NC for over a year and NF just showed up

[35andnewlife]

Hey all,

I was out for a walk with DS and NF showed up at my door. I could have hid in a neighbor's yard I guess but I decided to say hello because I don't want to hide in fear. He said hi and asked how we were blah blah blah and then it quickly turned into if I was getting their messages. I said no because I changed my #. I even invited him INSIDE (mask on) for a few minutes. I felt like I was having to defend myself again and I said I was open to a letter of apology but other than that, no. He wanted to tell me they were great parents and I was not having it.

Sigh, I feel like all of this hard year this just out the window. And what's worse, I feel terrible for arguing in front of DS, albeit only briefly. (he did ask for my new # and I said no, so at least there is that). I am not mad at NF, I am mad at myself. Did I just ruin my safe haven that I have been working so hard for?  Did I just open a can of worms?

I feel so defeated right now. Anyone else had this experience?

Thanks all, everyone stay safe out there!

[Hilltop]

I don't think you ruined your safe haven.  It sounds like you  handled it fine.  You said what your boundary was and stated it clearly.  You want a letter of apology and you are not interested in anything else and that is completely fine.

It doesn't matter what his response was, you were clear in what you would accept and you stuck with it.  I think you rocked throughout the entire thing and you were also kind and polite by asking him in, you showed compassion and maturity.  You held your own boundaries by not giving him your new number.  I think you should feel proud of how you handled it.  You didn't hide, you confronted him and held your head high, perhaps you argued a little but I bet you handled it much better than you would have done years ago.

I wouldn't worry about arguing in front of your son, children at some point need to understand that people argue, its a part of life, its good for them to learn that people disagree and that's ok, it's good for them to see that people have emotions other than happiness such as anger and disappointment and that emotions are ok.  Think of it this way you don't want to teach your son to stuff his emotions away, at least he sees that its ok to have emotions and talk about difficult stuff, that's healthy.