Feeling achingly lonely

JollyJazz · December 14, 2020, 08:26:24 PM

Hi All,

Hope everyone is doing well in the lead in to Christmas.

I'm struggling with something, I'm just feeling achingly lonely 😔

The thing is, I do have friends. My friends email, text, but I still feel lonely.

I'm in a new town and don't have as many connections as I did in my home town. I'm forcing myself to reach out, even though sometimes I don't feel like it. I miss my old town.

When I walk home from work my loneliness feels like this cold mist, soaking into my bones.

I have great workmates, a great boss, I'm well liked at work.

It almost feels like a deeper, existential thing 😔

I could never safely open up to my family and I feel like I'd like to have more friendships where I can feel safe to be open and vulnerable, to open up about emotional things.

I'm also working on assertiveness with my T, so I've had to be assertive with two friends. One I just can't be around anymore (T agrees he meets criteria for an abuser), and another friend who I've had to establish boundaries with.

I find this stuff so hard, especially when I'm already feeling lonely. I know intellectually I feel like I need extra reassurance that I'm likable etc. because of all the intentionally hurtful messages growing up. Anyway, thanks for reading 😊

Poison Ivy · December 14, 2020, 11:39:50 PM

I'm sorry you feel so lonely. I think I get what you're feeling and going through.

Associate of Daniel · December 15, 2020, 01:53:54 AM

I've found it hard in recent months too.

I think a lot of it is due to the isolation caused by covid restrictions.

Hopefully when life gets busy again we'll feel a little better.

AOD

JollyJazz · December 15, 2020, 03:06:33 AM

Hi Poison Ivy and Associate of Daniel,

Thanks for your replies 😊
I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling it too.

I read that loneliness is also due to a lack of intimacy - having people to open up to, and I think I've had that, interestingly, I did talk to someone about something that's been bothering me and I feel a bit better now 😊

Thanks again 🤗

Boat Babe · December 15, 2020, 04:04:25 AM

Hi JollyJazz. Here's a big hug. You are not alone. Surviving PD abuse is so damn hard sometimes.

I totally get you. Loneliness is horrible and I too feel it, deep in my bones much of the time. The pandemic has made it much much worse and I have had some bad days too. No one who knows me would guess this as I am sociable and have lots of friends. It has led to some pretty unhelpful coping mechanisms in the past too.

I note that you're in a new place and that is a big deal. I moved to a different country when I was younger and it took me a good two years to embed myself socially. If you have the time, I am sure that there will be some voluntary work you can get involved with. I've done stuff like that for years and made some splendid friends in the process. It also ticked my people pleasing/helping side in a healthy way.

Hang on in there and continue with the self care and self Compassion. ❤️

JollyJazz · December 15, 2020, 06:17:06 AM

Hi Boatbabe,

Thanks so much for your compassionate and understanding response! 😊

The funny thing is I'm actually in one of the few parts of the world that isn't locked down as we have no community covid thanks to great leadership 😊

But yes, being in a new place is hard. It's also hard when I know I can't get proper support or help from my FOO. I guess we grow up resilient and self sustaining, but being in a new city makes it that much harder.

As fate would have it, I just had a great talk with a friend tonight which made me feel better. I opened up about some things and we are going to do volunteer work together 😊

Thanks for your support 🤗🦋

Boat Babe · December 15, 2020, 10:53:38 AM

Fabulous synchronicity. I am so pleased for you.

Stillirise · December 15, 2020, 11:09:19 AM

Jollyjazz, I'm so glad you found that IRL person to connect with. This post is one that has made me imagine a hopeful world—one where there are a lot more caring, empathetic people like those on this site, and a lot fewer like those that drove those kind folks here in the first place. Best wishes!

JollyJazz · December 15, 2020, 11:04:14 PM

Hi Boatbabe,

Thank you, yes total synchronicity!!! ☺️🦋 It gets more complex in a good day - but I'll save that for another post. Thanks for your kind thoughts.

Hi Istillrise,
Thank you!!!
I'm starting to make new positive, healthy connections. I've set some boundaries with some friends who haven't reacted well, but it's so nice having new opportunities open up! ☺️

Hepatica · December 16, 2020, 08:54:53 AM

Hi Jollyjazz,

I'm following your thread because I relate to it quite a lot. I'm so happy for you that you found a friend to do volunteer work with. That is something I wish for.

Regarding loneliness, I think it must be a "thing" for survivors of PD families. Because I recall very so lonely as a child just because I felt unseen, and unloved. I think when loneliness hits us, it is like a flashback. And especially now, with Covid restrictions and the looming holiday season that can bring us such feelings of loss, it is even harder.

Sending you a hug. I am inspired by you taking action.

JollyJazz · December 17, 2020, 04:26:22 AM

Hi Hepatica,

Thanks for your kind and supportive words!!!

Yes I agree that loneliness is a thing for us who survived PD FOO's. Constantly being stressed and having to survive, the last thing we had was for someone to listen and pay attention to us and actually care about us.

Things have turned out happily in the last few days, I've made a new friend!! Talk about the twists and turns of fate!!!

I hope so much for you to find a friend too. For me personally, I have to force myself to reach out sometimes but it's so worth it.

Sending you a big hug 🤗

Amadahy · December 17, 2020, 12:09:40 PM

Hi, JJ,

So glad you've found a new friend! I hope your sense of isolation and loneliness lessens or abates altogether. I have bouts with that feeling, too, even though I have a great FOC and friends. I think the woundedness of having an emotionally absent and abusive PD parent will tend me that way when I'm not feeling healthy and certainly logic helps, but that deep sadness is, well, sad. I hope you come to enjoy your new town and make friends who love you just as you are. Best wishes.

JollyJazz · December 20, 2020, 06:10:21 PM

Hi All, thanks for your kind words and support. Well, I did find a great new friend, who just helped me escape from a very uncomfortable living situation - and things took a dramatic turn! I just posted about it:
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=86857.msg745256#msg745256

Talk about the twists and turns of fate! 😊 I feel like there have been lots of changes in my life recently and things are moving in a much healthier direction!!! 😊