The hoovering has started.

[yellowdaisy]

Just need to write this out and process. Thanks for following along.

The hoovering is like clockwork. DH and I have been NC for a few months, I knew the hoovering would start eventually, especially with DC's bday coming up. If it had been any other time of the year uPDMIL probably wouldn't have batted an eye. Holidays are her favorite time to hoover/love bomb though.

After a few months of NC, sure enough, we received a gift for DC's bday, just as expected. But not without MIL first making it into a huge production, texting DH in the middle of the day at work telling him to answer his phone so the delivery person could find our home because she just had to make sure the package was directly handed to us. (during a pandemic) No "hey how are you" after months of not talking, just "I ordered a present for DC make sure you answer your phone..." She knows DH works during the day. No logic. It's just what she wants.

DH's sibling (flying monkey, I assume) texted DH about gift delivery the day before (DH originally thought gift was from sibling) DH grey rocked.
Then the text from MIL about answering his phone. No response from DH.
We received the package. DH says nothing.
Next day, an email from MIL, forwarding a coupon for toys for DC bday. No response from DH.
Next day after that, MIL "friends" DH on a social media account he rarely uses. No response from DH, blocks her.
Next week, text from sibling asking for photos of DC playing with gift. DH grey rocks, does not send photo.
A few hours later, text from MIL with the infamous, "I miss you, let's work things out". No response from DH.
Next day after that, email from MIL with the same "lets work things out" message, with the added dramatic flair of "I don't want to spend the rest of my life without you in it". No response from DH.

This is all very expected, very text book and I knew it was coming. I'm just... tired. I thought I would be angry or annoyed when this started happening, but I'm just sad and tired. Every text is another reminder of all the stress and pain and rejection the ILs have put us through. Another reminder that it's a lost cause. Another reminder that they don't get it. I feel sad for DH, I feel sad for DC, I feel sad for myself. I didn't want things to be this way, but we are in an impossible situation. I am beyond tired having every holiday turn out this way, having to fight to keep the attention on DH and DC, rather than have the unwanted bombardment of texts/emails/gifts affect us negatively. My anxiety worsens right before every holiday now, preparing myself for what's to come. I guess since it's expected I'm getting more used to it though. This year I think we did a great job though keeping focus on DC's bday and enjoying it with family that cares for us. We were ready and prepared.

It's interesting, DH never told MIL he was going NC. DH has actually gone longer than this with NC in the past. I think MIL is just getting upset/frustrated that she reached out and DH is not responding (the hoovering is not working). There is no "working it out", we've tried that. For years and hours and hours of conversations, we've tried that. I'm tired of hearing words that mean nothing from the ILs. What does MIL mean by that? She just means "come back" that's all. "Come back to me" (get back in your place). There is no working things out. And it's sad. I wish we could but it is out of our control. We are not the ones who need to work. They need to do the work.

I'm really proud of DH and how he's handling this, I wish he didn't have to though. I asked what his goal was and he said for total NC bc he just wants all of this to be over, he seems to be assertive and confident this is what's best for him.
Thanks for reading, this was just a bit of an update, and venting I needed to get out. DH and I only have each other to talk to about this, besides his T. Thanks for being here with me and I hope you all are doing okay too. 

[Starboard Song]

It comes to us all, eventually.

Hang in there!

[xtra_crispy_recipe]

What does MIL mean by that? She just means "come back" that's all. "Come back to me" (get back in your place). There is no working things out. And it's sad. I wish we could but it is out of our control. We are not the ones who need to work. They need to do the work.

I feel like I could have written that sentence myself! You are not alone, you're doing the right thing. Good job!

[Sidney37]

Yes!      They need to do the work, but they never see it that way.  I agree, it is exhausting and they certainly love to make it harder at holidays.  I just keep reminding myself that I can't keep doing the work that they need to do and that they will never change.   

[bloomie]

yellowdaisy - we are here. We understand so well the exhaustion that comes from the vigilance needed to keep the toxic stuff out of our happy lives. Consistent messages are so important and you and your DH seem to have that down pat! Strength to you!