Is this Situation Crazy-Making or Am I Just Crazy?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Both parents were definitely disordered. We kids were pitted against each other. We all grew up with trauma and a bad case of fleas.  I got therapy, but no one else wanted to.  I'm no longer doing what I'm "supposed" to -- my job in the family -- rescuing and enabling. 

I guess I could say I don't trust any one of the FOO.  I put some distance between us, decades ago.  Now some of them have moved close to me.  I've lessened the contact with them this past year.

Some people can be overwhelmingly charming, generous, smiling, laughing, flattering, entertaining to everyone in a group except one, whom they quietly insert a knife into the back of while everyone else is looking at the magician's other hand.  Does this sound familiar to anyone here?

So then I lower contact more.  But my kids are grown; no FOC still lives with me.  So the FOO one goes around me and starts contacting & enticing the rest of my FOC, who have no idea of this background, into a closer and closer relationship in what feels like "behind my back" as I'm not included & just accidentally hear about it here and there.

I believe the end goal is to stick it to me by usurping my position in my own FOC. After a lifetime of showing no particular interest in them, my FOC has suddenly become this person's intended BFF.   This usurping happened regularly in my FOO, and with others, where I was conspicuously bested and kicked to the side.  I have hair trigger sensitivity to it.  And the alarm bells are going off again.

I think it's possible, and even likely, that I'm overreacting emotionally due to how badly this stuff triggers me.   I don't think I'm imagining something that's not there, but I question myself.  Initially I tried talking to this person, which led to nowhere good.  Everyone else in the scenario is perfectly happy while I quietly sit here feeling like a hostile campaign is being carried out against me.  It's been escalating for months.

I know the original meaning of gaslighting is to make one question oneself and feel crazy.  I don't know if this is that, or passive-agg, or if I am just really off the rails and kind of crazy . . . some pathetic, insecure, neurotic person who sits here alone imagining hostilities where everything is really just fine, better than fine, in fact.  Is the situation crazy-making, or am I just crazy?  Does anyone relate?

[notrightinthehead]

I can relate. That self image is so painful.
Would it be possible to talk to your FOC openly about your fears and insecurities concerning that person?

[Thru the Rain]

Yes I can relate!

Since my FOC is just DH (no children), hasn't been possible for my FOO members to do this. But I watched my uPDM become BFFs with my sister's ex - over my sister's objections. And my M then complaining to me "but I always liiiiiiiiked him". Um, no you didn't - you couldn't stand him right up until it would hurt your daughter to be friendly.

And this same behavior took place with my friends, so I haven't introduced my M to any of my friends for decades. She thinks I don't have any friends, because otherwise she'd know them, right? 

I also see my M picking out the one person who is the designated "person we don't like" and just torture that person. Usually a family member. And that was me for many years until I moved out and went radio silent for a couple years.

I noticed her favorite target is someone who we should really rally around - the person who just lost a job, or went through a divorce or some other difficult time. That's the person who gets the full outsider treatment. And now in her late 70s she complains because no one comes around any more.  Absolutely no self awareness.

Crazy making is exactly how I would describe this.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

It seems so clear when you talk about it, Rain.  I think of it as "weaponizing" a family member -- which, of course, was modeled to us perfectly by our parents.

Not Right, this FOO member is one I am only very recently starting to come Out of the FOG about.   That I was sort of a caretaker for this person at one time makes it feel more confusing.  I'm not sure why, but it somehow feels unfair to do something to thwart their relationships with others, even my FOC.  Like that would be a rotten thing for me to do.  It feels like something that should be none of my biz and I should learn to live with.   

I think I need more clarity about this.  Maybe the feelings I just mentioned come from still being somewhat in the fog.  I'm not sure.

[Call Me Cordelia]

That would be a decent thing to do with normal people, to let them make their own choices and their own mistakes. PWPD bank on our decency. And no, I don't think you're crazy in imagining the endgame here. Sounds like you've seen it before.

So this FOO-man, how are his social skills generally? Does he (or she) have good relationships generally? Outside of the FOO? How about your FOC? Do they normally have N-dar? In other words, are they likely to see reality in time? Or are your FOC just being nice and are pretty clueless and FOGGY?

These are your children. I think you would be within your rights to have ONE conversation with them about the family history, and your suspicions that it's repeating itself. After that, well everybody's adults, and you're decent enough not to say, "I told you so."  Also, it is super pathetic to imagine that one can usurp your place with your own kids. I don't know you but I bet you're a good mom and really, not so easily replaced! 

