NMum freaking out over imminent lockdown

[Hattie]

Hi, my mum is a concert narcissist and I am currently in intensive psychotherapy to sort out my self esteem. I am in my late thirties and all my romantic relationships to date have been with narcissists, a pattern that I really want to break. I am trying to maintain LC with my mum, but this pandemic is certainly making it challenging.

I had some minor surgery a couple of weeks ago and my mum picked me up from the clinic and stayed with me for 3 days. Whilst it was kind of her to pick me up, it was stressful as she is poorly attuned to my emotional needs. It felt like it was all about her trying to prove what a good mum she is, rather than genuinely being one. I breathed a sigh of relief after she left as I thought I would have a break from seeing her until Christmas.

Today she texted me wanting to make plans to meet again soon. This seems to have been prompted by the government here in the UK announcing that areas of the country are going into tighter Covid restrictions. My mum has been staying with my brother once a week, and babysitting his kids, which she might not be able to do anymore.

She said she was depressed. It was good that she is owning her feelings for once. It is really anxiety provoking though that she expects me to assuage her loneliness. She has no friends to speak of, no partner despite being widowed for 15 years. I feel like, why is this my job? Why do I have to look after her?

I am not sure what to do. I told her I was still tired from my surgery, and I don't want to make plans until I am better. I also broke up with my boyfriend this week and feel I need some headspace.

I guess I am feeling a lot of anxiety right now and don't want to abandon myself to rescue my mum (again). It is hard to resist the pull though.

[Boat Babe]

She sounds like my mum. Deep joy!

I'm not the most ethical person in the world and I occasionally lie to mum to protect myself. Can't come coz busy/a bit poorly/ car's not working.  I do it rarely because I can cope with her these days and she is very old now and has dialled if down considerably. But it's an option.

You sound as if you really need a break. Space to recover physically and emotionally from your recent break up.  You could develop a few Covid like symptoms that mean you have to self isolate for a fortnight. Just sayin ......

Seriously though, now really is the time to focus on yourself as you are fragile and vulnerable at the moment and thus more susceptible to infection and other ills.  Really, really, really.

[Lisa]

Do what you need to to take care of yourself!!!!

You can say 'it would be nice to visit, I can't this weekend, let's talk later and plan a different date".  or you can simply say "that doesn't work for me this time".

[Hattie]

Thank you very much for your understanding and reassuring replies! And thank you for encouraging me to take care of myself.

Boat babe - I also lie to my mum to avoid visiting  Sometimes it is just easiest. I also avoid telling her when I have time off work etc... Faking covid might be a bridge too far though Thanks for reflecting back to me that having surgery and going through a breakup are not normal circumstances and that I should focus on recovery!

Lisa - thanks. I can be fairly assertive these days, but can revert back to fawning if caught off guard or triggered...

I spoke to my mum tonight and she had calmed down a bit from her freakout. Avoided planning another visit and managed to deflect planning Christmas too 

We also talked about ways to stay social and get out and about in these pandemic times, so that seemed reasonably productive

[doglady]

Hey Hattie,
You did a great job of handling your mother. Deflecting Xmas planning, asserting yourself, and keeping her on an information diet are all very good strategies to keep your calm and sanity. I applaud your strength.

I also had a huge laugh at what your autocorrect did to the word 'covert.'  Now I can't get the image of a 'concert narcissist' out of my head. How apt is that - they play to their adoring crowds, take bows and come out for multiple encores. And let's not forget their command performances!!

[Hattie]

Thank you! Haha, that is pretty funny! And apt... One of my narc exes was actually a professional musician and I certainly got tired of being the "adoring audient" to his "concert narcissism"