Inner critic attack or over-reacting?

[Pinkos]

I've been overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts about something that happened earlier this year. My landlord wanted to increase my rent by a tiny percentage above the allowed rate for my rent-controlled building. I pushed back and they agreed to bring it down to the allowable rate. A week later I received a 'Notice to Vacate' letter in the mail. This was extremely triggering and devastated me emotionally. I was able to confirm that they have no basis to evict me. I sent a letter stating the law and calling them out on their intimidation.

As soon as they received the letter, I get a call basically backpedaling and pretending like they weren't threatening me with eviction to get me to pay the rate they wanted. I felt gaslighted. I complained that I didn't appreciate the intent of the letter and they acted like they didn't understand why I had an issue with it. Basically, denying what they were trying to do. I ended up agreeing to pay the higher rate. I rationalized that it wasn't worth the drama and I didn't want them to punish me by refusing my maintenance requests. Also they hadn't raised the rent in many years and my rent is pretty low for the area. Given all this, I felt guilty for even pushing back on such a small amount. And that's the case they made - they hadn't raised the rent for years and my rent is below market. I told them they could've just said that instead of trying to intimidate me.

Several months later, I'm still fuming about the intimidation. I am fearful of pushing back again next year when undoubtedly they try to do the same thing. It's a shitty landlord and the quality of the building/apartments is not good. But the location is good and the low rent allows me to save a lot of money. I've been trying to rationalize that it's not worth getting upset about due to the small amount they're asking for. It's very small. But I'm fuming still!! I can't seem to rationalize my way out of it. Part of it I'm sure is my inner critic having a field day with me and saying I was a punk for folding.

Part of it though is that I'm sick and tired of feeling bullied my whole life due to my trauma and fawning. I'm sick of it!! I know many of you can relate. So this feels bigger than the practical considerations. I'm pissed off because their stupid letter unglued me and it took me a long time to piece my self together. It triggered fears of homelessness and the shame that comes from standing up for myself. Because I was always met with severe punishment for having boundaries and standing up for myself. And here was instant proof (it seemed at the time in my triggered state) that if I stand up for myself and assert my rights, I will be met with swift punishment. It felt like someone reached out and smacked me down!! I felt humiliated and shamed.

I've been having fantasies of telling them off next year. I won't do it but I feel compelled to say no to them next year and face the consequence whatever it may be!! I feel like I owe it to myself.

Am I over-reacting to this stupid letter? I feel like all this aggravation is not worth it and I should just let it lie. Would love your thoughts, experiences, support on this....

[JollyJazz]

It sounds totally normal that this situation would be triggering. Many of us were attacked brutally when we tried to set (reasonable) boundaries.

Are there authorities you can escalate to if they increase the rent above the rent controlled amount? You have rights, and actually, it's a good exercise in assertiveness to assert them, in a healthy, factual way.

[Pinkos]

It sounds totally normal that this situation would be triggering. Many of us were attacked brutally when we tried to set (reasonable) boundaries.

Are there authorities you can escalate to if they increase the rent above the rent controlled amount? You have rights, and actually, it's a good exercise in assertiveness to assert them, in a healthy, factual way.

I reached out to a couple non-profit housing advocates and was assured that they would have no basis to evict me if I only paid the allowable increase rate. My city has really good tenant rights so I feel legally protected.

I think my fear is just with them taking any punitive actions against me or harassing me or trying to fabricate other reasons to evict me. This may be me drasticizing or it could really happen. (Basically if I move out, they are allowed to charge almost twice what I’ve been paying!) If they harass me, my plan is to not engage unless I absolutely have to and I’m even prepared to hire a lawyer to intimidate them back.

I just feel so tired of being in this submissive position of serving other people’s agendas. In this case, a greedy owner who has neglected my bldg for years and only sees it as an investment property. He could’ve incrementally raised the rent all these years but didn’t cause he was so checked out. And now he feels indignant and entitled to bully me to get whatever he wants. This is enraging me and I don’t feel that I’m being unreasonable. Of course there’s self-doubt that creeps in also. That I’m just making a big to do and it’s not that serious! *sigh* But I also feel so resentful for giving in that I just feel physically ill at the thought of doing it again next year. Thank you for affirming my right to assert myself!!

[Hopeful Spine]

Part of it though is that I'm sick and tired of feeling bullied my whole life due to my trauma and fawning. I'm sick of it!! I know many of you can relate. So this feels bigger than the practical considerations. I'm pissed off because their stupid letter unglued me and it took me a long time to piece my self together. It triggered fears of homelessness and the shame that comes from standing up for myself. Because I was always met with severe punishment for having boundaries and standing up for myself. And here was instant proof (it seemed at the time in my triggered state) that if I stand up for myself and assert my rights, I will be met with swift punishment. It felt like someone reached out and smacked me down!! I felt humiliated and shamed.

