My DS Makes the Hard Decision on Grandparents for Himself

[Starboard Song]

My DS turned 18 back in August, and this is his last year at home with us before heading off to college. He recently received yet another package from my in-laws, from whom we are now 5 years NC. They never try to communicate with us, but they mail him stuff constantly: cards, gifts, letters, everything. For a long time now, since he's been old enough to make the decision, he's told us to destroy mail from them to him unopened, and we followed that guidance. But this time he said he'd like to read it. It was a formal portrait of them, or something, and it invited him to visit them, and implored him to call or write. I don't know the exact contents. But we asked if he wanted to talk about it, or if he needed to share anything, letting him know we understand that the emotions are hard.

He surprised us.

He said he would like to send them a message in reply, but that he wasn't going to. Trepidatious, we asked why not. He said that if he replied in any kind manner at all he knew what would happen next. He would eventually have to explain to them that he just did not want a relationship with them. Since he didn't want to have to write that, he decided he'd stop while he was ahead, and not reply at all.

There are no victories in such an ugly war. This isn't a high-five and grin situation. But young boys often struggle with interpersonal communications, and even understanding their own emotions. For my DS to weigh his own experiences, to consider what he knows about them and us and our family crisis, and to make such a bold independent decision. For it to be at once so tough, but then also so oddly kind-hearted, is just inspiring.

Our crisis began when he was only 12. It was like going through a divorce. Now they live a few hours away, in the state below us, so they are gone from our lives unless we choose otherwise. I am tremendously pleased with the young man he has grown into.

I share this because I know many of you have young children, and you are struggling with a VLC or NC decision, and you worry how it will turn out. Well, there is hope. If you always maintain age-appropriate communications. If you are sharing and open and vulnerable. If you transfer responsibility to your child in an age-appropriate way as they age (don't ask: it is different in every case), you can indeed make it through the swamp.

Good luck, everyone!

[Call Me Cordelia]

This is wonderful to read! Your son sounds so intelligent and mature. Thank you for sharing!

[Andeza]

No it's not a high-five or victory grin moment, but I bet it darn sure is a relief, SS. I know I heaved a big sigh of relief when I read your post.

Thanks for the encouragement. Our DS isn't even 2 yet and we're NC with my uBPDm.

[D.]

Encouraging.  Thank you for the real life success story. 
My adult son did something similarly recently where he drew boundaries of contact w/grandparents that worked for him.  My daughter too.  I encouraged and talked w/each of them about what they needed and wanted and I think it helped them figure things out.  I often mediate between also, since I seem to know how to talk w/my parents and am hardened enough to not feel so hurt by their responses...it's odd the mama bear protectiveness in me seems to be able to handle my parents well as grandparents, something to reflect on I think!

[Jolie40]

thanks for sharing!

[treesgrowslowly]

Wow. Thanks for sharing that starboard. That is life affirming.

I think that these experiences are important for us to share and know. Your post made me realize how much power there might be in seeing parents acknowledge the emotional cost of certain relationships.

So many kids grow up being told to put up with PD behaviours and then they have a hard journey to walk as adults who were told to 'suck it up' and accept abusive relationships.

More kids need the protection you've provided your child.

Growing up, no one around me taught me this very important lesson. How we feel inside after we interact with someone is so important but it is denied to many many children in families with PDs. Instead the children are told that how they feel is wrong or bad.

Hearing about how NC benefits the children in a family always gives me hope. 

Trees

[M0009803]

We are in a different boat.

Our daughter is now one, and my PD mother has never met her.

I have decided I do not want my mother anywhere near our daughter, as she is just too dysfunctional.

So now I have to think about how to respond to my daughter when she asks why we don't meet anybody in my own direct family (vs my wife's).  Have been reflecting on this and there doesn't seem to be an easy answer.

[D.]

This topic got me thinking about how to talk w/our kids, at various ages, about the topic.  There is a great resource in the tool box here of what to do called "Talking to Kids".  It lists out how to adjust what you say based on the developmental appropriateness for the age of the child or youth.  I found it extremely useful.  Wish I'd had it when my son was younger, but it helps now too.

[Amadahy]

Thank you for sharing, Starboard.  What a poignant moment .... a wise decision, but another marker in the reality of necessary separation.  How is your wife doing?

[Starboard Song]

How is your wife doing?

My wife is fine regarding this stuff, actually. With the pandemic hitting close to home in various ways, it emphasizes all the more why we don't have space in our lives for those who predictably make it less pleasant.

She has moved on.