Small victory and thank you

[Matteblak]

Thank you to those who've replied to my other thread and offered advice on what to do and not to do. Also thank you for the toolbox!!! I just got done with my 50 minute lecture on everything wrong with me, and how I was failing her as a husband, and that she should not be expected to change any of her behavior until I am doing exactly what she wants in every situation...
I said nothing, no emotion, I had JADE in my head the whole time. She kept talking until she was done, then she offered one last criticism and walked off.
No arguing, no yelling, I don't feel completely tired or frazzled...it was amazing. I know it's a long road, but you guys have officially saved me one fight. Thank you.

[SparkStillLit]

Nice, huh. You can get away from those, too. You don't have to waste an hour of your life. "This sounds very frustrating for you. I need to go switch out my laundry/ go pee/ check on the dinner/ fix that leaking faucet/ now" exit buh bye.
I mean, you can come up with something smoother and more appropriate to your situation, but the pattern is "validating statement/exit strategy". You can do "validate/validate/exit" whatever, just get gone.
Validation is NOT agreeing with them. It's finding some kernel of truth.. they're frustrated, right?.. validating that, and move on. They will be a bottomless pit of needing validation, so this is not a fix it strategy. It's an exit for you, and a tool to help YOU get out from under that behavior.
This works for me because I am incredibly "wimpy" and non confrontational. This is used against me by blowing up at the least sign of blowback from me. Since the obvious "door" is nailed shut, ha ha, I crawled out the "window". I have done a couple more confrontational things with the help of therapy, in some areas that weren't as scary for me, and WOW THE OUTRAGE. Or should I say rage-out.
If you're gutsier than me, you can say "I don't want to be spoken to like that" and walk out of the room or even leave the house. Me, I'd NEVER.

[Matteblak]

Another odd victory. After being completely non-responsive during my lecture (that's what I'm call them...I'm apparently a child in need of parenting) she told me to get out of her face. She actually told me to to the thing I wanted to do! I'm sure there will be something on the back side, but another hour of my life rescued. Thank you all for your encouraging posts and for sharing your stories. I am standing on the shoulders of giants here. You have paved the way for many of us new people.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome, Matteblak.  I'm glad you're having some successes!

That's so funny, Spark.  "I don't want to be spoken to like that" is the exact phrase I finally began telling my PDx in the last year or so before the breakup.  It would usually be after I'd been trapped with him somewhere  (like a long car trip with him behind the wheel) and had to listen to his tirade quietly lest I upset him worse and we end up in an accident. 

To me that remark is not very inflammatory.  If anyone said it to me, I'd stop and consider how I'd been speaking and whether I owed the person an apology.  Or at least be curious about what had offended them.

But to a tin god?  The NERVE of me.  Also, it was a pretty effective way of stopping his onslaught in its tracks -- which was all the more enraging.  He never forgave me for that.  Of course, in the long run, he never forgave me for the thousands of other imagined transgressions - many of which couldn't possibly have even happened.   

It's so strange.  At times he'd misunderstand something and be upset until he got more info and realized that it hadn't happened that way at all.  It was totally a misunderstanding.  All cleared up . . . everyone happy.   But somehow he'd still have the original, mistaken story stored in his mind and fling it out the next time he was angry.  It's sometimes jaw dropping how the disordered thinking plays out.

[Lauren17]

Congrats! Remember the feeling of this victory and use it to bolster you through next time.
Also, know that as you begin to respond instead of react to her, she will adjust her approach.
I don't need validate/exit with H very much as he rarely talks to me. But I use it often at work. I like, "You seem to feel very strongly about this. However, We were talking about the weather"

[Stillirise]

Welcome! Great work, so far! I learned basically everything about how to interact with my stbxUPDh from this site.  My go-to for medium chill and exit became a little more firm after some practice. I would calmly say something like, "I'm not going to accept being spoken to in that way.  I'm going to walk away from you if it continues."  Then, if it continued (always), I would immediately walk away. If he followed, I would repeat myself, and keep moving, to the point of loading the kids in the car and driving away.

