Releasing years of buried trauma

[Spirit in the sky]

Hi,

I have popped in and out since my father died 7 months ago. I thought I was doing ok but had a major emotional outburst yesterday. My mum told me my cousin (on my father's side had phoned her). This was enough to trigger my CPTSD and I tried to control it by changing the subject but my mum was quite insistent and then off hand with me.

I knew I was having a panic attack and usually I don't let her see me because she doesn't really understand why being reminded of my father bothers me so much. But there was no holding back I sobbed and wailed and howled, I think I scared her, I scared myself. I could speak but it seemed like all the buried emotions just wanted to be released.

I told my mum that throughout my father's illness I was living in constant fear. I tried to explain I didn't understand why I was terrified of him because I can't put into words the effects of the emotional abuse. She just kept saying he wasn't a bad person. And I tried to explain I wasn't saying he was a bad person but his behaviour was destructive.

I've rarely showed any emotional signs of weakness in front of either or my parents but they either ignored me or told me to pull myself together. Usually they were too busy arguing to notice anyway. I kind of hoped my mum would finally get it but nope, now she just thinks I'm being overly sensitive and getting things out of proportion. And I feel like there was no point opening up to her. She actually started to defend my father and I realise she's as much part of the problem as he was.

Growing up neither of my parents were 'safe' people to confine in so I buried all my hurt and pain of witnessing their dysfunctional relationship. The only good thing to come out of it was the release I felt after the howling and wailing, I finally allowed myself to show how much I had suffered internally for years.

[Boat Babe]

Hello Spirit. I totally get it and am hugging you and validating you from afar.  I am so sorry that your mother doesn't have it in her to do the same. I want to shake her on your behalf and say "Look. Spirit is in pain. Be nice for once.". But dysfunction is dysfunction and it continues to hurt.

I have been listening to Pete Walker's book about CPTSD and he talks about the need to grieve as part of the recovery process. I highly recommend the book if you haven't yet read it.

Sending you big hugs and healing vibes. ❤️

[Hepatica]

Spirit in the sky,
I just want to send you a hello and say that your experience touched me. I'm sorry you were so overwhelmed but I'm glad you got it out of your body. I wish your Mom got it but she didn't. The best next thing is that you moved on to self-reflection and self-care.

How you explained it highlights similar issues for me. The not being able to explain the feelings. The fact that you lived in constant fear during your father's illness. I think you summed it up so well about how you feel about you parent's - not bad people but destructive behaviour. I would say the same thing about mine.

It's good that you have an awareness and understanding of C-PTSD. That has helped me gain a bit of understanding of my days where the howling happens. I have them every once in a while and I didn't know it was C-PTSD until the past few years. Now I know how to practice self-care and that helps.

Just sending you a virtual hug. I'm sorry it was such a hard day and once again your mother had no idea how to soothe you. These are losses and I understand how hard it is.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you Boat Babe,

I've downloaded Pete Walkers book on audio.

Hello Spirit. I totally get it and am hugging you and validating you from afar.  I am so sorry that your mother doesn't have it in her to do the same. I want to shake her on your behalf and say "Look. Spirit is in pain. Be nice for once.". But dysfunction is dysfunction and it continues to hurt.

I have been listening to Pete Walker's book about CPTSD and he talks about the need to grieve as part of the recovery process. I highly recommend the book if you haven't yet read it.

Sending you big hugs and healing vibes. ❤️

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you Hepatica,

I thought when he died the trauma would be over. Now I realise I still have a lot of issues with my mother. She still makes me feel like a terrified little girl, and I walk on eggshells around her too.

I'm learning I don't have to live in fear anymore. It's time for me to re-parent myself.

Spirit in the sky,
I just want to send you a hello and say that your experience touched me. I'm sorry you were so overwhelmed but I'm glad you got it out of your body. I wish your Mom got it but she didn't. The best next thing is that you moved on to self-reflection and self-care.

How you explained it highlights similar issues for me. The not being able to explain the feelings. The fact that you lived in constant fear during your father's illness. I think you summed it up so well about how you feel about you parent's - not bad people but destructive behaviour. I would say the same thing about mine.

It's good that you have an awareness and understanding of C-PTSD. That has helped me gain a bit of understanding of my days where the howling happens. I have them every once in a while and I didn't know it was C-PTSD until the past few years. Now I know how to practice self-care and that helps.

Just sending you a virtual hug. I'm sorry it was such a hard day and once again your mother had no idea how to soothe you. These are losses and I understand how hard it is.

[MamaDryad]

I've been thinking a lot lately about how the need to be understood lingers long past when we realize that our parents never will understand us. It's such a difficult thing to shake.

