Did anyone else's parents accept the NC without a fight?

[lilia]

Hi all,
I was on the forum before but alas...lost my e-mail so I made a new account.

I wrote my Ndad a NC letter. After careful review with my therapist I sent it via post and tracked it. (I know...I shouldn't have, but I just wanted to ensure that he got it).
Essentially, I very respectfully told my dad that I felt our relationship was not one based on love and support, as a father-daughter relationship should be. I told him I felt I can't meet his high standards/expectations because I felt they were often unreasonable. I didn't go into detail about all of them (because there are so many), but the latest one we had an argument about was the fact that I did not achieve a 4.0 GPA during the pandemic, when all my college courses suddenly switched to online and none of the professors or students could adapt very well. This, along with other issues, caused my father to give me silent treatment for most of 2020 (I know, because he called my sister regularly).

The real kick to his pride, I think, was the fact that I told him to leave me out of the inheritance and stop sending me any money, I'll make it on my own. He used money to control me a lot of the time (saying that since he paid for college, he should get a say in everything I do).

Anyway, the day after the letter was delivered, my Ndad wrote me an e-mail.  He started by saying You must have many grievances (But did not address any specifically). The rest of the e-mail was only 2 paragraphs, but the gist was "I am not going to apologize for anything I did", and "Everything I do, I do for my family". Most of the sentences started with "I". In fact he probably only addressed me directly with the first sentence. It was a very defensive e-mail justifying all of his actions.

In the end though, he seemed to have accepted my decision and actually wished me best of luck (to be fair, it sounded rather sarcastic, but I'll never really know). There was no begging me to come back or even anything showing he was upset about the loss of control.

This honestly confuses me. I was expecting a fight, and I didn't get one. The child in me is really disappointed because I was almost hoping he'd at least be sad or angry or something. But the adult in me is also kind of shrugging and being like "Welp, I don't know what else I expected". A lot of the time, my dad made me feel like my very existence was a burden, always pointing out the costs of college (as though that were my fault, or something?) So I almost feel like I've done him a favor? Which pisses me off and saddens me, because if that's what he intended me to feel, he has definitely succeeded.

And I know, this is definitely something to unpack with a therapist too but my appointment isn't until forever and...Idk. 

[GettingOOTF]

Mine accepted it without any fight or effort to change my mind. My father claims he has no idea why even though I've pointed out his hurtful and abusive behavior for years.

I didn't sent a letter or offer any explanation to him. I stopped calling. It took him about a month to figure it out. My siblings and uncle reached out on his behalf a few times but nothing like what others here experience.

My family all think I'm "crazy" anyway and I'm sure they think this is just one of my crazy phases. My life is a million times better now I'm not having to constantly fight to be treated well by my family.

I think a lot of is go NC in the hope it will finally get them to change. It doesn't. They aren't capable of change. The behaviors are who they are and people don't change unless they really look deep and acknowledge their own issues. I have done that work. I have owned who I used to be and I own who I am now. My family have not done this work. It is what it is.

[M0009803]

This kind of response is not unusual when it comes to PDs who weaponise money in the emotional sense.  I went through this with my PD mother, and it took me years to see the cycle of abuse.

Keep in mind you have been conditioned your entire life to accept money from your parents, at the expense of receiving emotional abuse from them (because when you were younger you did not have other options).

And your PD father has normalised this.

I think you will find that 6-12 months down the line, when you don't come back to him for financial support, he will then try to hoover you back in as he will realise you are not coming back to him (like you most likely used to do before when you got angry at his mistreatment).   I would expect him to use your sister to guilt you and hoover you back in.  They are shameless at using the guilt card.

[Hazy111]

 My expereince is similar to Out of the FOG. I realise im lucky too.

I dont think my father accepted it. Hes 94 though so he couldnt do much.. His only way of contacting was by phone and when i stopped answering and calling he gave up. I got the obligatory flying monkey visits and threats of the police but i didnt answer. Ive changed my numbers and they dont have my email, so im lucky in that way. So he went down without much of a fight. If he was 50 it might be a whole different ball game though! (I had the money gifts back in the day also, when i was supposed to turn up for the "grand ceremony" of handing over of the cheque.)

