5 months of peace!! Then Thanksgiving rolls around...need advice

[mrsstrezy]

Strange that just within this past week...I was thinking to myself, wow, I'm so much happier without the PD's in my life and glad that I haven't had to deal with them anymore. 

Then! My husband made the mistake of showing me texts from my unNPDMIL.  She's sending him scriptures about forgiveness again

That's not even what's bothering me the most though.  Within the SAME week, I've now received two extravagant gifts in the mail from my unBPD stepmom for my kids.  She did this exactly a year ago as well, then asked if I wanted to get together.  Last year, I did email her and thank her for the gifts, but told her we were not available to get together.  She had texted me a couple times since then and I've ghosted her.  I finally ended up blocking both her number and email because every time she texted me, my anxiety went through the roof.  Apparently she still hasn't gotten the hint and is sending gifts again.  One of them being a rocking horse(for a 6 month old....my daughter is 2 and a half....) that cost $133.  My plan was to send them back so she could get the money, but they were Amazon gifts, so if I return them, I will be credited with a gift card. 

I'm not sure what to do.  I know I don't want to rekindle a relationship with her.  Do I email her, telling her I don't feel comfortable accepting these extravagant gifts and that I'd like to send them back to her home so she can process them for returns? Don't say anything at all and either keep them, return them, or donate them? We know some people in the same friend circle and I guess I'm afraid she'll tell them that she sends me gifts and doesn't hear anything back.  I know that any response from me is giving her fuel for more contact, which is what she wants.  She's trying to force an interaction, just like she did my entire childhood.

[Amadahy]

I'm so sorry!  I'm convinced that PDs have this radar that goes off when we're finally feeling some semblance of peace so they can muck it up.  (I had similar happen Sunday and I'm mad about it!)

My advice is to donate the gifts to charity and say nothing.  If she tells folks you don't respond, so what?  Some people are going to talk no matter what and some have got their hands full with their own problems and shrug things off.  Either way, it's nothing that can hurt you as much as an interaction with PDs can.

And, I *hate* when PDs invoke Bible verses! 

Here's hoping you can regain that peace that you deserve. 

[Thru the Rain]

I agree with the charity donation - and if you return the items, you can easily donate the resulting Amazon gift card to a charity.

[BettyGray]

Oh, no, not bible quotes. That'll show you!

Sounds like you and your kids are getting love bombed (if you're not up to speed, the main page has terms & definitions). This is how PDs operate in order to "win" affection and give the appearance of generosity and kindness. Kids are easy to manipulate with gifts and money, so the more extravagant the gift, the more suspect it is. $133 for a rocking horse? Does it run and jump, too? Does it talk?

Regarding gifts, I gave mine to charity. Amazon cards are more complicated, yes, but perhaps you can buy things you really need for your babies - diapers, etc.  If you really wanted to stick it to her, you could give to a charity that she would NEVER support, if there is one.

Interacting is throwing yourself back in the game with a broken limb. Remember, PDs do everything to get a response. They know how we will react (usually angry or hurt) and they wait for it - then they pounce. Either with a rage storm or underhanded or dismissive comment. When you do nothing, you have the upper hand, period.

I really would not go down the road of wondering what she has said about you to other people. No doubt she has lied to garner sympathy and made you out to be the ungrateful, selfish daughter/stepdaughter.  You cannot control any of it. Yes, that sucks, but people who know you well enough will believe you have your reasons.

PDs love to make everything "us" or "me" vs. "them." We are the "them," the scapegoats. Anyone who challenges or doesn't play their game is the enemy. They can lie, exaggerate, and make us into any monster they want. The objective is to build up a "team" of sympathizers/flying monkeys. Some will say just about ANYTHING to turn others against us. It's all a game. Then they get bored with it and move onto their next victim.

I would just say this:  a mother or step mother who trash talks to other people about her own kids is no mother at all. Trust your gut - keep your boundaries n place.

Always forward, never back.

Ever stalwart.

[mrsstrezy]

Thanks all for the great responses!

Amadahy-YES!! don't PD's always seem to rear their heads at the worst times?  Like you, I was INFURIATED when I saw the gifts on my porch.  Now I feel like I constantly have to watch over my shoulder for the next crazy thing that's going to happen.  I have such a hard time with worrying about what other people are thinking.  Probably because I was raised in such a judgemental household.  But you're right, people are all having their own issues and me not speaking to my stepmom is probably the least of their concerns, lol.  If someone really had an issue with it, I'm sure they would have told me by now, and it's been three years since I cut her off.

Liz-I feel like I've been getting love bombed by my stepmom since my dad passed away.  I feel a lot of toxic guilt/shame about cutting her off because she was unhealthily obsessed with my dad. When he died, her world pretty much fell apart.  His death was sudden and traumatic and would have shaken anyone, so I can only imagine how it was for a PD.  I tried to support her as much as I could when he first died, being one of her main "support people" for nine months afterwards.  But the emotional weight of that was more than what I could bear.  I think she was looking for a caregiver and I just couldn't provide that.  Especially when she was not a mother figure to me in my childhood. All she did was get mad at me for not giving her enough attention(when I was 10) and was jealous sometimes when I'd spend time with dad.  She was never nurturing or warm, everything was always about her.  Even though she knew that I struggled with getting close to women because my mom left when I was 7 and was very emotionally absent. 

I have no clue if she's talking crap about me to other people or what she's been saying.  I would assume so.  No matter what, that's probably what she's always done.  I am just so tired of thinking this to death, and of the toxic guilt and shame that I've been dealing with about this for years.  I started seeing a therapist this summer and have been seeing her regularly.  She's been having me do EMDR, which has been very helpful.  But it's hard to override the constant thought that I am a bad person if I don't thank someone for a nice gift or reach out to them in some way.  But it's probably the only way she will stop, if ever.  I guess I feel guilty too because she's definitely not the worst PD person out there, I know people that have dealt with much worse.  She never swore at me or beat me as a child.  She is able to keep a job and have friends.  So sometimes I say to myself, "is she that bad? maybe I could just deal with her."

[BettyGray]

It's common to think that just because they didn't hit us, it wasn't that bad.

I've learned from being on this forum, that is simply not true. It was that bad.

I am appalled that your stepmom didn't seem to understand that you lost your father, too. She didn't just lose a husband. No doubt she suffered, but come on. You are under zero obligation to rescue her, which is futile anyway. Even if she was your blood relative (which she is not), you still wouldn't owe her anything. "Not that bad" isn't a reason for giving bad behavior a pass. Especially to a 10 year old. How sad. She sounds utterly exhausting.

I can't recall who on this forum said those words to me: "you owe them nothing. You are an adult and allowed to make your own choices." My therapist had also mentioned this - and at the time, it was like a revelation. I suddenly was like "I'm in my 40s - why do they still think they can tell me what to do?"

Your decision to go into therapy is significant. I hope you find success with EMDR - I have heard it helps many people. That you are getting help shows much courage and is a profound act of self-love.

As for what others think - I had this problem for a long time too. My family was about appearances. We were to reflect well on our parents. I was incredibly self-conscious. Making mistakes was devastating to an irrational point.

Once I was NC for a bit, I noticed a shift in my thinking. The voices were gone. Self doubt, fear, caring what others think - all gone. Distance made that possible. Also just once and for all ripping off the band aid of contact (which was VL) gave me a sense of power that was completely new. I called the shots for once.

Its your life. You call the shots. If you don't want to stay in touch with her, don't. If she acts like a spoiled child or a monster, there is nothing you can do to change that. So why be involved at all if you are just a whipping post?