Two faced

[Justme729]

I don't know if this struggle will ever get easier, but ya know.

I am so tired of this woman talking the talk, but not walking the walk.   She posts memes about forgiveness, not tolerating destructive behavior, and so forth. 

So here's what gets me:
-  "there comes a time to stop making things right with people who won't own their part of what went wrong."
- "don't mention a persons past mistakes when they are trying to change.   It's like throwing rocks at them while climbing a mountain."   
- ".... I realize that forgiveness is not about accepting or excusing their behavior.  It's about letting it go and prevent their behavior from destroying my heart."

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You post all this stuff, yet when someone acts on the "prevent their behavior from destroying my heart" she suddenly becomes the victim.   She constantly says we just need to forgive and that the "stuff" never happened.   How do when then protect ourselves?  I'm changing by implementing boundaries.  So are my siblings.   *YOU* keep throw the rocks at us while we try to find forgiveness in our soul and move forward with life.  If you can't own what went wrong, we are at a standstill.   It isn't worth fixing anymore.   I'm so sick of the hypocritical bull you know what.   No matter what she is the victim.   We are just pawns and not worthy to feel the way we do or act on our feelings to protect ourselves.   I'm done.   I tolerate her because she is my grandma's gatekeeper.   I just don't know how much more I can take.   

I feel like I have forgiven in the sense that the past isn't defining me, I'm working with a therapist, I'm working towards not letting the past hold the power over me today in my chosen life.   Forgiveness doesn't mean forget, it means letting go over the power that situation has over you.   Setting boundaries and protecting yourself. 

I know she'll never get it.  More and more people are calling her out, directly or indirectly.  She flips out everytime someone sets a boundary and they are the bad guy.  I am often amazed though because even though I have limited contact with her to keep a relationship with my grandma, she thinks Ive totally excused and forgiven her.  Am I that good with my boundaries that she doesn't realize they exist?  Or am I just being optimistic.?

[BestLife08]

Hi Justme729,

In my experience, you are being optimistic, which is often in our nature as the 'givers'.  NPDs rarely if ever change, and usually get worse with time.  They play the game to reel their supply back in only to repeat the cycle indefinitely, which means forever or until NC or discard. 

I'm very familiar with the gatekeeper arrangement - my father was this between my mom and I.  It's horrible to experience, and such an evil and immature tactic used by the Ns, but they will do anything to 'win'. After my mom passed, 'dad' acted as though we'd be best buds after 50 years of abuse. It's crazy making stuff.

I with you the best of luck with the situation and hope you're able to find a way around the gate so you can keep contact with your grandmother.