My Story/Vent

[errorglobal]

Hi everyone

I don't know where to start so I guess I'll just dive in.  This community has already been so wonderful and educational and I only just found it.  Its shed a light on my life.  The concept of JADE alone has saved me hours of misery, and FOG has drawn my attention to the ways my partner controls and undermines me, even when she isn't raging.  Feel free to skim—this is a lot, I know.  Any thoughts would be sincerely appreciated, but even just having the space to vent has been wonderful.

I (33m) am in a very long term relationship with a partner (33f) who is expressing serious BPD and possibly AvoidantPD symptoms and behaviors.  She is in the middle of a rage as I begin writing this about how I woke her up at 10am to offer to cook her a homemade crockpot soup when she told me last night (after another rage, this time about how I made "water noise" while feeding the cat—more about that later) that she wanted me to "stay out of her way."  By coming into her room (we often sleep in separate spaces, her in the king-sized bed, me on a small matt on a hardwood floor in the living room) and offering her an olive branch well after I knew her alarm went off, I was disrespecting her wishes and being an "idiot" (her favorite insult) who can't follow instructions, never learns, and never changes.  She then went on an hour long lecture (thank god for medium chill!) about how I'm inconsiderate, stupid, or malicious.  She always tries to bait me into arguing with her—her favorite tactic is to phrase everything as a question (e.g. "why are you so stupid?"  Or "why do I need to explain this to you over and over?" or "what were you thinking?") which immediately suggests that she wants me to provide my reasons for doing what I did, which are never good enough and she can then further criticize me for and call me defensive.  If I refuse to answer or dodge the question, she accuses me of not working to resolve things with her and disrespecting her by not "responding" to her critiques/concerns. 

By long term, I mean that we have been married for 10 years (got married way too young) and we actually started dating when we were 13 (so, I've had some kind of relationship with her for 20 years—almost 2/3 of my life).  We dated on and off (mostly on) through high school and college, got married about a year after we graduated, and then moved across the country for M.A.s and now PhD.s.  We have been mostly alone out here since.  We never really dated other people much so we don't have much experience with other relationships. 

Her symptoms have been part of our lives for a very long time but I am only now beginning to recognize them for what they are.  Even when we were very young, our relationship was a roller coaster—she would be absolutely wonderful and amazing one moment, and then we would be in an awful fight the next.  This constant ping-pong kept me confused and in damage control mode, always trying to repair things.  There were other warning signs too—violent relationships with other friends and her parents, social isolation, etc.  Now, she splits, she rages, her moods swing dramatically in the blink of an eye, she expresses a lot of black and white thinking, especially about me, a lot of emotional self-torture and hate about everything from her appearance to how good she is at taking care of our plants, isolating (both of us) from friends and family, very few if any stable healthy relationships, constant need for emotional validation, comfort, and attention, circular and incredibly long conversations/arguments about my failings often very late at night (5am is not unusual), inability to self-sooth, alcohol abuse (and trying to coax me/guilt me into drinking with her when I don't want to), incredibly controlling/self-centered relationship dynamic (especially at night, I am basically in full service mode—tucking her in on the couch, getting her beer or snacks, talking to her when she wants to talk, but not interrupting the show when she is trying to listen, etc), occasional suicide threats, especially when she thinks I am disconnecting, etc. 

She hit me (beat me really) for the first time about six months before we were married and we had many awful and violent fights in the first two years (we even had a blowout during our actual honeymoon).  I think I had pretty bad flees during that period, especially regarding emotional manipulation.   I felt unloved and unlovable by the only person I loved and who I had made the center of my universe, so I did and said some relatively extreme things to try to get her to see what she was doing to me.  That, of course, made things worse, and I regret doing them.  She has gone through phases of trying to avoid being physical, but it always comes back.  She has destroyed so many things I care about in her rages, often emblems of our relationship (flowers from our wedding, etc.)  We are about the same size but I am much stronger than her, so she can't really hurt me physically.  I used to try to stop her, sometimes by holding her wrists or pushing her away (bad idea, I never should have done that, even in self-defense), but she just used that as more ammo and blamed me for everything later, so now I just try to run away from her or, if I can't, take the hits.   I am not physically afraid of her, but the emotional trauma of her violence is awful.  Being hit by someone who is supposed to love you the most in the world isn't easy, as I'm sure so many of you know.  Knowing that they will probably do it again someday despite their promises and "attempts to change" is almost worse.

