Ramping up

[Happypants]

Brief backstory - my mother ended up in hospital with a suspected stroke 7 weeks ago but luckily it turned out to be a viral infection but has left her with some discomfort on top of existing health problems. She got out 3-4 weeks ago and my father has been looking after her and I've been dropping in once a week with supplies.

For me, and I'm sure many others, Covid has meant less pressure to mix with family and, aside from the last 7 weeks, a routine of predictable contact which generally speaking i could deal with.  There were a few of the usual manipulations, comments and scapegoating, but generally things we okay-ish.  My mother's health scare and residual issues, together with my father's health issues, threw up the unspoken pressure for me to potentially provide care, thankfully it didn't come to that - my parents seem to be coping well and my mother is back to normal.  Unfortunately, so is her behaviour.

She has been extremely nice to me through the whole situation which is really putting me on edge. Last week my home phone rang. I left it because 1) it's faulty and goes dead when the call is picked up, and 2) everyone knows that so they don't call it, so i thought it was a marketing call.  I was surprised to hear my mother leaving a message on it so i planned to call her back using my mobile, but the message she left said "sorry, I'm phoning you because i thought i had  just missed a call from you but i know now that it was someone else" .  Ooooooookay  Both my numbers are saved in her phone under my name, she would know if i called, but i gave her the benefit of the doubt. 10 seconds later, my mobile phone rings and it's her.  Realising the previous message made no sense and there would be no need to call my mobile on that basis, i ignored it, sensing there was mischief happening  She left a message on my mobile saying pretty much the same thing again  

I had planned to just not do anything, but i sometimes come over all I'm-sure-this-is-normal-behaviour-and-it's-really-me.  So i texted her 20 minutes later to say I'd got both messages and that no, it wasn't me.  She texted saying she was too late getting to the phone and assumed it was me (even though my name/number would show as the missed call).  She ended the text by asking me to add bread to my shopping list for them. I don't get it, was that what that was all about?  Was adding bread the point of the call? Why not say in the message? Or was there no point?

On Sunday we popped by their house to drop off a couple of things and stayed outside and chatted (covid restrictions), but after 15 minutes she started struggling with a genuinely painful issue she's had since being in hospital, so we left - this is a regular occurrence when visiting and it's a genuine complaint, i've left if she's getting sore every time and it's no big deal, we get it and we live only 5 minutes away.  But yesterday, i received by text that felt like an OTT apology for us having to leave because she was in pain.  I replied saying we totally get it and there was nothing to apologise for.  She replied with a smile/bursting hearts emoji 

I know it seems like a long post about 2 seemingly innocent exchanges, but i just feel completely weird about it all, like my gut is now shouting rather than whispering even at the smallest signs of manipulation.  I've mentioned before feeling like I'm being groomed for something, perhaps caregiving. But her inexplicable reason for calling **twice** and all the nicely-nicely are hitting me harder because I've had a couple of periods of calm this year thanks to covid. 

I haven't been able to concentrate and I've felt a sudden fatigue hit me whenever i start trying to figure her out this time around. I've been looking into counselling and there seem to be a few in this country who specialise in personality disorders, so i think it's time to bite the bullet.  My energy, mood, frame of mind, motivation and resilience have dramatically dropped since she re-started her games last week.

To be honest, I feel like complete and utter sh** and am ready to walk away from all her fake rubbish, except that I still don't fully believe it's not all me. 

[Starboard Song]

I know it seems like a long post about 2 seemingly innocent exchanges, but i just feel completely weird about it all, like my gut is now shouting rather than whispering even at the smallest signs of manipulation.

Broken injustice meter. It happens to all of us. You've been through this movie before and your heart knows it.

I think this post makes tons of sense. Your senses are spot on: you know when something is off. And yeah, your injustice meter is on a hair trigger. You've been hurt: it is right to be highly sensitive. The challenge is not to let that vigilance wear you down. With strong boundaries that you are confident in, you'll be able to let the vigilance go, knowing that when the moment of impact hits, you'll know exactly how to shut it down with calm authority.

