Mental block caused by their programming

[Happypants]

Just before summer i finally managed to get past a couple of health problems - 25 years of a balance issue (thank you, gluten  ) and from 2017 til now some sort of adrenal dysfunction (still some residual brain fog and memory issues, but much, much better).

I had to leave my full time job in 2010 due to the balance issue.  I was technically able to work but wasn't reliable enough to be employed if that makes sense. I looked into a couple of home businesses but found that they triggered my symptoms.  Finally in 2016 i took an online copywriting course and over the past year I've edged towards content-writing, and now have a few paid freelance gigs under my belt. 

I'm ten years behind in NI contributions (for pension), ten years of not financially contributing to our lives, ten years of that guilt mixed in with my ongoing toxic family dynamics, and now coming Out of the FOG and feel like I'm able to get on.  But, i just can't work.  My time and my lifestyle don't have any value to my family because i haven't followed in my father's footsteps into his serious profession as well as having kids - GC bro has done both and his time, job and life are valued.  I'm fighting this on one level - I'm taking back my time (shorter, less frequent calls) and headspace (well, trying) and sticking up for our choices in how we live our life.  But i can't stop this trickle-down effect that their comments on the topic of "being busy" and comparison to GC's life have on me sitting down to do my work, my non-job that to them has flexible time that makes me always available.  And this is now how I'M viewing it and i cant stop it. I see, respect and aspire to the career paths of others who are on a similar trajectory.  I get excited and motivated.  I know when I'm at my best for anything creative.  I sit down with a plan, i start writing, i can see where it's going, i start thinking "this is stupid, get a real job, who do you think you are?".  Then i have to take a nap and feel exhausted.  Then my other half comes home from a job that puts him under pressure while I've had the freedom and flexibility to create my own career, chosen by me.  So many positive reasons to get on with it, but creativity seems to be the first thing to go when programming kicks in. 

Does anyone have any experience in getting over this, or can recommend any books?  I've read a lot about self-sabotage and imposter syndrome, but can't find anything specific about finding value in what you do when you've been programmed otherwise. I've tried meditating and also sitting down to write after taking a walk outside.  There seems to be a block.  Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated - I've waited ten years to be up and running again and at the moment this is my only opportunity to create the life i want and further distance myself from my family

Sorry, my post is all over the place.  Maybe i need to change career     

[Call Me Cordelia]

I thought you were very clear! I relate to trauma-induced illness and thoughts getting me stuck in my life. Specifically with regard to jobs. For me it was different because I walked away from the career path that was “acceptable” to my parents, but then all the other things I tried along the way I self-sabotaged. I did end up a stay-at-home-mom, which was DH’s and my choice, and once I had kids I was definitely all in on that. However, the programming of “What am I doing with my life? This is a waste.” Is still there. For me it’s so much easier to shut down those thoughts with regard to my life at home, because there are real people whom I love involved and it’s very obviously not a waste. I wasn’t able to do that with any of my other ventures before I had children.

Please don’t take it as an implication that having kids is the answer, or even something that’s a good idea for you. I’m just talking about my own experience. In fact yeah don’t put the expectation for healing onto a child. I didn’t do that, I don’t THINK... But they were always in front of me as a positive motivation to be the sort of mother I wanted them to have.

How about we talk more about you. The point being it’s really hard to overwrite the programming. Especially when the consequence for following it isn’t necessarily seen easily. I mean, what happens if you fail at freelancing? From the sound of it not much. You will still have a home. You have a supportive DH (yes?). You’ll be on familiar territory. It’s easy to just slide along, at least in the moment. The rewards are somewhat remote and the false comfort of giving in is immediate.

But you write you’ve been waiting ten years for this and it’s your opportunity. Focus on that! Here’s one idea: Make a vision board and keep it by your workstation for when you feel like giving up. Write inspirational messages to yourself. “This is my opportunity. I am building the life I want right here.” Or whatever rings true for you. Pictures of your goals, be they larger or smaller. So when the programming starts running you have some visual cues to help override it.  And maybe when you have a moment of wrestling with the programming and winning, keep a scoreboard! Only positive points allowed. Points for jobs completed, referrals earned, whatever is something you would gladly tell DH about when he gets home. Or us here on the forum. Points for sitting down and writing when you felt FOGGY. Over time you’ll see those victories really adding up, and you will have created a habit and some serious momentum!

[Boat Babe]

As rebellion in my late teens I took a trip to Bohemia and have never looked back. The myth of the Career is just that. A bit like the myth of Romance. Social narratives that develop over time and are never questioned. Don't get me wrong, I have always worked for a living and trained as a teacher in my mid thirties, but this was definitely my choice and not my FOO's.

If we have good values and we live in accordance with them, we can truly hold up our heads and know we are doing the right thing, no matter what anyone says. PD parents don't bring us up to do that unfortunately, but we can eventually learn it for ourselves.

Good luck in all your choices!