I'm glad that you were able to let it out, as scary as that can be; I hope that you can find ways of acknowledging and validating your own fear and grief even though your mother is still stuck in what sounds like a family system of denial and enabling.

Growth is painful. It sounds like you are breaking free.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks MamaDryad,
I have tried many times over the years to open up to my mother. When I got divorced she sided with my ex-husband. She always has empathy and compassion for everyone else, but when it comes to me I'm ungrateful or over-reacting.

I went to see her today to deliver her shopping and she was noticeably detached with me. I know her disapproving look, she's thinking how dare you complain about your father, he was a good husband and father. And I know on some level she's right, he wasn't a bad person but he treated people badly. He treated me badly, he was rude, disrespectful, demanding, controlling and manipulative. He made me feel worthless, insecure and the more I craved his love and attention the worse he got. He used and abused my kind nature and took me for granted, playing the victim if I tried to say no.

I've been here before with my mother, I know she wants me to retract what I said and apologise. She's very good at withholding affection when she feels wronged. And I didn't say one word against her, but she's gone into victim mode. I've exposed the family dysfunction and she can't face the truth. She'd rather make me feel like I'm in the wrong rather that admit my father's (and her) behaviour caused me emotional trauma. Denial denial denial.

I'm playing it cool with her, and then she'll try and make me feel guilty by taking ill or neglecting herself. I know the pattern. I feel how I feel, I don't need her to validate my feelings. And if she doesn't like it, too bad,  I'm not stuffing them down again.



   

I've been thinking a lot lately about how the need to be understood lingers long past when we realize that our parents never will understand us. It's such a difficult thing to shake.

I'm glad that you were able to let it out, as scary as that can be; I hope that you can find ways of acknowledging and validating your own fear and grief even though your mother is still stuck in what sounds like a family system of denial and enabling.

Growth is painful. It sounds like you are breaking free.

[Boat Babe]

Hey Spirit, you say your dad wasn't bad then list his awful behaviours and the traumatic consequences for yourself.  That is abuse. Your dad abused you. Abuse is bad.  In the end, we are defined by what we do. Nothing else.

Your mum witnessed all that. I don't know the extent of her enabling and /or collusion but she certainly knew what was going on.  An element of her denial of your father's abuse is to protect herself from your rightful anger about this. This is contemptible PD behaviour and utterly sucks. I'm so sorry.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you Boat Babe,

I have a distorted view when it comes to my father. He was the life and soul of the party, loads of friends and no one ever said a bad word about him. It's like he had a different personality at home and outside.

For years my parents enabled each other's dysfunctional behaviour, so it was difficult to work out which one was the good one. Both were capable of showing their good side which made things even more confusing for me as a child. My mother was very critical of my father's drinking but refused to admit he was an alcoholic. There was always mixed messages they'd hate each other one day and play happy families the next.

Writing this it sounds like mental torture and it's probably why I lived in a constant state of anxiety. I couldn't relax in their company. If I tried to distance myself I was made to feel guilty, my father used money to 'reward' me if I cooperated. My mother would either sulk or take one of her turns and being an only child I felt responsible. My father would disappear when she took I'll so it was always me who took her to the hospital.

When he became ill, my mother decided it was too stressful for her to go to the hospital with him, so again it was left to me. This continued and she didn't visits him in hospital because of 'her bad nerves'. Even when he was in hospital for 3 months she refused to go. This made him very resentful, she refused to accept he was dying when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she carried on as if nothing happened. No one was allowed to mention the C word and they both refused to make arrangements for him to go into a hospice.

He insisted she cared for him at home, knowing full well she wouldn't do it and it would be left to me. It lasted a week and I begged social services to intervene when I couldn't cope anymore. They decided she wasn't capable ( she's 87) and he reluctantly agreed to go into a nursing home. He refused to speak to me because I put him in the home, he died in there 3 weeks later. Because of the virus no one was allowed to visit, I wrote to him but I don't know if he even read the letters.

Hey Spirit, you say your dad wasn't bad then list his awful behaviours and the traumatic consequences for yourself.  That is abuse. Your dad abused you. Abuse is bad.  In the end, we are defined by what we do. Nothing else.

Your mum witnessed all that. I don't know the extent of her enabling and /or collusion but she certainly knew what was going on.  An element of her denial of your father's abuse is to protect herself from your rightful anger about this. This is contemptible PD behaviour and utterly sucks. I'm so sorry.