These behaviors and others have waxed and waned over the years but they are at a serious highpoint now.  We live in a very small (about 500 ft) one bedroom apartment far away from family with few resources and the isolation/monotony of COVID has made everything worse. 

The problem, of course, is that she is so wonderful a lot of the time and I have built up a massive confirmation bias towards trying to fix things and see her in a good light (more on that below). I love her.  I have spent my life trying to love her.   For a long time I thought I was the central problem (that is always her message to me) and I have worked very hard to try to be better for her.  Other times I've thought that I'm crazy—she is so good at talking me out of things I remember and positions I hold, mainly, because I want to believe her (she is also very smart and articulate—we are both college instructors, hold advanced degrees in the humanities, and are finishing PhDs).   Sometimes, she just pretends like nothing happened and then latter attacks me for being moody and bringing her down.  I am definitely depressed! 

I want her to be right because then I have some control over the situation—if I can only act right, not bother her, and make sure I don't make any mistakes around the house (like leaving a small puddle of water next to the sink after doing dishes for the "third time this week"), then things will get better. 

I want things to be good for her, and, over the years, she has (I think inadvertently?) used that good will to her advantage.  She knows I'll do anything I can for her so she can push me around and I almost never retaliate or push back.  She can use my desire to help her get away with making outrageous claims about how I am inconsiderate and rude.  As soon as she makes that kind of claim, I am immediately in apology/repair/care mode (though I am still a bit distant because of, you know, the emotional abuse).  The funny thing is that now she has gotten to the point where she yells at me for apologizing!  She says my apologies are empty and the don't fix anything, so she doesn't want to hear them.  So I offer sympathy and care and get the same answer (doesn't fix anything, so she wants me to shut up about caring for her).  So I try to validate her feelings (same answer).  Etc until she gets to the point of the conversation where she storms off amid a cascade of "you don't love me" and "I have no hope for you or us" and "nothing I do matters, my life is miserable, fix it" type comments. 

Things are bad.  She is regularly emotionally abusive (name calling, demeaning, condescending), frequently physically abusive (hitting, throwing things at me, snapping or clapping right in my face, breaking things, etc, at least once a week), she has been using sleep as a control mechanism for almost as long as we've been together but its gotten way worse (we usually go to bed in between 2 and 4 am, sometimes as late as 630, either arguing or staying up to watch TV, something she knows I hate, and she knows I always wake up around 730/800.  According to my fitbit, I average about 5.5 hours of bad sleep a night for the last nine months, sometimes significantly less. There are usually 1-3 nights a week where I get 2-4 hours of sleep.)  In a variety of ways, she has made it impossible for me to go to bed before she does, or even to mention that I am tired and I need sleep).  I was supposed to finish my dissertation in September but since I had no space/energy to work or think this summer because we never slept (and things have only gotten worse since the semester started) I am seriously concerned about whether or not I'll graduate.  I have started taking drugs (legal and low habit forming) to combat the fatigue, memory lapses, and inability to focus.  I credit these with the extent to which I've been able to peak above the waves lately, but they are a short term and only partial fix.  I need consistent stable sleep.  My physical health and ability to take care of myself has deteriorated tremendously over the last nine months.  Before the pandemic, I ran three times a week, exercised regularly, and was in great physical health (that was a long uphill battle from a low when we were more isolated).  Now, because I am always exhausted, I haven't exercised at all in almost three months and my body feels terrible.  Basically all of my goals/relationships outside of my marriage have either fallen apart completely or been put on hold.  I have barely been able to keep up with my teaching work and everything else including my dissertation has been either too much for me to take on emotionally, or I simply don't have the time and energy because I am exhausted and putting out fires.   I've fallen back on rampant escapist habits I had in years past (mostly playing videogames so I don't have to deal with my life). Up until recently I blamed myself for all of these failings (I certainly bear some responsibility!) which made me even more depressed.  I am naturally a care giver and consensus builder (even a martyr sometimes—not a good trait), so I feel responsible for, well, everything going wrong, and she explicitly reinforces this worry by blaming me for everything including her own sleep problems and alcoholism.  She even suggests that it's my fault that she gets aggressive and hits me, and when I take measures to get away from her when I think she is getting violent, she blames me for escalating the conversation and yells at me till I relent and come back.  That she insists everything is my fault doesn't help, and  there is absolutely no reasoning with her that we both bear some responsibility.  If I even bring up that she is causing a problem for me (especially in an argument), she accuses me of deflecting, being self-centered, making the problem worse, and undermining/not listening to her.  Then its back to the insults and the all or nothing statements.  Over the last few weeks I have been called an idiot (more times than I can count), a toddler who can't take care of himself, an ogre, an ape, mr. magoo, an inconsiderate asshole, incompetent, a stupid little shit, a dumb fuck, I've been told I'm ruining her life, that I'm ruining everything, that I am what causes her to drink and never achieve her goals, that I'm always in the way, that I can't do things that any normal person could do, that I can never learn anything, that I'm hopeless, she tells me she hates me several times a week, she told me she is only with me for financial reasons, that she wants a divorce (a common theme that is really just her trying to goad me into trying to make her feel better and convince her to stay with me—I'm pretty sure she'd never actually leave me, though I wish we could mutually decide that this isn't working), she often imitates my voice in a mocking disparaging way, etc. 

