Psychotherapist has retired and feeling a bit lost

[Koalatrumpets]

Hi All, relieved to be here, site was recommended by therapist.
Long story short, NPD mother in law. Husband unaware until he started seeing a psychotherapist this year. Since then worked on boundaries and MIL reacted exactly as therapist said she would. No contact from her but he kept phoning, then eventually texting once a week. She finally cracked and sent a text asking what the problem was. He called her. I don't know exactly what he said, but his words have been changed by her and now her sister has sent a very long message saying he is wrong in all of his points and that he needs to apologise to his mum. The message is distressing to us. It mentions his deceased father at least twice and that his father would be ashamed of him and he needs to decide if he wants to make his dead father proud. My husband has decided to delete his mum and aunts numbers and not respond to the message. I feel sick to my stomach. I would have loved dearly for him to seek advice from our therapist (who is now retired) to see if this was the right thing. Should my husband have 'defended his honour' and tried to set the record straight? He knows now that the whole family will have been told their side of the story and that will be the end of contact. To complicate matters, we have a baby, the main reason for me pushing my husband to seek therapy finally was so we could protect our baby. I feel unwell and stressed and am hoping here to find support from people who understand. A close friend said my husband should address each point in the message and try to sort things out. (He has no idea of NPD). I worry what my mother in laws next move will be. I think I worry because of our baby. When I was pregnant she told us that the baby I was carrying is her baby. We did set her straight but it took a lot of arguing. I just don't think she'll give up on seeing the baby that easily.

[blunk]

Welcome! First, I would like to say that it is great that you and your husband realized the need for help, and reached out to get it.

I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this, especially without the guidance of your trusted therapist. I don't have any specific advice, as the pd in my life was my bpdxh. What I would advise is for you to have a look through the Toolbox portion of this site. There is a lot of great advice such as what to do and what not to do in various situations, using Medium Chill, Gray Rock, keeping low or very low contact, etc..

One of the basic tools described is simply not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) which is what it sounds like your husband is contemplating in replying to his mother's and aunt's messages. This typically leads to circular arguments, in which you go round and round and nothing changes. It is unlikely that any amount of logic or fact will change a pds mind, once they have made up their mind about you.

There is a lot of great information and advice here. And sometimes, more than anything else, it is a place to vent and know that those you're reaching can understand as they have faced many of the same behaviors. Good luck and I look forward to hearing about your progress.

[treesgrowslowly]

Welcome,

What you describe is familiar to a lot of folks here.

A narcissist has predictable traits and strategies so in reading some posts here on the site I think you will get a good idea of what to expect from your MIL and her FMs.

Flying monkeys are people in the NPDs life who defend and enable the PD because they are in the fog.

FMs can really really cause confusion because unlike the PD they sometimes can appear neutral which confuses everyone. The FM goes back and forth, literally and emotionally.

The FM is motivated often by avoiding being a target themselves or has a long history pf enmeshment (like her sister would).

FMs tend to be personalities who like drama, and say they "hate drama".

Children who grow up in these sorts of families do not get to see much that is healthy at all in my opinion. Boundaries are constantly challenged and the nons try to reason with people who are not interested in being reasoned with.

Learn about NPD. I stopped talking to people who don't know about NPD because to them, people are reasonable and have empathy and a conscience. They tend to believe that other people are a lot like them. If they have never had to address NPD abuse in their life then it isn't going to make sense to them. A lot of people out there want to believe NPD abuse is rare. Or they just don't want to learn about it even if you ask them to learn about it.

Good luck.

Trees

[tragedy or hope]

Welcome Koalatrumpets!

Your H knows his family. It is HIS family.  So sorry for your fears. We seem to go to the worst possible situation.

To delete and block them from spewing  hatred seems wise to me. He has taken the highly emotional exchange and removed it from distressing the both of you in a worse way. I see this as also a protection of you and your baby for now.

At this point you are not able to control anything. Sounds as if to get more involved would only make things worst from your descriptions of his family. Take it easy. Love your baby, let H do what he needs to do. 

IMO I would take my cues from him. Though you are married to him, you could easily become the family scapegoat or be blamed by someone if things don't work out between all of them  if you get involved.

If I may speak from my own experiences, for many men, I believe it is innate that they want to protect their wives. His actions may have been an unconscious move to do just that.

Also, this is a good time for you and him to be fortified in your position with each other. The family may very well put a wedge between you by their behaviors if you two have any crack in your unity against their actions.

Finally, people will talk and say whatever they want, even if it is a lie or harmful to someone. We cannot control that. You are not what others say you are, you are who you have determined to be... so what they say cannot change you.

Look at the source who is talking. Realize how empty they must be to spend time making you the subject of conversation. Pity them. Don't bother to wonder or imagine what they say.

I would want to stay away from THAT at all costs...

Finally, this is only one person's take and I am on a website for help myself. I am sharing my perspective. I agree that the toolbox has a lot of great answers. Hope you find some peace.