[SunnyMeadow]

For me and maybe for you too, there aren't innocent exchanges with these parents. My uNPD mother has a motive for everything. Now your mom said she assumed the call was from you. To me this would be code that I should be calling more.

This stuff isn't you. I feel every interaction with my mother has some underlying motive for something. She's always so sick, so sad, so depressed, so ______. It's rare I could have a fairly normal visit without some kind of drama.

I think if it feels like manipulation, it probably is.

I'm sorry Happypants. 

[Andeza]

Yeah... she's been on good behavior-ish for seven weeks. I bet it's starting to wear a bit thin with her. They get "normal" fatigue if you know what I mean. My uBPDm tried that "thought you just called me" line before I went NC. I told her no, and since I'm a contact her phone would have said it was me. Yep, called her out on it. She didn't have any good way to respond to it so just played it up to being old and not really understanding "these things" aka tech.

I like the broken injustice meter. That makes a lot of sense.

Additionally, I would assume the over the top apology to be PDspeak for "I'm so poor and pitiful! Look at me! LOok At MeeeEEEeeeEEee!" In full metal waif voice. And yes. Most scapegoat daughters/sons are groomed to caretake. I know mine tried it. Failed horribly. For the life of me, I don't understand why they think treating us like crap is going to convince us to take care of them in their old age when all they do is fall into treating us worse and worse. 

[Hilltop]

Happypants, my mother does the same thing.  I am not sure what it is about.  I have also received texts asking if I just called.  Or I get a text that is meant for other people, I stopped replying to those.  Or I have even received texts of mine that she is forwarding on to other people with a message saying "this is what Hilltop just sent".

Fun times.  I am wondering if she thought she may need care taking so she was extra nice to you.  Keeping you close etc.

It does just feel like constant games doesn't it and the on going vigilance is exhausting.

[Happypants]

StarboardSong - Broken injustice meter sounds spot on.  And i think thanks to lockdown and before her admission to hospital i had more control over contact and visits, so it felt like a glimpse of a more  peaceful existence without the threat of a visit. They had virtually no control over me and had to rely on me, that made them play nice and "respect" my boundaries. Time to reinforce them.

SunnyMeadow - thanks.  I do feel like there's an underlying motive for every interaction.  There are the ones where she has a conscious plan ie hoovering, attacking a boundary, etc - i can usually predict those and in their predictability i find them validating but also triggering.  The ones that trouble me the most now are the regular pushes for contact that, probably unconsciously, are designed to keep me in the fold, as the one who is always available in comparison to my GC brother (who is granted freedom as the favoured one) and will be expected to stay in that role.  I think perhaps that was the point of the calls - she's increasing those ^^ calls to their previous level now she's experienced being in need of care.

Thanks Andeza - yes, the apology was crazy. I've only ever heard her apologise for things where there has actually been no wrong-doing.  I honestly don't know, she maybe did just feel bad but I'm way too far along this continuum now to not have a trigger reaction when she does something like that.  With regard to the treating like crap, i guess if we feel like crap, we'll do whatever they want for approval. Unless we get wise to it 

Hilltop - it really is exhausting.  Like a lot of people, I've been hypervigilant most of my life just due to be anxious by default, but my home life sometimes served as an escape from the things that triggered it. But you don't get away from it when the cause has manifested itself in your head. 

[SunnyMeadow]

Or I have even received texts of mine that she is forwarding on to other people with a message saying "this is what Hilltop just sent".

I never thought other PD parents were forwarding emails and texts like my mother does! My mother will group email a reply I sent her about some bullsh*t thing she sent me. I hate that! I reply to her in a different way than I'd reply to someone else.

There are times I agree with her in some vague way to get her off my case. If I don't reply to some political article or "touching song about how people forget about the elderly" she will resend over and over.  Then I find out she sends my reply to everyone, maybe to show that someone communicates with her?? I don't know. Ugh.