[Hepatica]

Spirit,

You've been through way too much.    I'm glad you're able to write it down and share it with us. No wonder you cried so hard yesterday. You need to get it out. I know that when my uNPD mom was in intensive care I experienced trauma. What you've gone through is surely traumatic. It's horrible what your mother did, forcing you to do everything and not visiting her own husband. That's appalling and yet, I know that my mother would do the same thing. She talks about her nerves all the time. Everyone has to care for her and she gives nothing to anyone else.

I wonder if it's best to not share anything with your mother anymore. She does not have empathy for anyone. 

I understand what it's like growing up with two disordered parents who fight on and off week after week. My father too was very charismatic out in public and dark and scary behind closed doors.

Please take some time out soon to give yourself the ultimate compassion you deserve. I'm afraid you're not going to get it from your mother, but you can give it to yourself. Lots of comforting self-talk.

I just want to gently remind you that none of this was your fault. Putting your dad in the nursing home was not your fault. Upsetting your mother is not your fault. Ok? You have done so well. It's your parents who have exhibited very selfish behaviour that has cause you such difficult feelings and way too much grief.

Sending you a big 

[nanotech]

Hey Spirit, you say your dad wasn't bad then list his awful behaviours and the traumatic consequences for yourself.  That is abuse. Your dad abused you. Abuse is bad.  In the end, we are defined by what we do. Nothing else.

Your mum witnessed all that. I don't know the extent of her enabling and /or collusion but she certainly knew what was going on.  An element of her denial of your father's abuse is to protect herself from your rightful anger about this. This is contemptible PD behaviour and utterly sucks. I'm so sorry.

I had exactly the same reaction as boat babe to the clear mismatch between your dad's behaviour and your insistence that he wasn't a bad person.
Cognitive dissonance, gaslighting, denial by your mum, probably for decades, all play a part.
I'm sending you hugs. You've a right to acknowledge your abuse. I've your mum swept it under the carpet, and doesn't want to look at it even now, we'll that's her stuff to deal with.
The poor treatment from your mum is a desperate effort to get you back in the genie bottle, blindly denying it all- so she can feel okay again. You're spoiling her illusion. So she's withdrawing approval. You don't need her approval and your being in her life is a privilege for her. It's not a given, certainly not if she keeps this behaviour up. 
I'm sending 🤗 hugs! xxxxx

I think your mum has disallowed you from calling your dad's behaviour what it was, namely, bad and abusive.
You have a right to do so.

PS The emotion thing- yep. I'm glad you cried. Every time you behave authentically with them/ to them, you destroy a bit more of the illusion. They cling to it though, but we don't.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you Hepatica

In a way I'm glad I spoke to my mum, even though she went into denial. It kind of confirmed for me that she's always chosen to protect herself and her distorted view of family life. Basically my mother believes if my father didn't hit me and was generous with money he was a good father.

It was like their arguments fuelled each other, they thrived on the drama. Neither one seeing it was a very unhealthy environment for a child. I really thought all this was in the past when my father died. But I needed my mother to know how badly he effected me, whether she chooses to defend him or not doesn't matter.

I didn't have the courage to face my father when he was alive and tell him how much he hurt me. In some ways telling my mother helped me face that fear, I got it out. I'm not pretending anymore, I'm speaking my truth.

Spirit,

You've been through way too much.    I'm glad you're able to write it down and share it with us. No wonder you cried so hard yesterday. You need to get it out. I know that when my uNPD mom was in intensive care I experienced trauma. What you've gone through is surely traumatic. It's horrible what your mother did, forcing you to do everything and not visiting her own husband. That's appalling and yet, I know that my mother would do the same thing. She talks about her nerves all the time. Everyone has to care for her and she gives nothing to anyone else.

I wonder if it's best to not share anything with your mother anymore. She does not have empathy for anyone. 

I understand what it's like growing up with two disordered parents who fight on and off week after week. My father too was very charismatic out in public and dark and scary behind closed doors.

Please take some time out soon to give yourself the ultimate compassion you deserve. I'm afraid you're not going to get it from your mother, but you can give it to yourself. Lots of comforting self-talk.

I just want to gently remind you that none of this was your fault. Putting your dad in the nursing home was not your fault. Upsetting your mother is not your fault. Ok? You have done so well. It's your parents who have exhibited very selfish behaviour that has cause you such difficult feelings and way too much grief.

Sending you a big 

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks  Nanotech,

Yes my mum is very good at keeping up the illusion. She won't admit to herself that my father treated her badly as well. She thinks because she shouted back at him that somehow she wasn't effected by his drinking or irresponsible behaviour. She even makes excuses that he had a bad childhood because his father was emotionally abusive to his mother. Erm hello !!!! isn't this ringing any bells mother ?

