Hurtful Mom letter: The Sequel

[Free2Bme]

I really will attempt to be succinct, but as you know it's always complex with distorted persons and increases exponentially with more than one.  I apologize for the lengthiness, just needed to get this out of my head.


My DD15, is very mature/high EQ, typically congenial/cooperative/loving but has been irritable lately.  I chalk most of it up to normal 15yo pushing boundaries and Covid/school discouragement.  She can be particularly volatile that one week/month.

One day, she was in a terrible mood and received a (very rare) phone call from my mother.  (This is after the recent incident when M walked out on me at restaurant after I addressed her with a couple of my grievances after vvvvvLC for 4+ years. her choice) After an hour I casually signaled DD15 to get off phone and get to her homework, she refused and openly backtalked/mocked me (M was the audience) .
I calmly said, you have 15 min to wrap it up then I am turning off your phone.  My M said, "why won't your mother let you speak with me on the phone? "

DD escalates telling M that she (DD) can do whatever she wants and was VERY nasty to me, while M is hearing all of this 
In our home there is not cursing (adults or children), nor name calling, or screaming, it is peaceful here.  (Ok...truth.  I say "Oh, shit"  when something breaks  )   
I remained calm but was in shock, especially because DD is usually down on her GM for how she disappeared from our lives.  Afterward, I turned off her phone and told her this was not acceptable, and I dropped it. 

After a cooling off period, we had a heart to heart and DD opened up about things she's stressed about , admitted that she had fault/responsibility for her stinky grades, picking at her acne.  we worked out a few issues/goals and ended with the air cleared and closeness between us. 

Then........

A letter came from M, for DD.

A rambling diatribe, an absolute gushing, unending list of adjectives about how DD is so beautiful, wonderful, precious and deserving of respect (insinuating I don't treat DD with respect)   Strewn with innuendos of how terrible I am, "angry, raging, bitter" and "it is so sad that my granddaughter was chastised for speaking to her grandmother because there was nothing wrong with that!!!"  My M paints herself as a victim stating "I will never give up fighting for her grandkids" (huh?... she went NC with me and 4 kids when I divorced updxh) 

The language is melodramatic, "war is being waged"..., "all of this unnecessary suffering"........"It's so hard to imagine how all these terrible things could have happened"  (re., me divorcing and M not maintaining a relationship with me and kids)
"I don't agree with your mother correcting you in anger and rage"  Then she moves on to "God probably seems far away from you now, just hold on sweetie"....."He allows people to make their own choices" (a veiled reference to me)...."Hopefully, you will heal some day"

M has maintained contact with updxh, and her husband (possibly PD) has never liked me much.  M denies the reality that she walked away from me and kids and now twists everything to blame me, words/phrases sound like updxh.  M is a young 73, and diagnosed with a form of degenerative brain disease (causing early onset dementia) many years ago and is under the care of a psychiatric neurologist.  I have healthcare background and have read scholarly articles about how her disease can affect the personality. 

I know for a fact my updxh is to blame for a lot of this, he was working on my M behind the scenes even before we divorced .  M is an easy target for updxh, of course M doesn't realize this because he's covert/charismatic tells her what she wants to hear.  My M's husband doesn't hesitate to throw blame my way, so he influences her too. M avoids taking personal responsibility for many of her bad choices in life, and this is now complicated by a dementia that effects her judgement.  I feel so torn.  I do not believe I am in denial about her toxic behavior, but I just don't fully understand what to attribute it to. 

Is she a toxic FM?
Or is she being manipulated, a victim of updxh like I was?   ---very likely.
What if she's being manipulated/abused (mentally/emotionally) by her H? --also likely, she has history of previous abusive relationship- never did T.
Part of me believes she is being victimized.. 

Meanwhile, updxh has been calling DD15 very frequently (he's up to no good) and asks a lot of questions, getting her to let down her guard.  DD is very savvy about her dad, she knows what he is, but likes to play him for material things and thinks she can "win" against him.  DD says it's like dealing with the devil.

I fear this is a collaborative effort to undermine me and lure her away to live with her F or run to GM's house when she's hormonal and mad at me.  I need to have a conversation with DD about the letter, but haven't organized my thoughts yet.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Ughhhh....
This is so painful, I love my M so much and I don't believe this is all "her".
 

[Starboard Song]

This is a challenge. It is actually hard.

We are 5 years NC with my in-laws, and they continue to send letters and cards to my DS18. He gets them, looks at them, and throws them away. Says he doesn't want a relationship with them. But I always fear they'll beat him down.

Beginning around 15, we began increasingly sharing age-appropriate details of the crisis that lead to our NC, and dispassionately sharing some of the details of my in-laws' behavior. We keep it clean: we don't call them names, or make them sound scary. But neither do we protect them from themselves.

When, rarely, they sent us an invitation to make-nice, we discussed it with him and explained our decision to not respond. He was never asked to give his opinion on our actions, and was never expected to agree. As he has gotten older, his opinion has mattered. We believed it was right for him to make his own decisions about receiving his mail and how to react to it. We didn't wait for his 18th birthday: this is a moral question, not a legal one.

I hope for you that you can share your experience and feelings, just as you have here with us, with a trusted friend, for practice. Then have that same conversation, adjusted if necessary to be age-appropriate, with your DD.

Focus on what you want for your family, what you fear for your family, and avoid the rules you have for your family: those rules, about civility and all, are independent of this terrible situation.

What is age-appropriate? I dunno. But generally, we don't want to adultify our kids. I guess it is a personal judgement.