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Good questions, Cordelia.  This person hasn't had much luck with friendships, but is masterful at roping in a group of people and taking complete charge of the whole deal, being the sole center of attention, doling out flattery and such -- controlling the room and working the crowd.  When they're involved in something, it's their show, played to the hilt.  This can be exciting and enjoyable for recipients who get showered with praise and goodies.  And it can come across as incredible niceness & charm.  Sometimes when this person campaigns to be the top dog with someone, they drop it like a stone when the recipient doesn't make it rewarding enough.

My kids haven't been around this kind of thing.  They know about more overt types of abuse and manipulation like intimidation or even shame-mongering and about standing up for themselves.  But not about PD's since I was in the fog back then.  And nothing about feel-good types of manipulation.  They were taught to be decent and respectful to others unless that person was unkind or crossing boundaries. 

My kids love me and have told me they appreciate how I parented them.  But if they, or the grandbaby, are being continually approached, asked to commit to plans, treated like BFF's and love bombed, I think, without any intention on the kids' part, that I could get relegated to the background. 

Probably we'll all get invited there for holidays, birthdays, etc. from now on.  I'm quarantining and won't go, but if I were to, I'd be ignored while the others would be treated at over-the-top levels.  No one ever notices how often I'm pointedly left out.  And if anyone tries to talk to me, that person can be immediately called away and roped into the big production.   Meanwhile, I go into my trauma response, collapse/freeze, which I'm working with my trauma T on.

I guess I wonder this.  If I'm really entitled to warn my kids about this, why doesn't it feel like I am, Instead of feeling like I'd be a bad-mouthing jerk, which I'm determined not to be?

[notrightinthehead]

That is such a difficult situation. And your trauma response has already been triggered. When I am confronted with such unpleasant feelings " . . . some pathetic, insecure, neurotic person who sits here alone imagining hostilities where everything is really just fine," I try to just feel them for a while. (as described in Radical acceptance by Brach). That means not talking myself out of the feelings or acting on them, just go into the feeling and feel. Surprisingly the feelings seem to change and weaken after a while. And they come back and I do it again.
Of course you know that this is your own judgement of yourself and quite a harsh one, probably your kids do not share this judgement. If you have that kind of relationship with them you could tell them about it and get some feedback how they see you.
You could also try to give yourself some loving mothering - accept that you feel jealous and excluded and maybe even scared of loosing the relationship and then imagine that you hold yourself and give comforting, kind, validating messages to yourself, the kind of soothing you would have given to your own children when they felt insecure.
When I feel so insecure and unbalanced, I also behave differently, I withdraw, become silent, and freeze - an unfortunate behaviour when I need re-assurance and validation. I don't know how your behaviour changes, it might help to look into that and adjust if it is contraproductive to you feeling secure again.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, NotRight.  You are so right on, it brings tears to my eyes.  I am familiar with radical acceptance and with comforting the inner child.  I'm throwing everything at this I can because it is incredibly triggering and painful.  It is so tied in with the terrible rejection and ostracism of my childhood,  it practically makes me lose my head. 

Over the months it's been going on and escalating, I have had the frantic thought that I MUST sell my home and move away from the place where my children and grandchildren live, that was my chosen home long before other family decided to move close by, and that I love.  This is part of what makes me feel whacko -- my extreme internal reactions.

I'm just like you.  In the face of this stuff I withdraw, clam up, freeze, collapse, dissociate, and want nothing more than to hide.  If I don't have a very close, safe, friend around to help me (which I almost never do in these family situations), I pretty much become a mannequin.   I haven't turned to my kids to know about or help me with my problems bc I didn't want to parentify them the way my parents did.  Nor do I now that they're adults. 

After reading all of your responses, I'm writing out scripts to see if I can come up with something to pass on to my FOC.  Some healthy communication which does not leave anyone feeling guilty, obligated or burdened and seems right and fair.  I don't know if I'll ever use it, but maybe it will be clarifying to journal it anyway.    Loads of thanks for helping me feel not alone in this!   ❤️

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Dang!  So easy . . . why didn't I do it 6 months ago?!?

I wrote out a first draft of what I might (if I somehow got up the guts)  tell my kids -- a long convoluted thing that I knew needed work. 
Then I realized today, I'd better get on the stick.  Holidays are around the corner and so are 3 birthdays in my FOC.  If I didn't address it, all of those occasions might be dominated by this person from my FOO.

I thought of a very simple explanation, focused on the fact that I have an issue with this person right now,  which didn't go into details  . . Then I talked with my FOC.  I answered a few questions and it was over in 5 or 10 mins.  Now if things get weird and I want to give them a heads up that it's getting into uncomfortable territory, they'll have the background.  

I'm soooooo relieved!!!!  Thanks for your support!  It was really helpful!

[notrightinthehead]

I am so happy for you! Congratulations for being so brave!