[Happypants]

Call Me Cordelia - I dont even know where you start in responding to you.  Thanks for your insight.  Strangely, i set out originally on a career path designed by and for me (1yr outdoor instructor course which evolved into 4 year degree specialising in sustainable tourism).  But after i spent a couple of years gaining experience in that field, i succumbed to the pressure (societal, perhaps a little to do with FOO) to get a job and settle down, then ended up in customer service for the same company my mother worked for (there's another story behind that as i'm sure you can imagine  ).  Talking of kids, i'm reminded of the day after i had to leave my job (due to my balance), my mother suggested that i have a baby instead of looking for another job (i honestly had no words then, and still dont, but i know me having kids would have been her preference). To be honest though, i think if i had had kids, i would have been all in on being a mum and nothing else too, albeit maybe with some quiet aspirations held aside.  I'll definitely try the vision board idea - if visual triggers are so effective in influencing my emotions negatively, i'd hope they would also have a positive effect too. Thanks so much for your motivational words x

Boat Babe - Thanks.  Funny you should mention the myth of the career.  When i'm in tune with my beliefs i truly don't believe that a 9-5 job with no time for interaction and squashing a week's worth of exercise into a one-hour gym session is key to humans thriving.  I have toyed with the idea of writing for 4 hours early in the morning and a few in the evening when my brain seems the most switched-on (and i'm not napping  ) I'm trying to have those role-model freelance writers in mind when the programming kicks in and imagine how wrong it would feel to challenge THEM for their career path.  I'm glad you stuck to your chosen path x

[Hepatica]

I don't have anything to really help. I am just commenting bc I am constantly wondering about this too Happypants. I left my job in 2012 bc of health issues. So much has happened since then but when I look at it, so much energy was spent on trying to come to terms with other people, meaning my FOO and wondering what they are and why I so needed space from them. Then my UNPD mother became deathly ill and boom, the entire ugly dynamic of toxic family behaviour revealed itself and this has been a lengthy learning curve.

I am always recovering it seems and yet, I don't want to spend my life recovering. I want to do the things that I love. I think I need a mind shift. I need to know what I am dealing with in regards to the toxicity of my FOO but not stay mired there. It almost feels like trying to get out of it is like crawling thru quicksand.

World events have not really helped. It's like toxicity is the new normal.

I am a writer as well. In the next few weeks I am hoping to receive my new writing tool called a Freewrite. It's like an old style typewriter that you can upload your work but not be on a laptop. It means I will not be drawn to reading world news as I am writing. Working on a laptop is really hard for my concentration, even when I installed self-control programs. I have become "addicted" to the news media and my mind associates it when i open the laptop. I do try to write in a journal, but i type faster than I write, so the Freewrite is my next attempt at beating this internet phenomena that in away feels like a massive toxic element (drama, drama, drama) that ends up squelching my creativity.

I also need to work on where my mind goes. Right now I am really fixated on the FOO situation, bc I am only NC since August and the holidays are here and hard. I am not going to beat myself up about being distracted right now, but I do need to work on moving my mind away from the old trauma.

I agree with Boat Babe about the Myth of the Career. All of what we see around us is constructed. Work, then buy stuff. I seem to be drawn to farmers and carpenters and people who create beautiful things like books and poetry, landscape artists, things that are made by hand. There is much meaning there for me. When I was working 9 - 5 and I felt like I was being used by a machine that cared very little about me and my life. Being home now I get lonely but I think much of that is because I am now outside a system that most are caught up in. The idea of community is lost, or there in name only. We barely know each other in my neighbourhood. That is a recipe for loneliness.

So I want to work on creating something beautiful now. I just have to put my focus there and that, I admit is a challenge, but I think it's possible.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm glad I was able to help. That is stunning that your mother would just tell you to give up and have kids. That is insulting on many levels. For me, being a SAHM was utterly rejected by my FOO, and worse by my in-laws, who tried to frame me as nothing but a gold digger, so just goes to show that our choices have to be truly our own!

Hepatica, I'm with you on authentically creating! I think that's simply a necessary component of being human, even better if we can make our living by that means. In a healthy world, work would be like that for everyone.

[Hilltop]

Happypants  I don't have kids either.  My sister is treated like she is an adult and I'm some sort of immature kid still.  However because I was ambivalent about kids this doesn't affect me, I just roll my eyes at it.  I do get irritated by the pity my mother gives me however I don't try to convince her my life is fine, she's going to think what she wants no point in trying to change that.

I agree with Hepatica that I also always feel like I am recovering.  It's exhausting.  There is so much energy that goes into worrying about my FOO.  I am starting to see that this is what acceptance is about, I feel like by being in denial I am still holding on to all those negative emotions.  Its stressful.  I see that if I really accepted the situation there would be that release, being free because I would see the situation as it is what it is and stop worrying about it.

I feel in some ways perhaps the block you have is that you are still holding on to your families idea's about you.  Their voice is still there in your head.  I am still working through this but in part just stopping and realizing the stress of that isn't healthy is helping me to push their opinions away.

I sometimes find it helpful to write a list of goals I want to achieve, what do I enjoy doing, what brings me joy.  Those things on the list are good for you, it doesn't matter if they aren't good for anyone else.  The focus then needs to be on doing those things not the narrative your family set out for you.  That's what I'm working on now as I don't want to continue to feel exhausted.

[SparkStillLit]

Whatever you are doing IS A JOB. Just because you aren't sitting in a covidy office and punching a clock doesn't make it ANY less of a career or job than any other thing! If you like what you do and you want to make a bigger go of it, then do! Take on some more clients, or whatever.
Never MIND what old fogey ideas of "a job" your FOO has! My mom thought it was very suspicious that my PhD bestie taught online. "But that's not a REAL teaching job..."
"Mother, she's a PROFESSOR at a UNIVERSITY, how more real does it need to be?"
When my updh co-wrote networking textbooks from home, "that's not a REAL job..."
"He's paid and he's listed as co-author, what the hell do you want, how do you think these get written??"
Don't listen to them, what do THEY know!!!