True OCPD behavior

[Prototypian]

One thing my spouse has always displayed is one of the first check marks on OCPD behavior for me.  Our family has been in an angry and at times loud and violent uproar over what I see as a complete non issue.   My kids school is primarily virtual with covid.   The teachers sent home a note that said they are asking that all kids please keep their cameras on during class and dress appropriately.   The kids don't want to keep cameras on likely because they want to goof off.   The teachers stop short of mandating it for many reasons like family issues, lack of camera, and who knows.   I say, "ok kids turn them on and I don't care about your rationalization".   My wife believes the same thing except:

SHE CARES DEEPLY THAT THE KIDS AGREE AND WANT TO HAVE THEIR CAMERAS ON!!!

My kids are teenagers and belligerent enough to not want their cameras on during class for all kinds of whiny reasons.   To me this issue is academic and as a parent I lose no sleep as to the why.   Just turn your stupid camera on, pay attention to your teachers and be part of the class.

My spouse is deeply angry that the kids don't want to turn the cameras on, don't like the fact that the teachers want them turned on and have even said, "I hate this and if you weren't making me do it I wouldn't do it".  My wife is so angry she has been shaking over the fact that these thoughts and attitudes are so.diarespectful.   

I used to teach 6th grade young adult middle school Sunday school.   In my first lecture I would tell the "young Christian adults" as I referred to tjem that they are now at a place where they get to choose their own thoughts.   That honoring their father and mother as a commandment means they have to go to church as a family but they are completely free to sit in church pews and not want to be there. 

I see this as completely the same thing.   As a parent I say "turn on your stupid camera like the teacher asked" and they are completely free to think this is a "lame and irrational parent expectation". 

We have had more screaming arguments over the fact that the kids are doing the camera and don't want to than if they had chosen to get tattoos without consulting us.   

I've read that a common OCPD trait is this sense of moral right.   In this case the morality is that a teenager should choose to love the spirit of a rule they think is lame even if they follow it to the letter.   To follow it but hate it is as bad as the physical act of refusing and not having the camera on.   It's so weird and it just won't stop.

[Penny Lane]

My favorite parenting book series, Love and Logic, is very clear that you want to focus on changing the behavior not the thoughts. You let kids make their own decisions and have their own thoughts, but you limit behavior that causes problems for others.

It sounds like that's what you're doing, whereas your wife wants to also control their thoughts. This seems like a no-win situation for everyone.

[11JB68]

I agree with this being an OCPD thing.
H does similar things.
I though it goes along with the need to control. And also the failure to see others as individuals but rather see us as extensions of themselves.
Uocpdh always wants me to be as angry or upset as he is.

[Call Me Cordelia]

YES! The OCPD thought police! My uPDF was just like this. Any HINT of an attitude real or imagined brought out all the rage. When we would dare question any of his standards, his answer was, "Because it's the (morally) right thing to do!"

If you're a Christian family, refer to the Gospel about the two sons, one of whom told his father he would work and then didn't, and the other said he wouldn't and then did. The second son didn't necessarily feel like working any more than he did before, but he obeyed and that matters.

[Wilderhearts]

Wow.  To me, this is a complete lack of mental and emotional boundaries, and an attempt to cross any boundary that exists, perhaps even erase their existence.  It makes sense that for a pwOCPD, the boundaries she most wants to eliminate are around concepts of Right and Wrong.