This obviously didn't "fix" anything, as we are currently in the middle of a dumpster fire of a divorce.  However, I feel good about the fact that I avoided further outbursts in my face, and in front of the kids.  I believe I demonstrated to them how to place and enforce boundaries, even though I truly wish I'd never had to do so. 

It takes practice, and for me, patience I didn't know I had.  Also, I know I've had my share of slip-ups, where I would JADE, or offer supply in some way.  I have learned not to fret about it so much when that happens.  I remind myself of the 3 C's, and try again next time.

Best wishes to you!

[Matteblak]

Let's call my confidence an "oopsie." Yes it was a victory but she changed tactics VERY quickly. Got my lecture this morning; JADE is still my enemy within me. It is so odd that it NEVER works and yet it is the thing that you do with normal humans so it is so ingrained in me. I don't know another language, but I'm wondering if learning one will get me in the mindset of thinking before I speak...Trying to stay positive through it all, though there is no possibility of change, minimizing the damage is a helpful initial goal.

[Stillirise]

It's all part of the learning process.  You recognized the lane change, and the JADE.  That's progress from a few weeks ago, right? 

Once I was finally able to detach, and treat my responses like I was talking to my Alexa or Siri, it also became a little easier for me.  A PD usually has predictable patterns, even if they change tactics.  I actually practiced saying out loud some of my rote medium chill responses, just like I had to learn how to ask my Alexa in a very specific way, for certain specific actions. 

[SparkStillLit]

Omg lol ME TOO. I practiced out loud in the car. Yes, even when they switch up, you'll likely find the script is fairly set.
You ARE doing well. JADE is a programmed response, you just need to replace it, now you know about it. It's not a super QUICK fix, but you CAN. Fix for you, I mean. Better skill.  Then when you're not, you know, *fraught*, you'll be in a better decision making frame.
Probably she knows a lot of buttons to push right now, so when one doesn't work all of a sudden, she will just hammer on another. Expect it. Think back over your to-do's, they probably have had a few themes. Or she has had several pat threats, or grievances. Create some MC's around those, and practice them live.
At least with the PD I live with, the switch ups generally revolved around these items. Like just for example, he looooved to threaten divorce. I finally got so sick of it, I said "ok. You present me with the papers and I'll sign". He fumed over that "why do I have to do all the work" and I said "It's your big idea. You present me with papers...." and that's all I'd ever say. He briefly tried to really crank the wrench on that topic, but I wouldn't say anything else, and he finally dropped it, never to mention it again.
There was one with the house that he ground on for a while, but at some point I realized I could buy him out, and I told him so. That shocked the SHIT out of him, and I NEVER heard ONE MORE THING on that one.
I guess his strategy is to find topics that upset me, then harp on them and try to make out like there's no other solution, and to take nasty jabs at me in the process.
I have recently figured out his "tells" that he's getting started, and I've been able to cut him off at the pass with a validate/get the hell out of there. This means we don't have a lot of "conversation". Pretty much just mission critical. In other streams you can see what "conversation" is like. I get a two sentence max. MAYBE. Text/email is my friend.

[Lauren17]

I practiced responses too! I actually have a list of sentence outlines that I refer to.
That's one of the things that I struggle with the most. I'm an unfailingly honest person and it hard for me not to just blurt out what I'm thinking/feeling. So I  have trouble coming up with how to state these boundaries. Very few of the books I read actually have suggestions for how to word a response. Out of the FOG has been a wonderful resource for that.

[SparkStillLit]

This is amazing. My T and I come up with phrases and outlines that work in my situation, and I write them down and keep them in my purse.
Nobody fools with my purse, for some odd reason. Maybe because tampons will spring out at you if you dig in there at all? Idk...they don't *bite*....