If there's even a hint I might suggest their behaviour had a negative effect on me she gets defensive and then plays the victim. She always manages to turn it around, woefully laminating that she tried to be the best mother she could.

There is some truth in that, she just wasn't capable of seeing the damage. She was so mixed up in her own head and constantly doing battle with my father she didn't even notice me much of the time. She's not going to change, so all I can do it change how I react to her.

Obviously she not a 'safe' person to open up to. I knew that but needed to face the fear of telling her how much my father hurt me. (I think she got the underlying message that she did nothing to protect or support me). So now I move on, I put the past behind me again and give myself the nurturing and comfort they didn't.

Hey Spirit, you say your dad wasn't bad then list his awful behaviours and the traumatic consequences for yourself.  That is abuse. Your dad abused you. Abuse is bad.  In the end, we are defined by what we do. Nothing else.

Your mum witnessed all that. I don't know the extent of her enabling and /or collusion but she certainly knew what was going on.  An element of her denial of your father's abuse is to protect herself from your rightful anger about this. This is contemptible PD behaviour and utterly sucks. I'm so sorry.

I had exactly the same reaction as boat babe to the clear mismatch between your dad's behaviour and your insistence that he wasn't a bad person.
Cognitive dissonance, gaslighting, denial by your mum, probably for decades, all play a part.
I'm sending you hugs. You've a right to acknowledge your abuse. I've your mum swept it under the carpet, and doesn't want to look at it even now, we'll that's her stuff to deal with.
The poor treatment from your mum is a desperate effort to get you back in the genie bottle, blindly denying it all- so she can feel okay again. You're spoiling her illusion. So she's withdrawing approval. You don't need her approval and your being in her life is a privilege for her. It's not a given, certainly not if she keeps this behaviour up. 
I'm sending 🤗 hugs! xxxxx

I think your mum has disallowed you from calling your dad's behaviour what it was, namely, bad and abusive.
You have a right to do so.

PS The emotion thing- yep. I'm glad you cried. Every time you behave authentically with them/ to them, you destroy a bit more of the illusion. They cling to it though, but we don't.

[Adrianna]

It's so difficult when we unravel the years of abuse and see things for what they are. Cognitive dissonance is real and can take years to get over.

Your dad wasn't a safe person for you. Quite frankly your mom isn't either from what I'm hearing. I think you know deep down that she's not going to offer you any support, but children (even adult ones) cling to the belief that at least one of their parents loves and cares for them. This is part of survival and hard wired into us to survive childhood. For me it was my mother. She cared the best she could but looking back especially over the later years I can see it wasn't much. Quite frankly she wasn't up to the job of being a mother, for whatever reason (mental illness, undiagnosed pd of her own, etc.) She was treated poorly from my father, absolutely, and became a shell of a person, but she chose that life and did nothing to change it. She didn't leave him and she didn't seek therapy to improve her life. She saw him treat me badly and did nothing. I always saw her as the "nice" one because she wasn't outwardly abusive like my father and grandmother. However, her apathetic attitude and the resulting emotional neglect took a toll of its own. I have compassion for what she went through and told her shortly before she died that I wished she had married someone nicer so she could have had a better life. Her response was "don't blame your father." It's amazing how they will enable right up to the end.

It's ok for you to not like your father for how he treated you. I've fully accepted that my father couldn't care less about me and quite frankly I (and many others who know him) think he is a complete asshole. He as well did not visit my dying mother in the hospital and left that all up to me. No regrets over it either as far as I know. In fact whined plenty about how difficult it was for HIM when I was the one there, I was the one visiting, at the end I was the one doing it on my own, not him. Then again as a narcissist lacking empathy he will never care what I went through. Only his own experience mattered.

I think you are doing great by tackling this.  As we get older, we sometimes see that both parents were not there for us. That's a hard pill to swallow and is only done through serious soul searching.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you Adrianna,

Sometimes if feels a if my mother and I are talking about two different people when it comes to my father. I had this strange dream about my ex-husband and badly his behaviour effected me, although it was my husband in the dream he was acting out my fathers's behaviour (and he wasn't like him in real life). But it made me see that just because my mother was in denial, somehow part of me was agreeing with her.

When I look bad at the years of emotional abuse my mother suffered being married to an alcoholic (although she dies he was ) I can't believe she continues to deny it. I know she has a trauma bond with my father because she believes he recused her from an physically abuse mother. But all she did was swap one abuser for another, my father was definitely more covert.