I've been having fantasies of telling them off next year. I won't do it but I feel compelled to say no to them next year and face the consequence whatever it may be!! I feel like I owe it to myself.

Am I over-reacting to this stupid letter? I feel like all this aggravation is not worth it and I should just let it lie. Would love your thoughts, experiences, support on this....

Are you over-reacting?  Maybe.
Are you aware and trying to work through this?  YES! (and kudos to you for being aware)
Do I do this very same thing?  YES.

Your landlord did something unfavorable but reasonable.  They hadn't raised the rent in awhile and they have a building to maintain and it's their right to do what they need to do for themselves.  They need to pay the bills, they need to earn a living too.

Within whatever legalities in your city - they are allowed to change the rent to whatever they want. (which I totally might not be understanding the situation - maybe they aren't allowed to go over that percentage)

This made you unhappy and you pushed back.  Probably you should have accepted the rent decision and then either paid the new rent or made the decision to move on.  But you chose a third option which was to push back.

They not only didn't accommodate you, they also didn't react in a way that made any sense to you.  Then everything started to get a bit shady (that's not your fault) and you lost your footing.  At this point your only option was to continue the fight.  And since you are now paying the higher rate - it's pretty clear that you lost the fight.  And that sucks.  It can make you feel defeated and silly for even trying in the first place. 

And now you are stressing about the future and waiting for your next opportunity to win with these people.  I'll bet you even kind of want them to try this nonsense again.  This is the part that seem the most unhealthy to me.

I do the same thing.  I have a family member that said some truly heinous things to my husband.  It's a long complicated saga but the bottom line is that I lost.  It wasn't fair.  I know - without a doubt - that she was AWFUL and cruel.  My options were to accept it, leave it, fight it.  Well, I pushed back and was treated in a condescending way.  I pushed back harder and that persons spouse just put me in my place - cruelly.  They hit hard where I was most insecure.

I took the high road and I regret it.  I SHOULD have stood up harder.  I should have spoken louder.  I SHOULD have said the things in my heart.  But I didn't and guess what?  I now wait for the holidays with heady, edgy feelings. I visualize altercations and how I will this time do the right thing.  I think of future events (events that aren't even planned such as the weddings of my sweet nieces and nephews who are currently teenagers) and I am already preparing myself for what trauma and stress that will bring.

I'm preparing myself to not feel so helpless again.  And so are you.

But we're wasting our time.  For both of us - the event is over.  We lost.

In my case, I had to admit that my family member said the things she said because she was in a bad place herself and she listened to someone who didn't have a firm grasp of the complicated situation.  I had to admit that our friendship wasn't important enough to her.  That hurt.  My family member made the poorest possible moves and when she realized how hurtful she was - she doubled down and made up more rules.  That was humiliating.  The rest of our family acts like everything is fine.  In fact, over the years they seem to try harder to be nicer to this family member and have turned their backs on us a bit.  So unfair.  I have spent many a days, daydreaming of a perfect public altercation where I get shamed again but this time I say the most perfect thing and suddenly - everyone understands and they support me and they make changes and eventually my family member even cries and we hug and everything is resolved and perfect again.

My current options seem to be, 1. leave the entire situation, 2.) start a conversation or pick a fight and get it over with, or 3.) find peace.  I'm failing to do any of these things efficiently.  Thank you for sharing your struggle because it's making me realize that I'm torturing myself.  Peace is NOT coming.  It's been 8 years. 

In your case, you have to live in the place where you lost.  You have to deal with your enemy each month when you hand over a pile of money to them.  Of course you feel burned.  You want this situation to be better!  It would be hard to live somewhere if you feel wrong and defeated.

Since I'm 8 years into a bad situation I'm not the person to be doling out advice.  But I'm with you in the struggle to find peace and to let yourself heal.  Believe me - I'll be following along here to see if anyone else has wisdom.

[LemonLime]

Sorry I don't have much time right now but I want to say that I think we can find Peace.  But only with ourselves, not with them.

My peace with my uPD is with me.  It doesn't involve her.

[Pinkos]

Hopeful Spine - Thanks for your comment. I think you misunderstood me though - I wasn't objecting to a rent increase, I was objecting to the intimidation to pay OVER the allowable rent increase rate. I admit it was over by a small amount, and if they had just said, 'listen, we are asking you to pay a little bit over the legally allowable rate since we didn't increase the rent for several years', I would've been happy to do it. What's getting under my skin is the intimidation of the letter. I pushed back even after they sent the letter and then I received a call and that's when they said 'well we didn't raise the rent for several years and you're way below market rate etc' AND THEN I agreed to it. At the time I thought it was because I didn't think it was worth it to fight them over such a small amount but now I feel like I was under duress when I agreed to it. The letter had triggered me and I just wanted the whole thing to be over with! So yes I suppose I feel "defeated" and it's eating away at me. Why should I give up something when I don't have to? Aren't I allowed to be self-interested too?

