Christmas is just a day like any other day

[SunnyMeadow]

Christmas has been tainted and ruined by my uNPD mother. For years, she would snivel and waif while sitting on the couch because the grandkids were more interested in their gifts than her! Really and truly, because they would give the gifts their full attention.. she would feel left out.  Then she'd pout, have an angry sour face then the next day write me an email about it. She'd do this for Thanksgiving too. Why didn't I tell her to go to hell??!  Always the good girl I guess.

She always says, "this is such a hard time of the year for me". I always reply, yes it is. She longs for certain people around the holidays but did nothing to change what was happening. But it gave her a good story why the holidays are so difficult, for her!

I loved making the day and days leading up to Christmas special for my children. Then she would come over and put a damper on things. I wish I was stronger back then and would have changed the way we handled that morning. She has taken up so much space in my head and in my life that it's ridiculous to think about it. The problem is, she still does. I guess it's a habit in me and a habit I am very slowly breaking.

Christmas used to be happy, light and special but now I want it to be over quickly. It's sad that she ruined it. PD people have a knack for doing this around any special day.

Anyone else feel this way? Were you able to change how you felt or how you dealt with it?

[Adria]

SunnyMeadow,

The dysfunction in my family has also ruined holidays for me. I try my best to skate around Christmas, my birthday and every other holiday because they make me feel like I am drowning.  I would much rather spend the day at the beach or work an extra shift pretending it's any other day but Christmas, my birthday, Thanksgiving etc.  It's sad because my daughter can't understand it, and I can't really explain it. It is what it is.  Holidays cause me way too much stress and anxiety because of my younger years, so for me it is much easier to avoid them.  This Christmas, I'm lucky. I have the excuse that we are moving and I have to pack over Christmas. Much easier to escape than to participate.  Wish it were different but it's not.

[practical]

It is really hard to shut up that innerhalb voice and stash those memories away. Maybe make some time to sit with them before the holiday. Journal to express your pain and hopefully then move on to the holidays a little less burdened?

Any chance of creating new traditions? Do gifts on the 24th? Have a potluck on the 25th or go out for Chinese food? Be creative, do things you like and are yours. Look at what traditions other countries have for example and pick what you like. Put a giant, grining Santa on the couch where your M used to sit or something that makes you laugh and chase those spirits away. Working like Adria is one way to get around the holidays, and I get it, maybe there is a more fun and family way? I don't know how old your kids are, whether they could be part of this Christmas reinvented adventure.

Wishing you "A Peaceful Holiday!" - and to everybody else who feels the PD memories and stress.

[practical]

Have a potluck on the 25th or go out for Chinese food?

I obviously meant "order in Chinese food"  and while you are at it order some extra Fortune cookies, so you can read about your bright and cheerful future 

[Amadahy]

Yes, Sunnymeadow, the holidays bring more than a little melancholy and sadness.  For the longest time, I convinced myself they were great -- and they were because I worked my a$$ off to make them that way.  When I finally faced some very hard truths about Nmom and evicted her from my house (!), all the air went out of my holiday balloon.  Fortunately, my kiddos are grown/nearly grown and got to enjoy a more magical time when they were little.  We still have a tree and a meal and give gifts, but I am putting on a happy face for them.  I'm not despondent, but just a very subdued sad, inwardly.  When we're empty nesters, I expect I'll do very little in the way of outward things, just a cuddle with DH and pizza or some other not-traditional meal.  When we're not COVID-ing, I like to help out our local programs for homeless people, too, esp around holidays.  Lack of goodwill and poverty of material goods are so magnified this time of year. 

[SunnyMeadow]

Thanks to all for your good ideas and comments! It's tough to reflect on all the holidays that have been ruined by my PDm. I'm sorry all of you can relate too.

The good news is this year, no PDmother at the holidays!!  She'll still be in my head and I'm sure I'm going to hear how sad and miserable she is before and after but she won't be there! 

[Jolie40]

 agree with practical to create traditions

once we became parents, we began our own traditions independent of PD parent & FOO

first year of parenthood we went away for Christmas & then exchanged gifts with FOO after we returned
liked so much having Christmas be special for husband, child, and I that we planned for husband to take Dec. vacation from then on

used to find Christmas time very stressful & but now I look forward to this time of year
once we became parents, I felt priority was to our child & not FOO

[practical]

The good news is this year, no PDmother at the holidays!!  She'll still be in my head and I'm sure I'm going to hear how sad and miserable she is before and after but she won't be there! 

When she starts complaining, try to get off the phone. To quote WI "the dog is on fire" and with that wonderful reason get off the phone  . There is no reason why you should have to listen to her complaints. More practical: You "Mother, I just wanted to see how you are doing." M: "I'm so miserable!" You "Sorry to hear it, I hope you make the best out of it. Gotta run (there is somebody at the door; DH is calling; there is a strange dog in our yard...) and then don't take her calls till after the holiday, and call on the 22nd or 23rd so you have time to recover, and maybe actually enjoy the 24th and 25th.

[SunnyMeadow]

I have the "gotta go, the dog's on fire" saying in my head and I'm dying to use it!