begins spiraling.  Get in the car and drive away.

You can't stop it, or wish it away.................but you can refuse to be a willing party.

[Prototypian]

Thanks all.   This has been going from day 1.   I still remember moving up to the apartment after the wedding and start and there were all of these gifts from family and friends.    One was a set of glasses for the kitchen which I unpacked and out on the shelf in the kitchen while she was out.   She surprise I had was the absolute anger about doing that.   It wasn't an annoyance or an issue with where they were put or that perhaps she didn't like them and wanted to return them.    It was the anger that I had done that.   I couldn't understand and still can't understand why that type of thing makes her so very angry.   I was so shocked that I apologized and out the stuff away quickly and kind of figured there was something about glassware that was a trigger for her.   But it doesn't matter what it is.   It can be anything from laundry detergent to a blanket to my own choice of storage for my tools in the garage; there is an anger and yelling and a near violent behavior about surprising things that seem to have no real acceptable component of a problem.   But it becomes a fear of what might set her off because life can go from a happy family gathering or birthday party to violent screaming and absolute inquisition in nothing flat and no amount of decorum or social norms can quell it.   I've had family over with drinks and an outdoor fire and she found a stack of papers, ads, receipts, and garbage I had picked up as a pile of stuff that was laying on the kitchen island as a pretty big mess and I had placed it in a paper bag in the closet just so that part of the kitchen looked cleaner.   She found it and saw that the pile was gone and came striding out to where I was enjoying the evening to accost me and tell about the fact that this had been disturbed and some warranty was in it and where was it and why had I done this.   My mother and sister excused themselves and clearly there was enormous discomfort all around but my spouse wasn't going to back down just because family was there; we were going to have this discussion and it was going to occur right then.

[Free2Bme]

Jsinjin,

I ran across this today and wanted to share, ties with what you've been saying, pertaining to violence (any form) and cluster B behaviors:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOIH9tO3AG0

[Prototypian]

Thanks Free:

Lately I've been realizing, and it's hard to realize this, that the anger is pert of her.   It's so deeply part of her that there isn't much that exists outside of that weird angry, hurt, and anxious person.   She is just that.   There is no.other person besides this angry, self righteous inflexible person.

[Free2Bme]

Yes, this is a hard realization. 

Metaphorically, the same occurs with our physical bodies.  (Maybe it's because I am studying for board exams and immersed in pathology that I make this connection). 

Many times, a condition/disease process takes over an organ system much like the way I observed a personality disorder consume my H .  I felt sorry for him for a long time, then I came to realize he wanted to remain unhealthy (at the expense of others).

[Stillirise]

 

I was just thinking the same thing. I once had a family member who ignored obvious signs of illness, and refused to see a doctor for treatment.  His condition deteriorated, and ultimately was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  He passed away shortly after.  While it was a sad tragedy, we, his family, knew in the end that there was nothing we could have done to stop the cancer from taking over, nor could we have forced him to seek treatment he didn't want.

I now see my stbxUPDh in a similar manner. I tried for a really long time to help him, or make him see how his behaviors were harmful.  The difference between the stbx, and the loved one with terminal cancer, is the harmful behaviors of the PD were harming me and our children much more than they were harming him. 

I am also fearful of the stbx, so I understand that part of it, too.  I'm glad you're seeing that the anger, and your fear, are self-serving to her, and detrimental to you.