I never sent a letter or anything just cold turkey.   Both my therapists back in the day suggested "stop answering stop calling, they'll get the message." It took a long time to understand they were right. I needed to accept they werent going to be in my life. I didnt really know PD then and how dysfunctional my family is.

At the end of the day to the narc , youre just an object , a form of narc supply who they just happen to know and want to control. Any apologies are tactical not sincere, to bring you back into the fold.

Ive had 2 letters from Bord sis and flying monkey cousin recently, completely out of the blue after being NC also for over a year (pure coincidence they arrived within 2 weeks of each other dont you think??), trying to guilt me back.

I dont think they ever accept it.

For a PD a person to admit to any form of abuse would mean that they have to challenge who they really are and the image of themselves that they have built up over many many years (since the first years of life when the PD personality is created.)  It would be truly shattering  and result in a complete breakdown. It isnt gong to happen. Denial is the strongest primitive defense in the PD armoury to keep them stable of sorts. Its part of who they are and activated when they see themselves being criticised or "attacked" as they see it.  They will never change, cos ......... they cant.

Good luck.

"When you see it, you cant unsee it"

[Psuedonym]

Hey lila,

I think it comes down to which flavor of PD you're dealing with: there really are only two basic sub-types: ignoring and engulfing. The ignoring type will say 'fine, you're dead to me' at the first opportunity and you may or may not hear from them again. I hate to say consider yourself lucky, because nobody with a PD parent is lucky, but the engulfing type is much worse in this situation. They are parasites who refuse to let go, will blow up your phone with demands, accusations, guilt trips and sob stories, and when that doesn't work, go on an endless smear campaign, trying to recruit anybody and everybody they've ever met that you are a broken, crazy liar who needs to come back and take care of them RIGHT NOW.

At least you've gotten the, however insincere, acknowledgment from your father that you are free to go live your life as you see fit. Take that opportunity and go create an amazing future for yourself!

[Andeza]

Not just without a fight, my uBPDm didn't even make a peep.

I sent an email, framed it as I could no longer handle her particular flavor of mental health problems, and haven't heard a thing beyond an extremely normal birthday card. I think she's pretending nothing happened, but we'll see. Come to think of it... she didn't send DH a card for his birthday, so she probably thinks he forced me into it.

I'd be willing to bet money that he thinks you'll come crawling back, apologizing for the things you said, and that you'll eventually realize you can't go on without him, etc.

Reflecting on Psuedonym's post, I would have sworn up and down that my own uBPDm was the engulfing sort because our relationship was always about her angling toward complete enmeshment. But... all's quiet on the front lines.

[Jolie40]

NC for three mos with PD parent

don't expect any communication because I was always the one to call, visit, bring food over, etc
PD parent only called once/yr on my b'day

if someone can go a whole year w/o calling, they probably don't even realize I'm NC!

[DistanceNotDefense]

"This honestly confuses me. I was expecting a fight, and I didn't get one. The child in me is really disappointed because I was almost hoping he'd at least be sad or angry or something. But the adult in me is also kind of shrugging and being like "Welp, I don't know what else I expected."

Same 

I asked for space to establish VVLC/NC which FOO ignored, they kept texting/social media-ing like everything was normal.  So I ignored those, blocked those. Unblocked months later. Then, silence.

What should I have expected? I guess I got what I wanted.

Though I guess FOO actually addressing (and not gaslighting or DARVOing) complaints, and honoring boundaries, would have been really nice, too, I realize.

Is that really so much to ask for? I'd do it for just about anyone. I'd do it for anyone in this forum and I don't even know any of you.

Their silent treatment is a choice they make out of many other options. They don't think that being considerate, respectful, or acknowledging your pain is an option. And that's where they've failed as caregivers and real family.

And that's what we're grieving...at least the inner children inside of us are, and that's where our shock and surprise comes from, I think. We're grieving the fact that we don't have family that actually want to nurture and protect us, and they may not even like us.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yeah, I don't think he really believes you either. He probably sees it as a manipulative ploy, because that's something he himself would do. I agree that you will probably see hoovering down the line, once reality and prolonged silence from you hits. You did do him a favor, by telling him the truth. Which you didn't owe him, by the way. But it's up to him to take the lesson from it, and it's up to you to build up your own beautiful life.