But I can't let go.  We grew up together.   She is/was my best friend.  I feel so much sympathy for her and her hurt.  She is isolated, self-hating, and trapped, and I am all she has.  There is a good chance that she would kill herself if I were to leave.  (she has certainly said as much and she has gotten close several times in the midst of her black depressions). She is clearly suffering and I wish I could help.  I can't bring myself to admit that I probably can't and that she will just keep finding new things to rage at me for and then need comforting afterwards.  And she is so sweet, caring, affectionate, and fun when things are good.  She tells me how great I am, how much she loves me, how she needs me and couldn't do without me, etc.  She love bombs a bit, but mainly because she is desperate to be loved back, and I buy into it and am super loving back, both because that makes things easier and because I genuinely care about her.  When she is not having an episode, she can have moments of clarity when she realizes something is wrong and apologizes (if in only a limited way). Plus, there are tremendous practical hurdles—we don't have much money (grad school has put us in considerable debt), we live far away from my familial support network, I need to stay in this city for work, at least for a while longer, and I don't think I can go through the emotional/financial upheaval of leaving and finding a new apartment by myself in what is an incredibly critical time for me from a career perspective.  Literally, the next 6-8 months will determine whether or not I can stay in academia, something I have spent the last decade of my life trying to make work.  I need to finish my dissertation, apply for jobs, and teach 2-3 classes, all during the COVID mess.  And then there are all the dreams I can't let go of.  When we were kids and dating, I was in a very bad space.  I'm not entirely sure why (been working on this with my therapist for a while now) but I desperately needed her love and I got it into my head that love meant doing absolutely anything for someone, no matter what.   (my parents are both caregivers too, which works great because they just mutually support each other and their friends and family, but sucks for me because much of my relationship is so one sided).  Unconditional service oriented love.  (yes, I have a very religious background)   I thought that if I showed her enough love she would love me back (especially bad when she would break up at me and then we would get back together months later.  I never broke up with her but I think she broke up with me at least four times).  So, partly because of my own problems at the time, I helped create a relationship dynamic where I was (and still am) constantly trying to do everything in my power to make her happy, comfortable, and feel loved.  The problem is, it's a bottomless pit, and no matter how much I pour in, she still explodes, rages, and then essentially demands/manipulates me into comforting/showing her love.  I also think that early in our relationship, because I was so doting and caring, I made her feel like she couldn't leave me without crushing me.  She cares about me a lot (in her own way) and I don't think she was ever able to make up her mind to leave even though she was unhappy. 

Also, I have always had a strong impulse to JADE in all of my conversations with her (again, we are academics, justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining are what we do for a living...).  My point has never been to undermine her or steamroll her or anything but just to find a consensus and to fairly represent my position in the conversation, but I think when we were younger she definitely took my JADEing as not allowing her to have a voice.   I definitely had a habit of getting defensive when she criticized me for small things, and then (and this was really stupid on my part—not just because of the potential BPD but because it is just a dumb thing to do whenever ANYONE raises a criticism) I would say she was overreacting.  My family mantra growing up was "don't sweat the small stuff," which works fine if everyone feels like they can be heard when the stuff isn't small, but she always took that attitude as suppressing her right to be upset about something and complain about my behavior.   Our gender dynamic doesn't help either.  She has always been resentful of the patriarchal structures of our society (we grew up in a  small town with rampant sexism—happy to explain this in more detail), and who can blame her!?  Men use their power to undermine, control, and silence women all the time!  But she is very quick to interpret any defensive move on my part, no matter how minor, and no matter how massive her offense as trying to take away her voice.  Thank god I'm finally learning to not JADE.  For a long time I worried that I made her this way.  Part of me still does. 

