Christmas drama

[Bunnyme]

My stbxuNBPDh is living in a halfway house.  He has gone to rehab 3x this year.  He says he was diagnosed with Covid and had to stay away.  He asked late last night if he could facetime in during all of the present opening or if he should call later.  I said after breakfast would be good.  I know he is mad.  He responded with a nasty tone and said it didnt matter then and would just call tonight.  I do feel badly that he isnt part of Christmas morning.  I include him in anything that is just kid related.  I have invited him over to celebrate our son's soccer victory.  I make sure they have a chance to talk to him.  No, I didnt want to spend my Christmas holding up the phone for him and hearing his voice...watching as they opened all of the gifts that he had nothing to do with.  It is also my first Christmas since our separation nearly a year ago, and he has been so difficult through it all.  He will have Christmas with them on Sunday, and I dont expect to be included. 
Maybe that makes me the bad guy.  IDK.  I did try to facetime after they were nearly done but had a few left to open.  He didn't answer.  A couple of hours later, he video called, but the kids were very uninterested.  They even just tossed the phone down at one point and went back to playing.  I told them not to be rude and to talk.  Im sure he blames me, but he has disappointed them so many times this year. So many canceled visitations.  They also just arent that into video chats at 3 and 6. 
Like I said, maybe im to blame for this one.  Navigating this whole thing, being accommodating, always trying to be the bigger person...I just hit my breaking point.  It is so hard to maintain boundaries and walk the line of being inclusive for the sake of the kids.

[Medowynd]

You are not to blame for refusing to cater to the ex.  He has created his problems and now he is living with the consequences.  My ex was a master manipulator, always the victim, always the guy that they done him wrong.  Once I stopped putting up with his garbage, suddenly the mask dropped and his true PD personality shown brightly.

[Stillirise]

Bunnyme,
You offered him a compromise of a video call, at your convenience, which was still more than you had to do.  IME, whatever you offer won't be enough, so do what feels comfortable for you, and ignore the reaction.  Especially when the children aren't asking for you to accommodate him.   I'm not perfect at this either.  This is our kids' first Christmas with us living apart.  It's hard, I understand!  Stbx asked if he could stop by for a short visit yesterday. I agreed.  He said he would arrive around noon, and visit for a few minutes. He showed up after 2, and overstayed his welcome.  He was obviously hoping I would invite him to stay for the Christmas Eve meal I was preparing.  I didn't take the bait for that, and am now wishing I hadn't said yes to the visit at all!  We live and learn, I suppose! Hang in there! Best wishes, and Merry Christmas!

[GettingOOTF]

The only person responsible for his being where he is is himself. You have given him more opportunities to be a husband and a father than many others would. He has chosen time and time again not to be part of the family through his drinking, gambling and other life choices.

You cannot manage his relationship with his children. Only he can. You offered him options and he chose not to take any of them.

What he is experiencing now are consequences of his own actions. We all hate consequence, but we can't avoid them. Consequences for addicts, PDs, cheaters etc. tend to appear harsher as they are proportional to the behaviors.

You are giving your kids a safe, drama free life. That is what is important here, and what they will thank you for later.

[Bunnyme]

Thank you.  I always feel guilty for things...not just in this situation.  I am a people pleaser to the max, and it is so hard to let go of that.  I appreciate your responses.
I know that he is supposed to leave the place he is in tomorrow,and I'm planning to take the kids to my in-laws on Sunday.  I just realized that he never actually made plans to see them.  I asked where he is going (partly self serving, as he needs to be served with papers).  He mentioned going for another covid test (still highly doubting he has it), then a different halfway house.  Said he got a new job today (Christmas day).  Also doubtful.  He didnt ask about the kids or when he can see them.  I just assumed he will be at my in-laws, but I dont even know.  Oh, well.  I feel terrible for the hurt it causes the kids, but you are right.  I cant manage their relationship or try to fix it all the time like I did before. 

[GettingOOTF]

Only you know what is best for your kids. I don’t have kids but I did grow up with an alcoholic parent. In the long run it may be best not to force a relationship between him and the kids. Even as a very young child it was clear that the alcohol was the first choice over being a parent to me. Hearing how that parent loved and cared about me when their actions were the opposite was confusing to me as a child and it taught me to doubt my own feelings and reality throughout my life. I’m sure it’s different for everyone but I believe very strongly that my life would have been much better with out the alcoholic parent in it.