being opposite of PD parent

[Jolie40]

growing up, I never wanted to be similar in anyway to PD parent
so I knew would never hit, scream, call names, or scapegoat my child & have stuck to that

however, find that I also do opposite of so many other things PD parent did such as:

1) they made us sit in front row at church which made me feel on display in best clothes
    husband, child, & I sit in the last row & often wear jeans to church
2) PD parent was afraid to ride in elevator
     I've been to top of Empire State Bldg
3)  PD parent afraid to fly & never did
     we've flown to many states & out of country
4) PD parent practically lived @ Dr, going for any & every ailment
     haven't been to Dr for years as trust my body to heal itself; I would never run to Dr for every little thing

have any of you found that you try to do opposite of PD parent, too?
so you won't be anything like them?

[Amadahy]

Yes!  I first learned this had a name in a Family Systems course.  It's called Differentiation and yes, yes, yes!  I was determined, like you, to parent just the opposite of my parents by listening to my children and treating them with love and respect and that's pretty much panned out, thank goodness.

The things that my Nmom was fixated on were things I especially wanted to do differently!  These ranged from childbirth views and experiences  (insofar as one can determine some of that -- but I got tired of hearing how horrid hers was with me) to a change of religion to, like you, being responsible for my own health.  Even small things, like I hate to talk on the phone and she lived on the phone or I cook differently from her have come to feel good to me because I can choose to be different from her.  There is something freeing about choosing our own path after being confined to a restricted one and I'm eternally thankful for the opportunities.

[Jolie40]

It's called Differentiation

cool....trying to be the opposite has it's own name

same here- 
freeing not going to parent's church & choosing our own

another difference- PD parent disliked being outside
we had one of child's b'day parties at a park & they refused to attend

we've spent many weekends @playgrounds & parks
can't imagine not enjoying being outside

[IRedW77]

I do the same thing, but I'm learning to be more careful about it. It's ok and often productive to deliberately do the opposite of what your PD parent did, but you still need to really think things through.

I suggest that you make your decisions just like you'd make any other decisions in life—weigh up the pros and cons. Feel free to add "it's the exact opposite of what my PD parent would do" on the pro list—even add more weight to it than any other factor. It's just really easy to fall into the trap of making the opposite decision just because it's the opposite decision. There are two reasons that this is potentially dangerous—even though it feels so right.

1. You're still letting your PD parent control you in a way. If they chose to go up then you have to go down—they still chose the direction for you.
2. You can end up making decisions that are actually bad for you just because you're avoiding doing what your PD parent would do, or would force you to do.

I learned this the hard way.

Your comment on not going to the doctor is a big red flag for me.

My PD parent dragged me to every doctor and therapist in the world. They decided that everything that was wrong with them was wrong with me. When I got old enough to be able to distance myself I vowed never to go to a therapist again. I also decided that anything that I got diagnosed with THEY got me diagnosed with, so it was wrong and didn't apply to me. Those were both big mistakes. They made sense to me and felt right, but I was just hurting myself more (and it was still because of them).

After 20 years I did finally go back to a therapist. I learned two big things that I could have learned 20 years ago.

1. One of those childhood diagnoses was actually valid. I suffered with something for 20 years that I could have gotten a lot of help with.
2. When I started talking about my PD parent with the therapist he said it sounded like they had PD. That's been a total revelation and I'm here now. I probably never would have learned that otherwise.


So please, think about your decisions with the doctor carefully. You can still go without abusing it like your PD parent did.

[Jolie40]

thanks for your insight IRed

husband has suggested I find a Dr
last yr, did try to find a GP but many Drs here aren't taking new pts & gave up after 2 rejections



don't think that I purposely "do opposite" of PD parent Anymore although there was a time that I did

I'm much more willing to try new things & go outside my comfort zone which already makes me different than PD parent