I continue to screw up

[Prototypian]

I don't know why.  I try and try to salvage my kids and my family.    My son doesn't believe I try hard enough, one daughter hates her mother but can't leave for some reason and the other behaves just like her mother.   My wife is severe uOCPD.   Some nights I simply bounce from one to another trying to help each of them.   We live with local elections year round from one fight to the next.   Tonight is year another election in our town after a runoff.    My spouse asked for help with a zoom and I didn't understand that meant she wanted me to set up a zoom through my work account.   I seriously thought she was going to come unglued when I left my work computer at work and couldn't set it up for her and the other election watchers.   First she yelled then sobbed then said "I guess none of this really matters to anyone but me anyway" and my daughter chimed in that this is true.   I'm in a panic over her upcoming spring election for her own role.  The last one landed me in an in patient hospitalization for intense depression and self harm.   

Today a former company I started offered me roughly double my current salary to work on their board and open several manufacturing sites.   My problem is that if I'm not here the kids don't get food, they don't get homework done, they are ignired and dont get to their classes and school stuff on time.   

I told my spouse about the offer and she is thrilled and told me I'm taking it.   My current job works from home and let's me take care of the kids while she blogs and surfs the internet and does things to monitor local politics.   

I know I need to go but I'm so tied up with religion and feeling bad and my kids.    I screw up all the time.   I'm so much better off than so many people.   I work and make lots of money doing what I do and the house and cars are paid off.   We have no debt and full retirement accounts.

We have hosrds of junk, every car we have ever bought; a filled garage, all attics and every closet full to the ceiling with every piece of homework, art project; we can't even throw away vaccum bags for fear there are legos in them.

I am so scared of the election this spring she will be in because I begged her not to do it three years ago and I wound up in the hospital.  I can't do it again.

[Poison Ivy]

This is an oversimplification, but I'll say it anyway.

Two functioning parents is the ideal. One functioning parent is not ideal but good. No functioning parents is the worst. Right now, your children have one functioning parent: you.

You recognize that your wife is unlikely to change and you acknowledge that the only person whose behavior you can control is your own. You anticipate that your wife will do something in a few months that, if you stay with her, might result in you being hospitalized. If that happens, your children will have no functioning parents.

I hope that you will make the choices regarding your marriage that will result in you being in a situation such that your children will continue to have at least one functioning parent.

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like this is another opportunity for you to save yourself and maybe your kids. Will you take it?

[1footouttadefog]

This is all painful and hard to navigate.

I have stayed and sacrificed alot so my kids would have stability as you have.

Its not always easy to make the choices to be sure.  I can remember taking a part time job just for my own sanity at one point because I felt I was going to break down.  I was the caretaker for an elderly person and a homeschooling parent to a spouse who was mentally ill.  Leaving to work a few hours a day seemed counter intuitive, yet I needed something to change, a relieve valve.

I took the job so I could have some sanity.  I was able to take the kids with me as needed so that was a blessing. I was working for a home based business that had two well appointed playrooms.

I could not see that as a solution despite looking for one.  Someone at my church who I hardly knew gave me a slip of paper with the business owners name, a few words about job and a dollar per hour amount.  I called, somewjat our of curiousity, and was offered three more dollars per hour on the spot to do something I was qualified to do and had some experience with.

It was the right thing at the right time and shifted the balance and status quo and prepared us for another change.

It turns out elementary school has a lot of repeat and the kids did not suffer at all from a few less hours a week of schooling.  Putting outfits on and grooming toy breed dogs and watching disney movies and playing with other kids was better for them.

There have since been other times when a solution that seemed less logical and or practical on the surface proved best.  Then for me sometimes nothing seems to be match.

I hope you find clarity and peace of mind and find your best path through this.
 
Until then maybe you can get your wife to rent an office or use a shared workspace to remove some of the intensity from the house. 

[Free2Bme]

  ....great feedback from other folks here.

Jsinjin,  I totally get your concern about the children having this support from you.  I'm sure you do so very much for them, and it is very fulfilling to be that parent for our precious children.  You ARE that parent for them, and they KNOW you are there to nurture and support.  You can check that box, and you won't stop being that dad.  You have other boxes too, like taking care of yourself, and navigating this new opportunity.  It seems that you have been providentially handed a chance that will provide a step in the right direction, for you and the kids. 

If I am not mistaken, your children are not small (?)
What is the worst thing that could happen if you are not there to prepare lunch and hold them accountable for school?  ....the children may learn to prepare a simple lunch for themselves if you or their mom is not handy.  There's also food delivery.
School -  you can still hold them accountable ... when you arrive home.  Set age-appropriate expectations, and associated rewards/consequences regarding school work.  The kids learn to manage their own stuff.  You benefit by taking preventive measures not to end up in the hospital, this benefits children too.

If your concern is conflict or how your wife will treat them, then you might just have to allow M and kids to figure it out together.  You cannot shield them from what they already know.  (I did this, and proved my theory to be wrong.)

Take heart, you can think through this decision and what is best for your family   

[pushit]

The biggest problem I see is the title of this thread.  You NEVER screwed up, that thought has been implanted in your head.  You were trying to help, but it wasn't enough, and never will be.  I know it, I've lived it.  I'm guessing you left your computer at work because she never told you that she wanted it at home.  Right?  I know that's right, I've been in the same situation a million times.  Sudden expectations that now become an emergency?  And all your fault?  Yep.  You can panic all you want over the spring elections and have all the computers in place, and jump through all the hoops, and then she'll say someone else has it taken care of, and your efforts were worth nothing.  Been there, done that.

My friend, take care of yourself first.  And stop giving support to someone who won't accept it. 

The great Jordan Peterson says it better than I ever could:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdSaUVldSjc

[Bunnyme]

I echo what others have said, so I will try not to repeat it.  Remember, too, that you also can model for your kids that it is ok to set boundaries, and to not accept the kind of treatment you are getting.  You are their model for relationships.  I learned the hard way that the model I had was toxic, and I was repeating it. 

[practical]

Ho do you know taking the new Job is going to be wrong for you and the kids? What you currently have isn't working that well it seems, so maybe trying this new job will help you? You can only help others if you are yourself okay. It is like in the airplane safety instructions "put your oxygen mask on first, then help others". Maybe this job is a way for you to get more oxygen and then help your kids, your family?