Expectations versus rationalisation from the PD partner

[Tinkerbell12]

Hi guys, I got tipped off by the other Scapegoat topics we have been discussing couple of days ago. It just opened my wound of what has been bothering me. It's the favoritizm thing.

We have 3 kids, same age pretty much. The 2 of these are my partners and come for equal half of the week, the 3rd one is mine only.  My partner used to scapegoat my son badly when he was smaller and hence I moved out some years ago, but somehow it got sorted and moved back (2 years now). My partner knows he can't do that and he does not, he has been much better I must say but I still subtly feel he gives my son less affection than the others. Which is fair enough, I know he is not his dad. He does speak to him, is interested in him, but there are moments when I feel he is being selective. Talking about going to bed. He makes sure he goes to say goodnight to his kids, and hardly ever pops his head into my sons room. Not talking about when his kids are gone, he totally does not acknowledge to say goodnight to my son. I am reasonable and I know he will always give more love and affection to his kids, I don't expect the same for my son, but I think in situations like saying goodnight which my son can see he didn't pop his head into his room make my son feel left out. It's the same with calling them for dinner, he calls them two first then shouts on my son the last. Or for example, if the kids are home during the lunch and from whatever reason 2 of his are not eating lunch in, he will tell my son to make himself a sandwich because he is not sorting out the lunches for anyone today. He would make them lunch if his were eating. It's jus so selective how it suits him. I wish he would make them feel the same in his approach and then of course the extra love and affection to his kids is understandable.  I feel very bitter and with knot in the stomach everytime something like that happens, I don't even want to be close to him too when he comes to bed in moments like that.

His kids see their mom half of the week and she lives few blocks from us, they don't need me as their mum. I still make sure I treat all of them equally around the house so no one feels the last one etc. Of course I don't give them so much parental love as their real parents. However my sons dad checked out of parenting and sees my son 2 a year. My son craves to be included, and that's why I am banging on about the equality around the house (not the love given individually), do you get me.

I tried to open this up once and I got blamed for being ungrateful. Basically he got really upset with me that I do not value him for the other things he is doing and I am nitpicking. That I should be looking at how much he is doing instead. That my expectations are over the top and I'm not suitable to cope in this situation and I would be better off living on my own. I think my expectations are reasonable, he just does not want to hear and understand what I think is important in our set up, there is no consideration for what I'm talking about.

Any insight please?

[Penny Lane]

This sounds really hard on your son, how does he handle this?

How were things during the period of time you moved out? Were they better for you, for your son?

Do you see a scenario where your partner might change for the better?

Here is what I think, and I am not you so I don't know if this will resonate with you or not. You have done nothing wrong here. You can't MAKE your partner be kind to your son. Not saying good night to your son ... your partner is choosing to do less than the minimum as a stepparent. I am a stepparent and I know that in many ways it is not the same as a bio parent, but I firmly believe that whatever the role, if you are going to be in a child's life, you have to put the kid ahead of yourself. It doesn't seem like your partner is doing that.

It doesn't seem like your partner is willing to change, and what you are asking is very reasonable.

Unlike many people on this board, you have the power to remove him from your son's life! I am not you and I don't know what is right for you and your son, but from where I'm sitting, the power to remove a PD from your child's life feels like an amazing gift.

[Tinkerbell12]

Penny Lane thank you so much, you are like godsent, so happy to hear someone is in blended family too.

When I moved out with my son, 3 years ago, we were both so relieved. There was nothing to worry about, walking on eggshells etc, so relaxed. But obviously I missed my partner, no matter how bad it was, the bond was there. He was hoovering and hoovering, apologizing, he apologized to my son, I gave in and moved back in after a half year of separation. My son was so cross with me.

I trusted him as my partner in the early years that he will be a good father to my son. And unfortunately I came to realization he was manipulating the situation nicely so it was all for his benefit and his kids.

