When therapy becomes a weapon in the PD arsenal...

[Sapling]

Does anyone have experience/strategies with what to do when a PD goes to therapy and then uses the therapist's language to manipulate you?

Eg. I demonstrate a normal amount of annoyance or anger if my uPD sister breaks (another) promise to me but she claims she feels "unsafe"  in order to avoid accountability.

Or, my uHPD friend wants me to drop everything and give her attention so she rings me up and says "What would make me feel loved is if you... [insert unreasonable attention-seeking thing she wants here]."

Or when talking about a non-PD, they'll say that person is "just lacking certain emotional skills," but it seems like a vague and non-specific put down.

I've had to put a lot of distance between myself and these two people in particular because I find the specific use of therapeutic language really hard to take. Its like- I think they're going to therapy to get the help they need but actually they've just found more language with which to manipulate  But I was wondering if anyone else has come across this and if so, what do you say/do?

[notrightinthehead]

You are doing the right thing by putting as much distance as you can between you and these people.  You best defense is to be knowledgeable about the manipulation tactics they use. And if it is psychobabble, just raise your eyebrow and grin. I tried to babble back but found that next time that was just used against me...

[GettingOOTF]

When my BPDxH started therapy he leaned a whole new language with which to manipulate and abuse me. I divorced him and went NC. My experience is that distancing yourself is the only thing you can do to fully protect yourself in these situations.

Over time I have learned that the best approach is to say nothing. Engaging only seems to feed the behaviors. I've mastered Grey Rock in professional settings and in personal settings I've removed myself from these relationships. It seems like you are doing what you can.

[Matteblak]

My wife and I go to the same therapist independently, and we have sessions together as well. I just tell him the things that she says about me following her sessions with him, so he has a better understanding of how she is weaponizing his language, and then he brings those things up in our couples sessions. He has a pretty clear picture of what's going on, which I'm grateful for. But it is kind of funny to watch her story change in front of him, knowing that he knows the truth. Just saying

[Sapling]

Thank you notrightinthehead and GettingOOTF. I definitely feel like the distance has done me a world of good. It's been like a huge detox from having to hear so much BS. I haven't had much luck trying to say anything back or even asking them (politely but firmly) NOT to use therapeutic language, as I don't understand it let alone respond well to it. (Even my T talks to me plainly, which I appreciate).

Matteblak.
Thank you for your sharing some of your story. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this (in therapy too). Good that your T is aware of what's going on. I do find it affirming to hear that others experience this too and its not just me.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

Oh yeah! I can relate. My uNPD father did a lot of counseling when I was growing up and he used tons of that jargon to avoid responsibility. He was a huge fan of "we are all responsible for our own emotions" when challenged about his abusive behavior. The problem wasn't his actions, it was how my mom or I were emotionally reacting to him that was the problem.

In fact, what uNPD dad would do is something I've watched other PDs do which I call.... "jargoning." The way it works is that any time you point our something hurtful they've done, they deflect by accusing you of "labeling/judging/being judgemental/putting them in a box/painting them into a corner/pigeonholing/finding fault/attacking/criticizing/diagnosing/insulting/demeaning/punishing/accusing/name calling/pathologizing."

You can probably add a few more this list.

Anything to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and the impacts on those around them.

The problem is never what they did, but how someone else talks about it.

More often than not, therapy is for a PD what a gun shop is to a serial killer.

You are wise to step away from those people.

[Mintstripes]

Yikes, definitely wise to distance yourself. I agree, it is very manipulative.
This reminds me of my FOO. Years ago, in a desperate attempt to patch the tattered family back together, my enabler/covert narc mother announced she and my N abusive father were going to therapy. I took it with a massive grain of salt and had a strong feeling it would be VERY short lived.

Then came the bait and switch: they had only started going to rope ME into going with them. When I refused, I was told “we can no longer go to therapy because you are unwilling to participate and improve things with the family”.

As if they didn’t have a lifetime worth of things to address with the therapist themselves! Again, I was the SG to blame who just wouldn’t do what they wanted. I wasn’t fully Out of the FOG back then (I’ve been NC for years at this point) but I was able to set a major boundary there.

Also, just to add: I was a full fledged independent adult living on my own at the time. I’m glad I was able to shut it down and that they didn’t try to drag me to some gaslighting therapist when I was a minor still living with them.

[Sapling]

Yes DetachedAndEngaged! Ministripes- Jargoning is the best word for it. I find it so hard to take. I just get shocked that they even have the audacity to use this language in the first place when it does not correlate to their behavior at all. Its not just manipulative (although that is bad enough), its also pretentious.

Mintstripes, I actually went to a session, years ago, with my uDPD sister and it was a complete waste of time. Good on you for not going to therapy with your PD folks. It would have done more harm than help. Thank you for your reassurance. I do feel like distance is the way forward for me.

[Mintstripes]

Yes DetachedAndEngaged! Ministripes- Jargoning is the best word for it. I find it so hard to take. I just get shocked that they even have the audacity to use this language in the first place when it does not correlate to their behavior at all. Its not just manipulative (although that is bad enough), its also pretentious.

Mintstripes, I actually went to a session, years ago, with my uDPD sister and it was a complete waste of time. Good on you for not going to therapy with your PD folks. It would have done more harm than help. Thank you for your reassurance. I do feel like distance is the way forward for me.

Sapling, I almost forgot (happily  ) that I went to "couple's therapy" with my UnPDxh. God, what a colossal crazy-making experience that was!