How Does C-PTDS Feel

[Hepatica]

So last night we had a wicked wind storm and when I got up in the middle of the night, perhaps I was dreaming, but it looked the house was shaking inside. It was freaky. When I woke this AM I was feeling quite distraught, as I have been for a little while now. A lot of what I've done wrong spinning out of control in my mind and I had this thought that if I experienced violent fighting in my home from the moment I was brought home from the hospital as an infant, what kind of foundation have I been built on? I mean, like the house holding up to the storm, what kind of foundation has it been built on?

Last year I was diagnosed with C-PTSD and finally my entire life made sense. So I do understand it intellectually but on an emotional level I feel that whenever a bad storm rushes in, I am taken out. I am literally knocked down and it seems like I am continually rebuilding and not getting anywhere... because let's face it, life has storms and my foundation is fragile since birth.

Deep thoughts... I know. 

Love your thoughts and if anyone relates and if anyone has found a book or type of therapy that rebuilds fragile foundations. Does anyone out there get what I am saying?

[Starboard Song]

I haven't experienced it, but I watched my DW go through this, from realizing the issue, to doing the first big stuff, to now still cleaning up. The entire first line of my signature lists the resources she found most helpful.

Her advice is always distinct from what we often hear: we don't feel good when our lives aren't good. We feel lonely when we are alone, for instance. So whatever you do in the way of talking, reading, and learning, from books, counselors and whatever else, you must plan to CHOOSE A COURSE OF ACTION, and then to do things that change your condition. Move, change jobs, buy a banjo: whatever it is you need.

She needed to try meditation, for instance, and find a strong exercise regimen she enjoyed. Her point is that a wounded soldier in action never sits to write a letter about his pain: he starts crawling, or applies a tourniquet. So she tells people to be biased towards action.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I relate, Hepatica.  I'm really sorry you're having to go through this.  It can be very scary and overwhelming.

I'm working with a trauma therapist.  (She does EMDR & SE, somatic experiencing.)  She seems to think the crazy-big energy of my emotional reactions these days is a good sign.  I used to just freeze/ collapse & dissociate. 

I tell her of these extremely intense emotions that get set off and she always says the same thing in a very calm voice.  "That's a trauma response."  Like these huge, scary swings are just normal under the circumstances.  Which I suppose they are, given my past.   And then she tells me we want to keep all that energy alive bc then we can have some movement that wasn't possible with the collapse response. 

She is teaching me, with the SE, how to modulate it some so that I'm not carried away by it (which she says makes it hard for it to become integrated, which is needed).    I have a long way to go, but this trauma T seems hopeful.

What I see in you, Hepatica, is a good, kind heart, lots of strength, and great insight into yourself.  Trauma responses happen, and they can take your breath away, but they can be worked with, and they certainly don't define you.  XO

[notrightinthehead]

My experience after all the work I have done,  my foundations will always be weak. My childhood remains crappy. My trauma response - freeze -  will be triggered. Given that, instead of going into a shutdown state of two weeks and acting out, my response now lasts a day maximum. I have learned to calm myself down and come back to the present, where I am a capable adult sorting out her own problems and soothing herself back to a calm state.
I like your image of the house shaking inside, I imagine it being a house built in a earthquake zone, flexible, bendable, moving, and still standing after a big tremor.

[Boat Babe]

 

We can't undo our past and we are where we are. At 63 I am still working on myself as a result of a crappy childhood, bone deep loneliness and some pretty serious co-dependancy issues.  I don't think I will ever be entirely free of it and still have bad days.

However, despite all that, I am happy. My life and my values kinda match up, I have a great relationship with my son, I have fantastic friends, I am able to work still and have good health. I consider myself very lucky indeed.

Community, love and support are the key to dealing with the bad days imo. This is where our FOC are so important as well as support groups.

Huge hugs to everyone on this journey.

[treesgrowslowly]

What you described makes sense. CPTSD can be described as feeling like someone tripped the switch for us emotionally. Even though we understand things intellectually our minds feel threatened. And this manifests in a myriad of ways.

Trees

[Hepatica]

Thank you to each and every one of you. I cannot express my gratitude for this space to learn and share, esp. at this time.

Starboard Song
So much wisdom in what you wrote. I painted a large square of chalkboard paint on my bedroom wall. I write things on it, generally plans and supportive phrases. Wrote in large letters BE BIASED TOWARD ACTION yesterday. Had a better day. Got out into the community and later on exercised. Better day. Thank you. Your DW sounds wonderful.

