Best case scenario

[Call Me Cordelia]

I wrote something on this board mentioning in passing that my uNF is still lurking out there, hating me, just waiting to get his revenge.

Maybe that's not true. Maybe he's written me off entirely. Maybe really I am dead to him. Maybe he'll go to his grave not giving me and his grandchildren so much as a thought. And maybe I'll never have to confront him again.

And the thing that I've fought desperately against through my whole childhood and part of adulthood, the truth that my family of origin has zero love and interest for me, that is now my best case scenario.

[blues_cruise]

It's hard to know for sure what's going on in their heads and I think you can run yourself around in circles trying to understand their dysfunctional reasoning and motives. Us humans don't do very well with uncertainty and mentally it can put us in a very vulnerable position.

I think the fear of not being loved is the biggest pain you can possibly feel, because healthy parents love their children unconditionally and the reality of not having that really hurts. The thing to always remember though, truth or not, is that you have always been deserving of unconditional love. It's their dysfunction and abnormality, not yours.  

[DistanceNotDefense]

I wrote something on this board mentioning in passing that my uNF is still lurking out there, hating me, just waiting to get his revenge.

Maybe that's not true. Maybe he's written me off entirely. Maybe really I am dead to him. Maybe he'll go to his grave not giving me and his grandchildren so much as a thought. And maybe I'll never have to confront him again.

And the thing that I've fought desperately against through my whole childhood and part of adulthood, the truth that my family of origin has zero love and interest for me, that is now my best case scenario.

I really relate. I don't know what my M is thinking right now amid NC. All I know is that wanting space would probably be hung over my head forever if I was back in her/FOO company. But a lot of other stuff was too before NC. She is so stubborn I doubt she'll try to reach out.

It's sad to feel the easier vision is never seeing or dealing with them again. The healthiest thing is to give up hope.

[Boat Babe]

Hi Cordelia. Your inner child is really hurting right now, as well as the amazingly wise, strong and compassionate woman. We feel you and we are here for you. Remember that you have overcome so much already and that you have, to quote Marissa Peer, phenomenal coping skills! Can you take a little time to yourself for the next few days and do some self compassion meditation. I find it works for me. Sending hugs 🤗

[Stardust1982]

@Call me Cordelia

I know the feeling. 'Maybe they're out there thinking of me and hating me..' This was my thought during NC (at the beginning ti was torturing me).
Since I've moved back with FOO (for now) I realized that my BPD mother ALWAYS thinks badly about us, kids and hating us. I have actually overheard a discussion between her and my unhealthy brother where they just spewed their unhealthy opinions of me. My mother is actually talking trash about me whenever, even while I'm at home, even when I've come back and have given her a lot of narcissistic supply.
However, I realized that she is doing this with EVERY single person in the family (my father being her worst enemy btw)-she gossips about all of them and tries to find the worst mistakes that they've done or other negative things about them.

Then, I realized, if she is talking about me now, I am sure she talked even MORE trash about me in NC too. So what is actually the difference between contact, Low contact and No contact? Because no matter what type of contact I'll have with her, she'll still be doing her smear campaigns about me when I do something she doesn't like. So, isn't NC better then?

I've read that PDs are not logical people-they're only emotional. So, during the day, for example, the person whom they consider 'loved one'-being their narcissistic supply or a relative, will go between being a loved one and an enemy. PDs are very afraid of people because they think everyone hates them (since they're so unlovable, in their opinion) so, they end up hating you for a while and then loving you when they realize they actually need you.

This definition of a PD's inner working makes a lot of sense to me. I've felt all my life that my mother hates me (you can feel it through her behavior, the way she talks, and through her gestures) but I couldn't accept that. So I had to live with the illusion that she loves me because she's my mother and all mothers love their children. However, after learning about Borderlines and NPDs, I see that they actually hate their adult children-in a way, they hate them because they don't trust them to be by their side until they die and take care of them throughout their life, in another way, they tolerate them because they are dependant on getting the narcissistic supply from them.

My mother is the perfect definition of this unhealthy, fleeting, emotional behavior (hate/(toxic)love).

So, I do understand you in that way. It is harsh to process the fact that our parents hate us (because they hate themselves in general and not because of us), and especially that they go around painting us in bad colors while we're separated from them. But I found that associating myself with normal, loving individuals and focusing on something else I have going in my life will help take the focus off these individuals.

Wish you well.