But I think Hazy hits it right on when she says a pwPD cannot change, because they cannot face themselves. You were brave enough and honest enough to see him as he is.

It does hurt. A lot.

[WinterStar]

This honestly confuses me.

Exactly. PD behavior is nothing if not confusing. It's not consistent (though it is sometimes predictable). It's meant to keep us off balance so that we do what they want. If we were thinking clearly, would we let them treat us the way that they do?

Yeah, I don't think he really believes you either. He probably sees it as a manipulative ploy, because that's something he himself would do.

He figures you're throwing a little temper tantrum and if he doesn't give into it and let's you cool down, you'll just go back to the way things were before. It sounds crazy, but it works, at least sometimes. When my father went to prison for child pornography, my brother swore he would never speak to my father again. Now, my brother has three kids and lets my father stay at his house overnight. And my brother works at a boarding school, so my brother could literally get fired for this.

I would expect him to use your sister to guilt you and hoover you back in.

And that is the only thing my father has ever done. He gave my brother the boohoo story about how mean WinterStar is because she's keeping his graaaaaaaannnndkids away from him (as in my kids). This serves several purposes. It makes my brother feel sympathy for my poor old dad who didn't really do what the police/prosecutor/judge/he (he pled guilty) said he did! I mean, the poor guy just wants to see his grandkids. My father saying this to my brother makes it much less likely that my brother will follow in my vvvlc footsteps because A. my brother is seeing exactly what my dad will say about my brother if my brother tries to get out and B. it drives a wedge between myself and my brother, which has caused me to put distance between myself and my brother, which feeds my father's narrative that I am the big meanie pants who cut my dad out of my life for no reason and now I'm doing the same to brother. And, bonus, the message got back to me too. My brother told me that my father feels like I'm keeping the grandkids away from them, and it was very, very clear that my brother agreed with my dad. There is nothing my dad could ever do that would cause me more pain than that.

[Adria]

I had the same situation as you. When I finally had enough, I told him to disinherit me as I got tired of him holding his money over my head. That was thirty years ago and he has never attempted to contact me since (he is now in his mid eighties). To this day, it makes me scratch my head how our own father's can let you go just like that. I would do anything to rectify a situation like that with my children, and I mean anything.

[Apparently-wicked]

It took mine 10 months to acknowledge that I'd stopped all contact (I'd ALWAYS called regularly and returned calls immediately.) Sib told me he'd written me a letter. I told sib not to even send it to me.  Sib confirmed it was almost identical to the pile of s##t you got served.

Dd has been through similar with her abusive a######e of a dad recently too.  He's just let go.  She's hurt.  He was more possessive and parentifying than my dad so I think she was expecting drama. 

They're utter cowards.

[Sapling]

Dear Lilia,

I'm not surprised that you are feeling confused and saddened by this response:
"He started by saying You must have many grievances (But did not address any specifically). The rest of the e-mail was only 2 paragraphs, but the gist was "I am not going to apologize for anything I did", and "Everything I do, I do for my family". Most of the sentences started with "I". In fact he probably only addressed me directly with the first sentence. It was a very defensive e-mail justifying all of his actions.

I think when people are motivated largely by control they don't react emotionally to emotional authenticity. Instead they react strategically. His response sounds like a deflection. A person who is controlling won't think- how can I make things right with my kid? They think- how can I avoid these accusations? How can I regain control? They may not language it that way but that's what they're driven by.

Years ago I went NC on my parents and my father's response was to act like it wasn't happening. When the reality hit him he started putting money into my bank account now and then, in the hope that this would somehow make up for something or win me back. When my eldest brother went NC on him, he tried to send back the letter correcting his grammar (!) but my mother stopped him from doing that. So you see, these are not heartfelt responses but rather, attempts to evade responsibility and to keep control of the other person by basically not acknowledging the gravity of what has been said.

I hope you can hold onto the fact that his reactions are in NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, a reflection of your worth. The fact that he is blind to what he has lost with you is the most devastating consequence of his behaviour. He is missing out on you, and he is most likely missing out on the good parts of himself. But because you are able to walk away you will get to experience your wonderful self and you will be able to share that with other people who have the capacity to appreciate you. Hang in there. FWIW his reaction confirms that you did the right thing for yourself.