I annoy myself

[Associate of Daniel]

Occasionally I have dreamed of my uNPD exH.

In each of the dreams he is apologising for his pdness.

And in each of them I respond with "It's ok." And we move on to have a calm and rational, small talk conversation.

There's no discussion of the reality.  There's nothing of me telling him it's not ok.

I wake up so annoyed at myself.

AOD

[Lookin 2 B Free]

AOD,  Perhaps you never had the opportunity to say any of those things to him in your waking life.   I didn't with mine.  Or I guess I did but it just wasn't advisable with a pwPD. 

I'm working through a recovery workbook and am getting ready to put this kind of stuff together in writing and share with my workbook partner to try to get more closure.

P.S.  Whenever I have dreams of my PDx, which is often, we're wonderfully happy together.  I guess it takes the "lizard brain" some time to catch up?

[notrightinthehead]

I found it a liberating and peaceful experience when I realized I did not feel angry with xNPDh anymore. That after two years of feeling furious and many sleepless nights spent with only grief and rage, I prayed that I would be able to let this anger go. Eventually I could and I feel so much better for it. My situation is different to yours, I no longer have any dealings with him, while you need to keep your walls up because of the regular contact you have with him through your kids.  But maybe deep down inside you started to forgive him and  free yourself from him to the extend that it just does not matter for you anymore that he is how he is, because you have emotionally liberated yourself from his grip.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks.

99% of the time I don't feel or think anything about him, really.  My response to his behaviour is usually just an eyeroll and then move on.  Unless it's an ongoing issue that needs to be "resolved".

I'm wondering if my dreams are more indicative of the fear that I will carry my placid response of "it's ok" into another relationship.

I've always given the benefit of the doubt, always complied etc..  I don't want to continue my usual stance of not sticking up for myself.

I'm getting better at saying no in other (familial/work/friend) relationships.  But I don't know if I would with a partner.

I think I'm just tired of this aspect of my personality.

AOD

[athene1399]

AoD,

I could be completely wrong, but maybe it's like a wish. You wish he would take responsibility and apologize or maybe you wish you could have a normal conversation, even if it is just small talk, where you don't have to keep your guard up.

I also think it's important that you have recognized the passiveness and how you want to make sure you confront that behavior in the future. I think it's great too that you are working on saying no. That has helped me so much and was so hard to do at first. I think the more you work at it, the easier it is and the less guilt you feel over prioritizing your needs IMO.

[Associate of Daniel]

I'd say both.  I wish he'd take responsibility for his behaviour, and I wish we could have a normal, healthy conversation, smalltalk or otherwise.

Trouble is, I don't trust him. So even if the above happened I wouldn't believe him.

I long to be able to be myself in his and his uNPD wife's presence.  In order to protect myself when I'm with them I become someone I'm not.  And it's someone I don't like.

I don't do that with anyone else in my life.  Just them.

AOD