Sixteen Months PostBreakup

[HopePeace2021]

I am a gay woman who broke up with a girlfriend of nearly ten years about 16 months ago. It was a long distance relationship, which I think is partly why it lasted as long as it did. We  had been together for almost five years when I broke with her the first time over her extreme selfishness, which I had at the time characterized as mere personality differences. We got back together two years later, after what I now know was a hoovering campaign. It didn't take as long for things to deteriorate, though, and when she really hurt me, I began to do some Internet sleuthing and reading Start Here and realized that I was in a relationship with an extreme narcissist. All of the signs were there. My blood ran cold. I broke up with her over the phone in a brief, calm manner, then severed all connections, unfriended all of her friends on Facebook, the whole deal. It's been absolute no contact since.

I didn't realize that my real work had not yet begun. I jumped into a relationship five months later, and it ended after a few months, and what I thought was the opposite of my long term ex was more of the same.

Now, I have realized that diagnosing the relationship was just the first step; investigating how it happened, assessing the internal damage, healing, is the next step, and I have been neck deep in it. I read Out of the FOG recently in  small chunks at a time, because I would get light-headed, kind of a panic feeling as I recognized my own story in there.

I think the hardest thing to accept in this moment is that it is all a total and complete loss. I had accepted the loss of an ongoing relationship already. But letting go of the illusion of what the "good times" in our relationship really meant, has been very, very painful.  In better moments I am grateful that I am still in youngish middle age,  that I got out when I did with lots of good things before me. I feel like I have a gaping hole in my past though. Dating won't be on the agenda for a looong time, but I wonder how I'll be able to make sense of this to someone when I can barely understand it all myself.

Thanks for listening. It is good to know this resource is here. Good night.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You are on a good path. As you say, the work has just begun. Going forward the real work, getting to know what attracted you to a person with NPD in the first place, and what made you stay when the red flags popped up, is the next step. Which means you start the work on yourself and your traits that make you a willing partner for a personality disordered person. You are not alone in this. This site is full of people in various stages of recovery.

[Boat Babe]

Hiya and welcome.

So many of us here know EXACTLY what you are talking about and how you feel. You are not alone ❤️

For me, a number of things work really well. I got myself a dog and that forced me to go for long walks everyday and be responsible for a small dependant creature so I didn't spiral into substance abuse (one of my less than skillful coping mechanisms). After a lot of casting around, I now practice Self Compassion based on the work of Dr Kristine Neff. Absolutely brilliant.  The outer work (healthy food, exercise, sleep hygiene etc) combined with the inner work is really helping me. 

And the camaraderie of this group has been invaluable to. Absolutely priceless.  Sending hugs and see you on the boards. ❤️

[HopePeace2021]

Thanks to you both for your welcomes and replies. I have a college-age daughter who lives with me and grounds me. I have not shared much of the nitty gritty with her, but I try my best to reinforce her self-esteem as she moves about her own life. As for other self-care - I am very lucky to have a sister who thoroughly gets it and so I am able to share with her. And exercise is great!

Codependency is my big issue, from my own family life. I have been reading and re-reading Melody Beattie's books. Thank you for the Kristine Neff suggestion - I have seen her name before and will look for that book.

Much love and thanks!

[thejourneytosignificance]

Hi - Yes you are totally right.  The real work has just begun.  My process started many years ago - but it took at real "wake up call" - in otherwords - rock bottom for me to realize my issues were much more complex than I realized, and that I had suffered a very traumatic and abusive childhood, which I did not really realize.  So it is was the retracing through that whole situation and working from the earliest to progressing through the later issues in my life, and yes - not jumping into a new relationship was key.  I found that at the core of it - I was drawn to people who were essentially the same people in my family of origin.  It was that process that showed me what I lived with was not normal or healthy.  As I knew nothing else - I did not realize I was repeating ingrained patterns, and drawn to the same kind of people.  Once I started to see that, it was easier to look retrospectively at my actions and start questioning why ...and trying to see if there was another perspective.  And for me,,,,and perhaps for you that is the first step.  You now realize that something is not right.  Now...looking to find out why, how, and what can help you move yourself forward - without judgement.  We cannot help how we are raised.  I thought my life was normal.  I realized it was far from normal.  And now I am on the path to find something that is better.  Awareness is the very first step.  And you now have that...perhaps your issues have nothing to do with your family of origin, but in many cases, from what I understand - that is key.