Lookin 2 B Free Your kind observation of me touches me. Thank you. I am so interested to learn how your big energy emotional responses continue to evolve. I am stunted in the freeze/collapse mode I think. My T has a trauma focus but does not use those techniques. It sounds very interesting to me.

notrightinthehead - I get what you're saying. I noticed this about myself as well. My freeze (freak outs) are much more short lived. I still have this disconnected feeling and lots of shame. Here's to all of us building in ourselves a flexible foundation, bending and still standing as we heal. A great analogy. Thank you.

Boat Babe - I have that bone deep loneliness as well. Ugh. I am so happy and inspired by you, that even carrying the extra's of trauma you have great friends and good relationship with your son. We can do this. I know we can. And the thing is, I hope that it acts as a ripple affect of healing as more of us get better.

treesgrowslowly What you wrote about the mind feeling threatened is a big one for me and often it is a compulsive thought pattern I am doing to myself. I am becoming aware of it now and I think mindfulness meditation techniques are helping me. I am aware that I have a negative inclination and I can sit with that now and wonder about it and then gently move my thoughts to other things that bring me joy. This isn't exactly helping me when the switch get tripped, but when that happens I am seeing that my mind is much more self-compassionate than it used to be.

Love to read all other's thoughts about this. How have you worked on building a more flexible, secure foundation to heal your C-PTSD?

[reallivefiction]

Hepatica, this post just validated everything I feel!

My intellectual knows what I need to do to move forward, but my emotional mind can't cope and gets stuck.

We're in this together 

[newlife33]

I relate, thanks for sharing.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi Hepatica  If you're not at the OOTS sister forum already I'd highly recommend it! It's got great resources and insight.

I *100%* get and understand what you are talking about.

I stand by anything by Pete Walker and flashback management (or amygdala hijacking, as it's also called - what happens when your intellectual/observational self gets swallowed up by the emotional state, and you feel like you'll be trapped in those feelings forever). His 13 steps to managing flashbacks was foundational for me to understand and get the first peek at what was going on in my mind and body. (Apologies if you've already been referred this).

Second: reading up on internal family systems (IFS) and getting in touch with that emotional state as a part of yourself, the inner child, that is frozen in the past. (Apologies if this is old news too.) This one has been huge for me. I've combined it with the shamanic journeying/dreamwork I did leading up to being diagnosed.

The idea of IFS is that in a flashback, the inner abused child takes over, needing to be heard and released, and it can be extremely distressing. You wish it was over, or feel like it will go on forever. I personally feel like I completely forget what it felt like to ever be OK when I'm in a flashback, it's like I'm drowning in a well, and I even feel like if I ever did feel OK, I was probably lying to myself - that's how bad it has gotten (but then when I'm out of it I think "how could I ever have thought that???" It's because I'm dealing with two different parts of myself, the abused child took over, and that's all the abused child ever knew.)

I've found it's important to not "exile" those feelings (the inner child) and wish they were gone or over or to be critical of them (be gentle with yourself!), which seems the opposite of what you want I know. Literally ask your inner critic, "please be quiet right now, come back later, can't you see this kid is sad?" just like you would with an adult who is being too grown-up/bad bedside manner with a kid who doesn't understand what's going on. Instead, do WHATEVER you need to comfort yourself, your child, first and foremost, and let them (and you) grieve the "death" of your family (the family you never had). Allow yourself to feel that grief. Create safe spaces, cozy nooks, the perfect blanket/book/snack/wine combo, your secret fort, just any sort of routine to use when that child surfaces and spend time with yourself just like you would with a kid who wants to feel safe. It's the frozen feelings of the abused child within you that are crying out to be heard, seen, and comforted...instead of shamed, expelled, and forced to hide, as we learned to do from abusive FOO. It's "re-parenting" yourself.

I've developed a pretty habitual self-dialogue now and I do have to admit, flashbacks are fewer and far between and soothing myself is becoming more automatic, though not perfect. (That little kid in me can be tricky to console! So I play video games with her with a snuggly blanket and hot tea, and chocolate, and one of my cats, when she comes back up )

And again, sorry if you've heard all this already... 

[Hepatica]

DistaneNotDefense,

What a beautiful helpful response. So much great wisdom. Thank you.

I didn't know about Internal Family Systems. I will research that.

What is the OOTS sister forum?

[DistanceNotDefense]

Out of the Storm, it is all about CPTSD recovery. I actually came from there to here. Good luck!

https://www.outofthestorm.website/