Its That Time Of Year For Holiday Madness

[Kat54]

Its already starting the craziness with my ex and holiday's. I'm not sure what went down with him and my kids but they were supposed to have dinner with me for Sunday and help decorate my Christmas tree...that did not happen. Of course not when everything has to center around him.  My ex put the responsibility on my son to go out and get them a Christmas tree.  If my son did go out and get that tree, he would of then been criticized about not getting the right tree or its too short or too big. Well my son did not go get the tree because he was busy at work, working for his fathers business as the only employee.  That's what my son told me he just couldn't get around that day to getting the tree so a big argument ensued with is father.  You really want to send a 25 year old to go buy a Christmas tree??

I had texted my son Friday about dinner because again I never hear from him. Its been an ongoing thing with him and I, he never answers the phone and rarely responds to text messages from me. So unfortunately being bad timing I texted him and said he was rude for continually ignoring his mother. He starts texting me freaking out, dad is yelling at him about a stupid tree, now I am also. This is all through texting, not the best way to communicate.  So I felt terrible of course as I don't know what goes on, I'm not there....but I can imagine which made me feel worse. His father is needy and manipulative and I know puts a ton of pressure on his son with the business.  We ended fine, but I said we need to have a telephone conversation and clear the air better. So maybe tonight as I said if he wants to talk because I want him to know and he does know, I'm the stable parent and I don't have freak outs and yell at him every waking hour of his day like his father does and my home is quiet and peaceful, no drama.  And he did say he probably couldn't do dinner.

My daughter that day called me as they were supposed to come for dinner later, and says she was going with my ex to get the tree; my son and ex still argued so son stormed out of the house, as my daughter told me.  She asked maybe we could do dinner the next weekend and decorate the tree then.  So I said, why doesn't she just come up alone without her brother, but she hesitantly said could they come next weekend. So I know she felt pressure to stay behind and help my ex with the tree and decorate it with him.  I was hugely disappointed, but I had to understand and tell her its OK, next time as I usually have to do.  I've been getting my tree alone for 3 years now and decorating it by myself and that's OK because they are so manipulated by their father and his craziness.

How can I turn this around, always being put aside by my kids without making them feel bad or guilty. Putting a guilt trip on them is stupid of course and I know in time that they will eventually see through him and what he does. 

[Fae Greenwood]

Was setting up the tree always a stress point for your ex? The fight in the tree lot, the fight to get it home, then the fight to set it up in the stand while my husband screamed at his increasingly-mute family. My uNPDh used to fuss over the process because he could then stomp out when he liked and come back to a magically decorated house which he then took credit for as he got the tree in the stand. Did your ex do some version of that?  "Gosh kids, your dad always did stress so much about the tree. I guess some things will never change." And of course your ex did this when he knew you were setting up your tree so he got even more supply from them this year. "Too bad Dad's fussing made your day more stressful."

But I have to point out that at 25, your son is a full adult. If he says he is coming over for a planned event, he needs to show up. The same goes for your daughter. You have to set boundaries with your adult children. Their father's bad behavior is not an excuse for them behaving badly to you. Boundaries may not have been effective with your PD ex but they are necessary with your kids if you are to have a peaceful relationship with them. "This isn't about your dad, this is about how you made plans with me and then cancelled them arbitrarily. It's rude. You aren't a child anymore, you're an adult and I expect adult behavior from you." Yes they're deep in the FOG but that isn't your responsibility. And of course always end the conversation with a positive note. " I love you and I'm glad you're my son/daughter. I look forward to seeing you again soon."

[Kat54]

Thanks Fae Greenwood- All holidays are a stress point for my ex. He has the idea that everything must be perfect, and because of his behavior and then anger it would usually blow up. As far as my son committing to the dinner, he never did commit as he never answered me until he said he probably wouldn't come. Both kids have a hard time committing to an event with me; I think mostly because their father has to come first.  Yes for sure there needs to be boundaries, which I have to work on and they need to start acting like adults. If they say they are coming they need to come. I unfortunately am so used to this type of behavior from my family and need to work on getting what I need from my kids, and not settling.

[Kat54]

I had a good conversation with my son last night...he called me!  He understood and said he would try to be better with returning my calls. I told him he's an adult and he needs to start acting more adult like. He agreed and apologized for ghosting me all the time.

Then he proceeds to tell me and I had to laugh, they still don't have a tree and he's going this morning to get one. I said to him why doesn't your father just go out and get the darn tree himself? I know that answer already, he can't go alone and its his way of manipulating.  But my son said he didn't know why. My daughter the day they were supposed to go get the tree, on the Sunday our dinner was cancelled, she bailed on going with him also to buy a Christmas tree and went somewhere with her friend instead. She probably got mad at him also.  You can't make this stuff up.

[Stepping lightly]

The kids could get their dad a fake tree for Christmas, eliminate future tree drama.  Just kidding, I know the problems that would also cause, but the idea make me chuckle :-)

[oak_tree]

Maybe this goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway. Thanks for the posts, people. It's so reassuring (and, of course, sad) to see that other people are going through very similar situations.

[Free2Bme]

    hi oak tree, glad you are here!

Kat54~  this sounds like a page out of my life.  My take on this is that your updxh is in a state of ego injury and uses your adult children to orbit around him so he can 1) feel in control and 2) enjoy hurting you.  When he doesn't get what he wants like 'help' with the Christmas tree, he makes them pay. 

I have been through so much of this with my updxh;  brainwashed our DS15 (3 years ago), got him to move 400 miles away from me, trashed me, and alienated DS.  DS was so angry at me, took it all out on me, defended his (victim) F and ghosted me at times for months.  It was so very painful, many tears, I thought I lost DS forever.  DS is now 18, and things are very different.  He's starting to see/admit to some of dads disfunction, but still defends F on some things (updxh plays on his sympathy).

I understand the precarious place you are in.  IMO, in a 'normal' situation I could see having the "Your an adult now" talk.  But in this case, your kid's are under pressure from him and aren't yet to the point where they want to set boundaries with dad. 

The way I approached it was ;  Zero guilt. Zero pressure. Zero expectations (other than common courtesies in my home, of course).  If they bombed on our plans, I said "ok, maybe next time" (although I wanted to cry or get mad, I kept a cool exterior and I didn't disparage their dad). 

When DS15 (or one of my other 3 kids) complains "dad said/did xyz",  I say "yes, that's what your dad does", or "what do you think about that?", or "you chose to go over to your dad's". 
I tried to take myself out of the equation as much as possible while making it safe and comfortable for DS to talk to me.  This was all that I had control over, I just had to wait to see how things would shake out. 

If I were you, I would continue to regularly invite DS & DD over, but keep expectations low.  Plan to have other guests over as well and if DS/DD cancels, it's just, "ok....miss you, maybe another time".  Your exH will see this as war and up the anti but stay the course, don't let it get under your skin. Over time, the pattern will reveal ; at Kat54's home, things are chill, fun, no guilt/drama.  Conversely, dad always delivers yucky tension/guilt/manipulation.....hmmmm... where do we want to visit?

Keep your focus on the future and model healthy behavior while giving them total freedom to decide.  It's tough, but you will be the one they trust.  You have come so far, you got this!

* As an encouragement~  my DS18 drove all the way home (6 hours) to see me and his sisters for a short visit.  He left today  , but it was a wonderful visit and I'm thanking God for the closeness/love/affection we have now.  I would have been skeptical about this reality if someone had asked me this a couple years ago.  Hang in there.