Aging Histrionic

[Sneezy]

My MIL checks all the boxes for HPD, which is not something I see discussed often.  There are many overlaps with NPD, and the same strategies help with both.  But one unique thing (I think) about HPD is the vanity, vamping, sexy/flirty behavior, and the obsession with physical beauty.  I read a book about PDs a few years ago that warned there is nothing worse than an aging histrionic.  Not sure if that's true, but it is a challenge.

MIL is 80 years old and still obsessed with physical beauty, and especially with weight.  And so she barely eats.  Which would be bad if she were healthy and middle aged, but is downright dangerous in an 80 old in poor health and with memory issues.  Enabling FIL won't/can't do anything.  If he didn't go grocery shopping, they would probably both be starving.  I guess in MIL's mind, it has only been a short while since she was the homecoming queen.  And so she brags about how little she eats and how much weight she has lost, all because she wants to keep her figure. 

Does anyone else have experience with this type of behavior?  Any advice to share?  I think it's only a matter of time before DH and his siblings are going to have to step in, but everyone in the family seems afraid of MIL for some reason.

[Andeza]

DHs gma is one of those. Ticks all the boxes! Right now she has latched on to the drama of covid and has pushed it so hard, shaming her own family for things she perceives, that everybody is pulling away. I'm not talking about, you know, normal precautions and whatnot... she's gone 100% over the top.

And in every family photo, she has to be front and center, with her head back like a 50s movie star (think Marilyn Monroe).

My advice? Stay as far away as possible. They can't really be helped until they get to that point where a doctor determines they can't make decisions for themselves, and families tend to try to fill that gap and take on all the crazy rather than letting paid professionals help. Which is a recipe for a mental breakdown.

As WI would say, time to become "sir not appearing in this film."

[Sneezy]

I am VVVLC with MIL.  And she is now becoming quite the recluse (like Greta Garbo, if we want to keep the celebrity analogy going, which works well for HPDs).  In MILs mind, if she can't be the diva, the center of attention, the beloved matriarch, well then she will just withdraw from society and make us all suffer due to her absence.

It's difficult to watch FIL go through this, although he has been her chief enabler for many years.  And as I am only an in-law and not one of his children, there's very little chance he would take any of my advice.  She makes his life a living hell.  Last year, she refused to go anywhere for Thanksgiving and wouldn't cook anything, so FIL ended up driving around his neighborhood, alone, looking at people's Christmas lights.  This year, she is refusing to decorate for the holidays because she says she's not in the Christmas spirit.  I know, there is no reason why FIL can't get the decorations out and do it himself.  But he appears to be afraid of her. 

In any case, you are right, I no longer have a role to play in this drama (I played the cold, heartless DIL part for many years, at least in MIL's script).  I guess I just sit back and support DH as best I can as the end draws near.  Very sad, but I just don't know what else I can do.

[nanotech]

I used to react like Pavlov's dogs to my Nsister's histrionic behaviour. Not any more- and now I'm classed as the cold-hearted sister! Ok I'll take that! X

Simply drop the rope. It's emotional blackmail.
My Nsister used to focus on looks and appearance so so much. When she became single she was in her mid thirties and looked younger, so she dated younger men. These were always tempestuous and short -lived (she's very high maintenance).
She would go out on the town with her 17 year old daughter, and dress and act as if SHE were 17 as well.  I'm not moralising. I just didn't think it was a great thing to do. I don't think it was that great a role model for her daughter either.
She would never date anyone who was balding or with a slight paunch, or who wore glasses!  After her longest lasting relationship with a younger man failed ( too many histrionics for him in the end). After that she  had some interest from more average men, some of whom seemed kind and well -meaning. Worth a date, in my view.  But if they weren't young and lean, it was always no. So the  dating stopped.
Around this time she began to develop some weird habits around food. At family parties she would draw attention to herself by not eating, or not eating properly.
She would also discuss the eating habits of other family members, both past and present. 
She has since made this a personal theme of  hers at any family get together, which is why I no longer attend them. It's either a 'tummy issue'
' a sore gum'  or ' I can't eat and  I don't know why ' (then starts crying) . The latter  was at a family summer party with children about.  She's in her sixties.
This behaviour began earlier - just remembered.
When she got divorced she stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. There were a lot of 'I can't eat' statements.
She used to ring me and ask me to go out to lunch with her. She said if she was with me she 'could eat something', and if I said no she 'would not eat all day.'
Of course I went.
She made me responsible for her eating. I didn't see the harm then but now I think I was enabling her to put her own self-care onto me.
No one is responsible for another adult's self -care.
When that happens, when you start to feel fear obligation and guilt if you don't do what is asked, it's not caring, it's care taking. Caretaking another ( able) adult is indicative of an unhealthy, enmeshed relationship.
I'm sending hugs- just detach and let her be in charge of herself, as we are of ourselves. Don't worry.

[Sneezy]

Around this time she began to develop some weird habits around food. At family parties she would draw attention to herself by not eating, or not eating properly.

Same with my MIL - not eating becomes a way for her to get attention (in addition to being incredibly dangerous and most likely contributing to her poor health and declining memory).

However, as you say, I need to drop the rope.  I am *only* an inlaw and no one is going to take my advice on this.  Well, DH listens to what I say, but even he can't get his parents to take any sensible steps.  It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion.  This is going to end badly.  Hopefully, it's a minor medical emergency and there is help nearby and it all eventually ends well.  But at this point, DH and I have no choice other than to wait and deal with the problems when they arise.  On the bright side, it has prompted us to have some very serious discussions about our own aging and how we want things to go.  Not that you can always predict and manage things, but we at least want to put more thought into it than DH's parents have done.

[nanotech]

It is really hard, dropping that rope.
But it does work. It doesn't stop immediately of course. In fact PDs usually try and up their game when they see any disinterest.

Once I realised that through my reactivity, I was letting my own sense of guilt manipulate me, that's when it became easier. I suppose I saw that actually, I had all the control.

I've had one or two instances of indirect/ direct  criticism from other family members (other PDs or flying monkeys) but I figured that's ok.
Plus- I used to react and jump to fix things only to find myself called 'interfering' anyway,  and then I'd be devalued and discarded.
So when you just don't react, it's totally win win.
Another tool, if someone is throwing their problems at your feet, rather than picking them up (they are not yours) is to say  something like
' Oh no that's shame. What are you planning on doing to resolve that? How are you planning to change/ fix that?
It places the responsibility where it belongs.

[Boat Babe]

I like that last tip Nanotech. Thanks.