Since then I swear he has been better. But there are always terms and conditions to his bevaviour, as every PD, he gives conditionally even if he tries to mask it. He knows he can't cross the line. My son is much fore comfortable around him. Also the kids hit the early teenage years and they don't need that much attention. But, I  just don't trust my partner, I realized he makes decisions for his benefit in general and his kids are under his protective umbrella.  I can imagine in a normal relationship/bended family scenario, if your partner asks you to please make sure to say good night to the kid etc, you would understand and just do so. You put the kid first as you said. But these PD people are just so difficult. They will not do stuff just because you asked or for somebody's elses benefit. It's either his way or the highway. Gets offended for any little difference in opinion, god forbid to criticise him. Turns the table around, comes up with some logic sounding rationalisation and my mouth is shut. He just can't be content, is so selective about when he does and what he does, if it suits him or not obviously.

But because it's so hidden and covert, we are a polite and well mannered family, good morals, no shouting etc, so it's so difficult to pinpoint. Sometimes I think well the kids will move out in 3-4 years, is it even worth to break up a 8 year relationship. But then in the same time I feel this resentment and bitterness in me, why do I settle for the second best, and for my son, I feel bitter every other day when I see the favoritizm creeping in, but then so many years we invested into this relationship. Gosh very split thinking, I know. Also I feel bad for the first marriage failing, and now another relationship down the hill.

And the worst on it is that he can see I am not bothered! He sees I can't be asked, I'm not putting much effort into the relationship.  I have built such an internal resentment that I unfortunately got into the frame of mind with him - why would I do any extras for him if he doesn't to me. But now he has more of a reason to blame my for the relationship failing. It's horrible actually, this is not me. I go miles and carry mountains for people. But no matter how good he is in situation and good he is in the moments, I still know that is that subtle selfishness coming out in situations from him.

I am in the position to go, I have good job and money saved, I wish there would be some trigger to set things off to end my indecisiveness either way.

[Penny Lane]

I think there probably will be a trigger at some point, and in the meantime things are going to get worse and worse. I think you should consider whether you want to leave before it becomes a crisis, or afterward when you're in a crisis situation. That might help you make a decision.

And also: Those eight years are sunk costs at this point. You can't go back in time. There's never a GOOD time to leave a serious relationship. I had a friend who had kind of the converse situation as you - she got married and almost immediately realized it wasn't right, and then she fretted about ending it too early. And I will add that even after your son moves out of the house, he will still be your son, and I think you will still be sad to be with someone who doesn't treat him well.

I'm so sorry! This is very hard and you seem like a good, loving, caring mom and partner. I hope you find the right path forward for you both.

[Tinkerbell12]

Penny Lane once again, you are an angel. You are so right, your words just resonated with me so much: "And I will add that even after your son moves out of the house, he will still be your son, and I think you will still be sad to be with someone who doesn't treat him well".

That's just it. I did a lot of analysing this month and concluded that if my partner ever realized the damage and changed his behaviour, there would would be a hope. But he just never had and never will. The triggers are occurring less as the kids got bigger, but the triggers are there and always  will be there no matter if the kids grow up or whatever. And I am bitter, resentful, and the future prospect is shit. I love him, we have had amazing times together, but still the shit wins.

And another thing happened, we had a massive blow out at home and my partner asked me one question: Why is it only him and my own parents I have impulsive and argumentative reactions to. I had a think, and I know why. Finally I know. Because my parents always disrespected me and walked over my boundaries and I have deep wounds and the triggers are there. And my partner has been doing just the same thing. Disrespecting my decisions and values and opinions, and that's why I fire off every single time.  Wow what a revelation, what a moment of realization!

Saying this, I made my decision. I feel very small right now, but I organized a viewing for a rental flat for tomorrow. God help me to follow this trough. He already has been guilt tripping me badly. I will keep you updated.

Lots of love to everyone!!

[Penny Lane]

Good luck! You've got this! I think you are going to be so much happier in this flat or wherever you find yourself.

[athene1399]

I had an ex who was only nice to me and treated me well when he thought I had enough and was going to leave. I fell for it over and over thinking he had finally learned his lesson and would treat me better. If I stayed, it wasn't long before things got back to the way they were. Leaving someone can be scary, and if he makes you feel guilty it makes it harder IMO. But IME the guilt is only to make you stay so he can go back to treating you and your child how he was before. There will be an adjustment period, but I hope soon after you leave things will get better.