My mom put my cat to sleep

[April86]

I'm struggling to find courage to type this. I am currently in a crisis.
I've been dodging my uNPDM and uNPDS attempts at contacting me for most of the year.
The other day my DH and I went out to a concert, hoping to take a break from all our turmoil and family drama. My M calls, she tells me my cat got sick and she and my BIL had to put her to sleep. My cat would have been 20 next April, i have cared for her since she was 1 year old when my sister abandoned her. My dog and cat are staying with my M till we get a better place to live, we can only afford to rent a room rn.

For some reason I tried to push back the pain, tried killing my feelings with alcohol. It turned into a catastrophic meltdown. I am overwrought with grief, guilt, shame, dread. I can't help but feel M is not only trying to snuff out any hope of happiness I have, but that she's actively trying to destroy me. My M and S have never really been violent, but for some reason im so scared. I'm scared because theyre running out of ways to hurt me and I can tell theyre getting desperate. What if my cat wasn't sick? What if this was some ploy for me to run back to my M? I was the only one who cared. Im now afraid my mom will play games and keep me from having my cat's ashes. That's all I want now, that's all I have of her.

These past 2 days when im not crying my mind is racing non stop, I feel my mania resurfacing. I dont know how ill stay 10 steps ahead of them while im drowning in grief. The veil has been lifted so fast my mind doesn't even know how to process the cruel reality, I'm afraid I might break. DH and I just want to pack our things, pick up my dog and leave the county, maybe even leave the state. Go far away from them. But at this very moment we Just cant, and we feel so helpless about everything in our lives right now.

I need someone to tell me its going to be ok.

[Qilin~]

I'm so sorry about your beloved kitty. I'm sorry a difficult situation was made far worse by your family not contacting you in a timely and compassionate way. The loss of a pet is so, so hard even under the best of circumstances, so it is completely understandable that you are struggling.

It is really devastating, but you will be ok. It will be ok.

Do you have some coping strategies that have helped with mania in the past? Is there one small thing you can do right now to soothe yourself? A little thing your DH could do for you?

It is normal to grieve such a loss deeply, so don't be hard on yourself for that. You are obviously a kind and compassionate person to love and care for your kitty for so long, so try to extend some of that compassion to yourself. You have had a shock, so be gentle with yourself.

It will take time, but you will be ok. It will be ok. The love for and from your cat is still here, no one can take that from you.

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

It was beyond cruel for them to just go ahead and put your cat to sleep *without even consulting you, first* - and not allowing you to be there, to say goodbye!   

I want to put your mind at ease about something, though.  I've been a cat mom for over 30 years, and have over 40 years' experience with them - 20 years of age isn't just old, it's positively *ancient* in cat years. 

Your cat was close to the human equivalent of 100, and while I have known one person who was healthy at 100, she didn't stay that way for long, and was dead within six months.

Cats *usually* live to the age of 17 or 18 - but 14 or 15 are considered long-lived cats - and when ours turn 15, I start getting incredibly nervous, knowing what's coming, and it's usually kidney failure, which is what I would suspect in your cat, due to age alone.  It's one of the most common ailments of cats as they age.

If your cat had kidney failure, she probably stopped eating and drinking, which was probably why she was taken to the vet.  Sometimes it's a matter of hydrating the cat, to get them comfortable and eating again (sub-Q fluids).

But sometimes that doesn't work - or works for a short time, and it's clear the cat is suffering, and it's time.

They always let you know, if you listen.

But your mother should have had the *common decency* to tell you what's going on and *ask your permission, as the OWNER* to have your cat PTS - and allowed you to be there, or spend time with her first, and then see her though the passing.   

And for her to play games with the ashes - inexcusable.  I know she hasn't done it yet, but if you think it's possible, you're probably right.

I'd ask ONCE - and if she hems and haws, claims they're not back yet (sometimes it *can* take up to 2 weeks), or tells you she didn't ask for the ashes to be returned, because it cost $100 more - I'd take her at face value and cut my losses.

There's a chance she's lying to you, but the more upset you get, the more she'll think, "Ah-HAH!  I have something she wants!  I can keep stringing April along, to get my supply from her!"