I realize this is all partly about my trauma response. But it's also not uncommon for crappy landlords to use these tactics to circumvent tenant protections for their own financial gain. Esp in a city as expensive as mine where many people are housing insecure. And believe me, the owner is only interested in maximizing profit. I could give him double in rent and it wouldn't improve my quality of life one iota. He wouldn't use that money for upkeep - it would just be more cash in his pocket. So that pisses me off too. Months later and I'm still having bouts of anger and irritation about the whole episode. I'm also feeling like 'have I now been put in my place and I have to agree to however much they choose to go over next year?' So you're right in that I'm chafing at having to live in a place where I feel like I've been "defeated" in a sense. It's bringing up a lot of childhood stuff, a lot of the stuff I dealt with with my family even as an adult where I felt like I had no choice, I couldn't assert myself and had to take whatever humiliation I was getting.

[Hopeful Spine]

Hopeful Spine - Thanks for your comment. I think you misunderstood me though - I wasn't objecting to a rent increase, I was objecting to the intimidation to pay OVER the allowable rent increase rate.

Gotcha!!  You wanted the respect of an honest transaction - not the intimidation and mind games.  I've been there too.  At times I've felt that I could have received information, or criticism even, if it was given in an honest manner.  I also resent when people ask me to do something under the guise that they are doing me a favor when I know dang well that it's self serving for them.  I don't treat people in this manner and it irritates me to no end when I'm treated crappy - especially out of nowhere. 

Sounds like you've got a good handle on things.  Hopefully in time the anger will dissolve.

[Hepatica]

PInkos, I'm so sorry that this happened. There is an unfairness to it that hits the core, meaning safety and survival issues. Our home should be our place of refuge. I would feel exactly the same way as you and I think anger is a valid response. It makes me mad just reading about it bc I've met one too many landlords that seem to lack conscience and care about profit alone over people. It's hard to reconcile we live in a world like that.

I also agree with you that it would bring up old wounds bc a landlord really does "feel" like a parental figure. They have all the power after all and when you grew  up your home was not safe, and now, this sense of not being safe is right there again. I think it's great that you stood up for yourself and you should pat yourself on the back for that. I think seeking legal counsel about was wise self-care as well. Well done.

Keep evaluating how you feel and giving yourself a lot of tender loving care. I would also advise keeping your options open. If you find another place in that location, even if it's a bit more $$, perhaps it's worth it to find a home where you really feel comfy and safe?

[Pinkos]

PInkos, I'm so sorry that this happened. There is an unfairness to it that hits the core, meaning safety and survival issues. Our home should be our place of refuge. I would feel exactly the same way as you and I think anger is a valid response. It makes me mad just reading about it bc I've met one too many landlords that seem to lack conscience and care about profit alone over people. It's hard to reconcile we live in a world like that.

I also agree with you that it would bring up old wounds bc a landlord really does "feel" like a parental figure. They have all the power after all and when you grew  up your home was not safe, and now, this sense of not being safe is right there again. I think it's great that you stood up for yourself and you should pat yourself on the back for that. I think seeking legal counsel about was wise self-care as well. Well done.

Keep evaluating how you feel and giving yourself a lot of tender loving care. I would also advise keeping your options open. If you find another place in that location, even if it's a bit more $$, perhaps it's worth it to find a home where you really feel comfy and safe?

A bit late in responding but I wanted to thank you for this comment, Hepatica! I read it at the time but I was feeling drained from being in that hyper-aroused state and didn't have the energy to respond. But your comment was very validating. I have "come down" from that state now and I've been sort of doing a post-mortem. And I think your comment hit on the crux of it - the unfairness of life and the fact that some (maybe most, honestly it feels like most on most days) people's agendas are purely self-interested and that's frightening. I think it immediately puts me in a flashback state and I feel small and helpless. I really hate feeling that way. There's also this feeling of shame. Like, I didn't do enough, wasn't assertive enough, I was self-abandoning, etc and that I deserve this position I'm in. The shame now comes in the same self-healing language that I use to empower myself - about being assertive, having boundaries etc. It's hard to be tender with myself in these moments; it's great to have communities like this to remind me that I need to be nice to myself. That it's not up to me to right all the unfairness that I'm subjected to nor do I have the power to do so.  And it's not a personal failure if I can't cure every wrong that I encounter. I can't live my life fighting every battle like my life depended on it.