A Question About Therapy

[tommom]

Hope this is the right spot for my question. I have been married to my PDh for 47 years. My mother was also PD. Both, mostly Cluster B, although he is - and she was -very dependent as well. He is quite irresponsible, very narcissistic and, every day, it seems, I realize how violated - and often denigrated - I am.

So, here is my question. I have recently been trying to target what I need in therapy. I read constantly, I am, obviously, elderly and each year my health seems to be reduced more and more. I am overweight now, but have an extreme history of what is called yoyo dieting as well as bouts of anorexia when I was younger and also Binge eating/ COE and some occasional bulimia, the binge and fast type. Bad enough my doctor actually graphed it out to tell me to stop. So, I found an eating disorder specialist, a psychologist, and just started with her - my second time today. In the past two years I have seen a lovely T for my ADHD who was helpful in getting me organized (especially for someone like me!) with CBT. However, when I tried to apply it to my disordered eating, I couldn't get it to stick at all. Just didn't work for me, I thought. I read about trauma because my mother was really very abusive. I decided I had enough of the ADHD counseling to allow me to maintain that and at least be able to explore something else. I read about EMDR and I found an EMDR T. Amazing, wiped out some traumas, but also not helping with the EDs, which are now my #1 concern.

My health, because of my age and eating patterns (or whatever you want to call them) is not doing so well, so I am getting into a panic to get my health back to a better place.

(Sorry to take so long to get there....)

My problem is this: how much influence do you think my H's pds can have on this and how can I best deal with it? Today (and this is only the second time to see her) BUT she told me how great it is I don't have a spouse like my mother. (Wha?) She hasn't asked directly AND we were (thank you COVID!) we were on Telehealth with my H in the next room so I shook my head, but she had looked down. How do I explain it to her?Email? Or do you think I would be better off with a T that specializes in PDs or in (can't seem to find anyone close by for this one) the recovery side of PD relationships would be?

I really am confused! Anyone been here?

Thanks, tommom

Lastly, how much do you think the boundary violations, gaslighting, lies, etc, etc, are contributive to the EDs. I ask because I kind of suffer a lot of both physical issues (he' s very lazy and irresponsible in the extreme, so I just had surgery for a hernia I caused picking up things that are way too heav because he just won't; I also live in a state of fury alot...you all know the routine.

[D.]

You pose a great question and description leading up to the question.  Thank you for the opportunity to give some ideas here.  I recently had to change therapists due to an insurance change so feel like I have some recent input about what can help.  I also had to switch a couple of times before I found someone who worked.  I'd also had a great therapist before the change.  I found that the skillful therapist took feedback and adjusted appropriately.  So definitely an email w/this new therapist is important.  Let her know about the reality w/your husband.  And her knowing he is in the next room would, I think, be quite important.  I wonder, would it be possible for you to drive somewhere and have your virtual session w/a telephone in the car somewhere?  Or even go in another room?  Outside, the garage, etc.  That sounds really difficult to get therapy w/PD person able to hear next to you...

As for ED I know for me my emotional health has a huge correlation w/how I eat...and I tend to yoyo, overweight for many years...I would think that the behaviors of PDh could certainly contribute to negative emotions and less healthy habits...

Finally, I admire your ability to take charge of your healing, observe your reality accurately and continue on a journey of healing and figuring out what works best for you.

[tommom]

Thanks, C. I finally was able to communicate the problem to her and we are meeting on Saturday in her office. Whew!

Thanks for your input.

[D.]

You're welcome Tommom.  Whew that is a relief!  I look forward to you have a meaningful and useful session Saturday