But what I *would* do is make other arrangements for your dog, if at all possible - I'd start asking around, among your circle of friends, and offer to compensate them for food, vet bills and other expenses, with the understanding you WILL be taking the dog back, but you just don't know when. 

I don't think your mom will do anything to your dog, but I don't like that she's holding on to an animal that's clearly important to you, but she may think is nothing more than a pawn.

Believe it or not, it WILL be okay!   

Let yourself grieve your cat, first and foremost - please be assured, she probably was that sick, and there was no hope of any quality of life.  When a cat's life isn't about joy, playing, grooming, eating, dozing in sunbeams and purring contentedly, it's not a life - it's an existence of misery to be *endured.*

If you want, have a small service for her - however you want, whatever you want - there's no right or wrong answer.  Do whatever you feel comfortable with - and say your goodbyes and whatever else you want to say to your cat.

It might help - because I know self-medicating with alcohol doesn't take the pain away.  I've done it myself, trying to stuff down my feelings, instead of just dealing with them openly and honestly.

BTW - I don't drink my pain away, anymore.  I let it OUT.  It's better that way, and kinder to myself.   

The next thing I'd do is make a concrete PLAN.

You're in a room, and you want an apartment or house.  How do you get from where you are now, to your goal?

Is it possible to take on another job?  Contact a temp agency and obtain part-time work through them?  Cut corners on your expenses?  Rely on public transport and get rid of your car?  Sell a few items you're not particularly attached to, but could add to your savings? 

You know your situation best, so you know the best way to get out of it, and what plans you need to implement.   

And as I mentioned before, find a new place for your dog, where YOU feel comfortable the dog won't be used in some kind of warped power-play.

I think once you start doing those things, you'll start feeling better, and things won't seem so damned hopeless.

It will get better - and your mother and BIL won't be able to take things away from you - including happiness - if they have *nothing you want or need.*   

In time, the grief about the ashes won't be as strong - I think the emotion you'll start to feel about the entire situation is ANGER.  How DARE they?  Who the hell do they think they are!?  She was YOUR cat, and somebody should have picked up the damned phone and let you know what was going on!

Anger can be a *wonderful* catalyst for positive change in our lives.   

Use it well, use it wisely, and have the *best* revenge of all - a life full of love, warmth, success and happiness, that doesn't include your mom or BIL.   

You can leave them behind and never even look back in the rear view mirror.   

[April86]

Thank you,
You're right, I did everything in my power to keep my cat happy and comfortable, but that doesn't change the fact that she was very old and her quality of life was changing. The thing is I had discussed this with my M, that within the year I would have a vet come over to the house, so she wouldn't be scared, and we would say good-bye to her together. She was against the whole thing, but I guess that doesn't matter now. At least i helped her live a long life in peace and comfort, even if her last moments weren't. 
I'm hoping if I can get the ashes DH and i will release them at my favorite hiking spot in the mountains. If I don't get them, maybe I'll just go there anyways and scream my lungs out, It's something.
We are saving and hoping that in less than 6 months we can get our own apartment. My dog is the last connection my M has to me.   For now we're trying to hang in there. Things aren't much better at my in laws where we are now so, its hard. We're doing everything we can to survive.

[Orthocone]

I'm sorry your mom did that and I'm sorry about your cat.  Take the time you need to get through this time, and I agree with others, do find other arrangements for your dog.  My uBPDm hated pets for the longest time.  She used two cats she had to bait me each time I tried to go NC with her, and I took them both at differing times.  One who was sick for years, had to be put down last winter and I was devastated.  I still think about her dogs and feel tempted to search the shelter of my hometown for pictures of her two dogs.  Pets are just one more way for them to hurt people I think. 

[Drakus]

It was very sad to read your story, I think you were treated unfairly. You should have been with your cat in his last moments. I recently lost a 15 year old cat and I still can't recover from this loss.

[Hilltop]

I'm so sorry, I lost my cat a couple of years ago and still miss her and grieve for her.  What your mother did wasn't fair, you should have had the opportunity to be there.  Its common for PD's to use pets to hurt us further.  I agree with others who have said you should look into a way to retrieve any other pets she has or rehome them.

You have a plan keep working toward that, 6 months isn't that long, keep focused and work towards getting your own space.