Belligerence/aggression in communicating

[SparkStillLit]

Updh is very belligerent in talking. He is loud, forceful, talks over, dismisses, shuts down, ignores.
His immediate go to is anger, louder, escalation.
When he goes after me lately, I have been saying in a low, firm, voice "Stop it. I don't want to hear [bad things about DD, or whatever he did]."
He immediately gets louder and angry and says something like "Stop harping on me!!!"
Then I say "I don't want to be [berated, or whatever he did]".
Now he's REALLY wound up and he will yell something like "I'M NOT BERATING YOU!!! YOU'RE BERATING ME!!!"
Then I will re-ask for a solution to whatever the original problem was.
It totally throws him off the rails and he has to rethink the whole thing. Often he will actually come up with something, and completely forget the whole shouting thing.
I am sure he will figure out some counter to this. I never used to stand up to it, though, and say stuff like "stop it" right out like that. I used to beat around the bush like one might with a toddler. "Let's use our inside voices" ohkaaaayyyy not THAT particular phrase, but you get the gist.

[Lauren17]

You go, girl!!
I'm currently having this problem too, but at work. I have a few colleagues who think the loudest person wins. Hard to handle when all meetings are virtual. I wonder if "I don't appreciate being talked over" would work. 

[1footouttadefog]

At some point I started refusing to be yelled at.  I also refused to be in a conversation that is not two way.  If I am talked over or yelled at, I say I dont do this and leave. 

I tell him he can have a one way conversation without waisting my time. 

One thing that used to get through to mine was when I would wait for a break in his rant and quietly ask, why are you yelling at me.  Am I an enemy? did I do something to deserve being yelled at?  Other oeople dont yell at me.  Why are you yelling in your own home around people who care about you? I am sorry you are so stressed out. We can talk when you feel better.

[Fae Greenwood]

I used to tell him in his rants that I was not his enemy and please stop treating me like that. It didn't slow him down at all since I think in his mind at that moment I WAS the enemy. The only think that worked was MC. Once he was waving clenched fists and I pointed out that he had clenched fists. He responded that his hands were not in fists, that was just the way he hands were right then. Gaslighting was common. MC was the only thing that worked initially. I was able to build on that over time and now can say "Well, it looks like this conversation is over" and then refuse to talk about the subject for at least a few days and then only calmly. That's shuts him down but now he's telling me that he's afraid we are drifting apart.

[SparkStillLit]

I get that drifting apart nonsense on the regular. I absolutely grey rock that. It's an opening for a fight, and I'm NOT going for it.
Ain't nobody got time for that.