I'm trying to learn how to be single.

[Blackbird11]

Anyone have tips to hack your brain to NOT want to date?! 

So because I have an attorney and officially proceeding with divorce, and because I've been missing all human interaction due to quarantine, I decided to try two different dating apps.

At first it was fun and exciting, but that didn't last very long LOL. Thankfully, from what I've learned here, I was able to spot loads of red flags and avoid some sketchy people. But, then I would get into convos with guys, feel like we were hitting it off, and get ghosted. I even got ghosted for a digital drinks date I had set up with someone I was sure would not ghost me 

After that I realized these apps give people way too many options and rather than feel terrible about myself and keep investing energy that wasn't being returned, I deleted the apps.

I'm getting out of a toxic relationship that lasted more than a decade - it's probably better that I just be single until next year anyway. I need to keep rebuilding my self esteem and heal.

What are some of the things those of you who took time off after your divorce did before you got back out there again?

[GettingOOTF]

When people ask me about dating I tell them it's one rejection after another. Which it is. And it's not even the outright rejection, it's the type of people who think you'd go out wit them. It's really disheartening.

You have to lean to weed out the inappropriate people. With practice I've been able to figure out based on the photos who I will and won't have a good time with.

Then I have a sort of mental checklist/test for the first round of convos. This weeks out married guys - they are easy to tell and a couple of others.

My therapist says that you date to find out what you don't want. I approach each date as a fun night out, nothing more. I have honed my list of deal breakers and I'm not afraid to get up and leave a date. I'm also not afraid to cancel a date at the last minute if a red flags pops up.

I have had a few misses in the beginning but you have to get out there and learn this for your self. It will help you build strong dating boundaries. I took about a year after my formal separation before I went on a date and then after a few I took a break to work on myself a lot. Dating brings up a lot of stuff for both parties.

I'm a huge proponent of taking time out. I went to therapy, read a lot of books, got my home in order, started working out and eating better then got a make over. Basically a bunch of stuff to make me feel better about myself. Abusers can smell someone who is beaten down and desperate for a connection.

You also have to understand you are a catch. Look, am I a beautiful woman? No, I come with baggage, I'm nearly 50 and I essentially had to start from scratch, but I'm confident, witty and a ton of fun. When you are dating both parties (assuming neither are PD) are being valuable. I'm my experience men are drawn to confident, secure  women. All the other "icing" falls away when you need something you actually share things in common with, someone who has a range of interests and a level of independence.  To have these things you need to take the time to figure out what these things are. A small thing for me is that I'm not a wine drinker so I'd don't like wine bars. I mention this and have alternatives. If the man insists on the wine bar I move along as he's show straight away he doesn't care for my comfort and this is he k owe what I like more than I do.

My number one method for weeding people out is that I don't exchange off app contact details. You'd be surprised at how many men this is a deal breaker for, but this is a very easy boundary for them to agree to. And a decent, confident man with good intentions will agree. Those who don't tend to be needy and controlling.

Take as much time as you need and honestly there is noting wrong with going out with someone to test the waters. You are under no obligation to agree to a second date.

[Blackbird11]

Thank you so much! This is all so helpful.

I have to agree re: not exchanging real contact info. I used a google voice number to talk to one person and just chatted through the app with others.

I googled my phone number one day to see what would come up and the internet basically has every detail of my life connected to it somehow, including my home address! It's terrifying.

I like the idea of getting my house and general life in order first. My stbx is moving out soon and I have so many things I'd like to do around the house just to make it more comfortable and clean and a fresh start for my son and myself. I think I'll focus on that and the holidays for now and see how I'm feeling about it all in January.

[HopePeace2021]

When I separated from my ex spouse 15 years ago, I jumped right into the dating scene. I wanted to know that there would be life after all of the pain, and to try to have some fun. I was really not ready - the wounds were still raw. Looking back, it would have been best for me if I had held out for a while. Having some good friends to talk to helped a lot - I leaned on them quite a bit. I guess divorce was easier pre-covid because it was possible to cultivate a social life. I know it is more difficult now, so I don't offer the "wait a bit" thought lightly.

I am learning, after a breakup last year, that recovering from a breakup with someone who has PD is different from a "normal" breakup. There is a different kind of healing, as well as deprogramming to do. I journal a lot and my self-help library has grown big time.

If you can take a deep breath and have faith that the future really will deliver the good stuff once you're ready for it, then that might be helpful. I am trying to take my own advice right now.

[1footouttadefog]

I am not divorced, however I am in a spot where I need more social interaction with mature adults.  I have had positive results with meetup app.  Have met really decent men and women.  No weird sexual pressure as we are gathered around a common interest.  Some people do meet and date on occasion but it's not them main reason for meeting.  Decent professional folks from various walks of life with common interests. Even Polite, amazing. 

[Kat54]

I'm maybe thinking about jumping into the dating scene after my divorced was final in July. Though I want to get my new home in order still and with this pandemic its probably just as well to hold off until the spring.  The fear of coming across people and new relationships is daunting and scares me a little and I am not looking for any big commitment or marriage. Long term friend, sure, but not a needy person looking for a new wife to take care of them. 
Being single has been a little difficult and not having a relationship but you realize its better to learn independence and not rely on someone else for your happiness. You are the only one that makes you happy.

[1footouttadefog]

For me the idea of enjoying being single would be to enjoy being single.  By this I mean I would not be worried about finding a partner. 

I would focus in enjoying life as a single person. Fill that life out holistically, social life and friendships, health and fitness, art, music, good food, classes, group activities, hobbies, social events, church, work, gardening, farmers markets, etc etc.

If I met someone in thw course of living a great life, fine, but life would not be about looking for someone, because I believe a person I meat from a place of strength while  living happily will more likely result in a decent relationship.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Boat Babe]

I agree with everyone that it's good to live life for yourself for a while.

In normal times, I get my people fix from friends and fellow activists and volunteers. I could spend every evening with like-minded people working on any number of projects and come home feeling satisfied and seen. At the moment though, that's tricky and I am glad I have my dog.

Lockdown did bring the loneliness I have carried within me from childhood front and center though. It's been a focus of compassionate enquiry and a measure of healing as a result. I know now that some of my less than skillful choices (aka fuck ups) have stemmed from this bone deep ache and I have to hold past me in my arms and comfort her for this. 

I do hope you can find truly satisfying ways to engage with people that lift you up.