No one understands how much she ruined my life.

[InTheFog]

Hi I'm new here, it's my first Post.

We met in an anonymous website, that website is mostly for people to have intellectual conversations, dating is forbidden, i met her last year, i wasn't expecting to feel so engaged with this person but without noticing, we were spending in average 5 hours per day talking. Around December, we started flirting a lot, it was inevitable to fall in love for each other although, i realize now she bewitched and schemed our interactions, we were both aware this could be infatuation, but we kept going and breaking the rules, until i told her i wanted to be with her. By this time she was already sending me provocative pictures.

Once i told her i wanted to be with her, she said there was something she needed to tell me, she was married.
I was utterly frustrated, i couldn't believe i was all this time flirting with a married woman, the next day we talked about this, she lied, she was not married, but she was living with her boyfriend, whom a few days before made a Mary proposal.

I did what i thought was the best thing to do in that situation, i told her i could not keep talking to her, i gave her 1 week to decide her future. After a week without talking, they broke up and assured me it had nothing to do with me.

The love-bombing started, we changed numbers around the end of December, we started video calling every day,  our chemistry was on point, but we had such desire to be together she couldn't handle anymore.

She booked a trip to my country and rented an apartment to be with me, the trip was schedule to the beginnings of March, during that time we talked about our meting countless times, she even cancelled her travel here for reasons i still don't know, but at the end she came,  we mostly stayed at the apartment, but she was not the person i was expecting. She was depressed, meting me felt like she made a mistake, yet we had a good time together. I was holding my feelings till she came, i wanted to tell her I loved her in person and that was a big mistake.

When i told her i loved her she said,"no you don't love me", she said she didn't love me. I'm sparing a lot of details here, because in our early conversations she said she loved me. Anyway in the last day i took her to the airport, and we said goodbye. When she arrived home she sent me a text saying she had good time,"it was awkward but sweet", that was more or less her text.

We kept talking for 1 month but then things started to go downhill, she asked me to be calm because she was feeling depressive and anxious, instead of 5 hours per day we were talking 1 time per week, it was mostly me having the initiative to video calls, she was not sharing her personal life with me anymore, i could feel she was changing, our video calls was mostly watching a movie together, and then she went to sleep.

I was getting so tired of this, i decided to have a serious conversation with her. It was a Friday, i sent her a text to talk, she was busy, next day i sent another text and the same thing happened. It was Sunday and instead of sending her a text i decided to call her. She refused the call and text me saying, "We talk tomorrow and i will explain all your doubts".

We did a video call, and she bluntly told me we should stop communicating, i was already suspecting something was going on, so asked her, who was in her house in the weekend. She looked at me for brief moments and told me her ex bf,  started crying and told me she missed him. We talked for more half an hour till she told me crying again she would miss me. That was the last time we have spoken.

Now i look at this and i feel worthless, it makes me feel like it was just my turn to be manipulated, i cannot understand how someone who despite being bipolar is a psychiatrist and can't be honest, she keeps falling for the same cycle over and over, i don't know if she just lost feelings for me or if it was one of her cycles i end up getting caught.

But now comes the best part, 5 months has gone since i sent her the text, i went to the same website, i met a guy there, he told me he was having some problems with a woman, and i tried to help him, i had this feeling in my gut it was her, short story yes it was her, and he was astonished just like me because what comes now its unbelievable, we talked on the phone, he told me they met as well around the same time, but they were only friends in January, they did video calls as well, and yes nudes and so on, she did the same with him the only difference was that she only meet with me, but he told me she loved him, never for once she said she loved me. After she left me in April she went back to her bf he confirmed, he told me the week she was with me in my country they talked on the phone, there was one day she asked me to go home. He had all the registers, and he told me she called him precisely the day i went home.

I talked with her a Month ago after a long time NC, my first question was did you ever cheated on me, she said no, i asked again, did you ever cheated with someone on the site we meet, she said no, i mention the guy name, she stayed silent for literally 10 sec,  started saying she didn't own me anything(i asked for exclusivity), we were not in a relationship, she was basically gaslighting me, asking me what was the point of the conversation, what i wanted with this and to move on. After 2 days she sent me a text telling me how she felt regret, trying to explain what she has done blaming her disorder, i tried to remain calm and asked to talk by voice, she told me she was busy, she had a lot of appointments in her job and when she has more free time she lets me know.

I noticed she blocked me after one week waiting, despite she was the one hurting me, making fool of me, cheating manipulating and no remorse, she is still the one blocking me after all i have done for this person. I read at least 5 books about borderlines, but the one that most make sense so far was psychopath free, her actions are far more damaging than what a borderline is capable of doing, i refuse to believe she has only borderline disorder, at the very least she must be comorbid, but that now is the least of my worries, i come here for help and guidance because i have to be honest with myself, I cannot deal with this alone.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have been through a lot. This site is full of information and support. Check out the toolbox tab for strategies to protect yourself better if further dealing with this person.
It seems that you are already reading about PDs. I found that the more information I got the better I understood my own contribution to the situation. I was not very good at listening to my own feelings when they told me that something was not right, red flags so to say, I was not good at setting boundaries and speaking my mind in a relationship. All that contributed to me being vulnerable to people with personality disorders. It might help you for your future relationships to find your vulnerabilities and work on them. See you around on the boards.

[1footouttadefog]

Just a borderline and just a bipolat person can do all of thses things
  Someone with no diagnosis can do all these things.

Any person with a bad character can.

Its not important to diagnose her.  Its important to recognise the degree of abuse and understand why you were vulnerable to it.