So as a child what I witnessed was my father's behaviour upsetting my mother, him agreeing to change his ways. He never did, he never even tried to change, if anything he got worse the more he seemed to get away with. She continually forgave him but remained angry, I rarely remember him speaking to her in a civil voice, he shouted constantly, angrily and aggressively. So she shouted back and they both thought this was acceptable behaviour.

Now I see that I never felt safe with my father, I actually remember saying to my mother as a child, 'please don't say anything to make him shout' when he came home drunk. He wasn't physically abusive but he had a terrible temper and loved riling my mother, neither of them would walk away from an argument they both wanted the last word.

Also I didn't trust him, he lied about his drinking. If he said he was coming home at 6pm for dinner we were lucky if he showed up at 2am the next day. I can could never trust him to do the right thing, he always suited myself no matter what the consequences.

My mother is never going to accept she was mistreated my by father, she believes he  'saved her' from her mother. And that excuses all his behaviour, she feared her mother more than him so, it was the lesser of the two evils. Which is sad because she didn't and still doesn't believe she deserved better.

In all honestly I can look back and see that they never purposely intended to hurt me, they were so immersed in their own suffering they couldn't see the damage they were doing. It was like living in a war zone and there's always innocent casualties, unfortunately I got wounded. But I can look back objectively and I don't think either of them are 'bad people' they were 'hurt people' and hurt people hurt people. Unfortunately as I child I absorbed all this trauma, but sometimes are battle scars are there to remind us what we have overcome.

My father never overcame his childhood trauma and I don't think my mother will either. I am grateful I have used my suffering to look inwards and heal myself. By forgiving my parents, I set myself free. I have self esteem, self worth and self respect which neither of them did.

My father was an alcoholic who drowned his sorrows in alcohol only to have them return in the sober moments, so the only solution was to keep drinking. My mother is an emotionally insecure women who doesn't think she deserves to be treated well. She tries to be a good mother, but she's so consumed with self loathing she can't love herself, so she can't really love anyone else. It's sad, it's all so sad.

Now finally at 48 years old I see things more clearing. All I can do is re-parent and nurture myself and acknowledge my own suffering. I don't need any one to validate how I felt. I have faced my fears and they can't hurt me anymore.

It's so difficult when we unravel the years of abuse and see things for what they are. Cognitive dissonance is real and can take years to get over.

Your dad wasn't a safe person for you. Quite frankly your mom isn't either from what I'm hearing. I think you know deep down that she's not going to offer you any support, but children (even adult ones) cling to the belief that at least one of their parents loves and cares for them. This is part of survival and hard wired into us to survive childhood. For me it was my mother. She cared the best she could but looking back especially over the later years I can see it wasn't much. Quite frankly she wasn't up to the job of being a mother, for whatever reason (mental illness, undiagnosed pd of her own, etc.) She was treated poorly from my father, absolutely, and became a shell of a person, but she chose that life and did nothing to change it. She didn't leave him and she didn't seek therapy to improve her life. She saw him treat me badly and did nothing. I always saw her as the "nice" one because she wasn't outwardly abusive like my father and grandmother. However, her apathetic attitude and the resulting emotional neglect took a toll of its own. I have compassion for what she went through and told her shortly before she died that I wished she had married someone nicer so she could have had a better life. Her response was "don't blame your father." It's amazing how they will enable right up to the end.

It's ok for you to not like your father for how he treated you. I've fully accepted that my father couldn't care less about me and quite frankly I (and many others who know him) think he is a complete asshole. He as well did not visit my dying mother in the hospital and left that all up to me. No regrets over it either as far as I know. In fact whined plenty about how difficult it was for HIM when I was the one there, I was the one visiting, at the end I was the one doing it on my own, not him. Then again as a narcissist lacking empathy he will never care what I went through. Only his own experience mattered.

I think you are doing great by tackling this.  As we get older, we sometimes see that both parents were not there for us. That's a hard pill to swallow and is only done through serious soul searching.

[Boat Babe]

It takes time and work to see our parents from a dispassionate point of view and is liberating.

I recently had a conversation with my uBPDmum about my very violent father. (She left him when I was six, thankfully) I can still remember incidents of violence from 60 years ago (wow!) and also the feelings of (relative) peace and quiet that we enjoyed once we were free of him. In this convo, Mum defended him to the hilt:he hardly hit her (right), he gave her status as a married woman ( , he never hit me and loved me (don't remember that). 

Knowing that we will never get what we want (sanity and a reasonable version of the truth) from our parents is a painful realisation but it does stop us going back, time and again, only in order to be disappointed at best and gaslit/raged at/ghosted etc at worst.

Sending love to you Spirit and everyone here.