The problem with not JADEing is that it doesn't leave me with many other options.  When I go grey rock, it gives her less ammo and the conversation stays calmer (less throwing stuff) and sometimes ends sooner, but I have nowhere to go (she will chase me from room to room in our tiny space or just block doors) and if I disengage too much, she can tell, and then accuses me of not caring, and will sometimes go into either a depression spiral or use  that as ammo until I start supplying her with a care she can accept.  So I essentially feel backed into coddling her when she rages.  Any tips here would be awesome. 

As I said, we are very isolated from friends and family.  When we first got married, we moved across the country for grad school to a small town that was actually a good ways away from both of our programs (we went to different schools).  We had no money for travel so we saw our families rarely (which seemed like a good thing because she was already having violent fights with my dad and she's never gotten along with her parents).  At the time, probably because of my problems in high school and because I had already been with her for so long, I thought I was a very private antisocial person who didn't need or want a lot of friends, just a few very close connections, the most central of which was my partner.  It turned out (much later) that I'm actually very gregarious and people oriented.  But I have had to suppress that side of me because whenever I try to build a connection with someone or have activities away from my partner, there is always some reason for her to blow up at me afterwards (I didn't communicate my plans clearly enough and I'm disrespecting her by not being clearer is probably the most common one these days.  It doesn't really matter how clear I am about my plans, If I am away for more than 2 or 3 hours, I can expect a rage).  So, I got in the habit of not building and maintaining connections with people (something I really only began to push back against a year or two ago).  I always used to try to invite her along, but she always refused, and then acted sad/despondent/upset whenever I left.  If I tried to call her on how that put pressure on me to avoid social connections, she would complain that I was telling her that she shouldn't feel or show me how she feels.  Which then would become a long conversation about how I don't validate her feelings.   We eventually moved into the city and things got a little better for a while, mainly because we could both get out of the apartment for long periods of the time and have other things to focus on, but things have never really been good.  Now COVID has brought us right back to where we were when we were so isolated outside of the city. 

This is getting long and there is so much more to tell, but I'll try to wrap up.  I am here because I am trying to figure out how to move on/get through the next few months.  I can't seem to make up my mind to leave her though everyone I talk to thinks I should.  I can't stop doubting my impressions.  After all, it is only the two of us here, who is to say that I don't have a warped impression of what is happening?   I want to go home to see my family and clear my head but the last time I brought up how I thought I needed some space, both from the relationship and to get some work done/sleep, we had a huge blowout fight and I caved.  I've proposed couples therapy on multiple occasions, but she refuses and tells me I am trying to manipulate her and that I'd turn any therapist against her.  That was another huge fight a few weeks ago.  She won't even go to therapy herself (she "tried" two therapists about a year ago,  but she disliked them both and quit).  I am trying to learn to maintain my convictions/clarity during honeymoon phases.  I am so quick to forgive her for even terrible things she does (for instance, she coldcocked me hard in the chin last week right before I had to teach a class.  I stormed out and she begged me to come back, by that afternoon I was trying to make her feel better.  A week or so before she chucked a full but open 16 oz can of beer at my head, which exploded, showering me and all of our books.  And I just went to clean it up.  Earlier that night she had ripped open the bathroom door while I was peeing and poured a bottle of water on my head and I thought she was going to hit me with the steel bottle, and later that same night she dumped a bottle of seltzer on me and my computer, ruining its keyboard, and then hit me with the bottle.  Next day, I was trying to make her feel better and then things went back to "normal").  During the good times, I always find myself gaslighting myself about how bad it really is.  I've tried journaling and using WellTrack (an awesome app—look it up) but I still find myself doubting and making excuses all the time.  How do you survive the honeymoon?

In the hour or so its taken me to write this, she has already calmed down and started acting loving and caring, even apologizing a bit for being "irritable."  Next she will probably start calling herself a "bad person" and I will want to reassure her and comfort her.   I am already feeling the pull to forgive, forget, and forge ahead.  Tonight I will probably do something small around midnight to piss her off again, and then the cycle will start all over.  I don't know how to let this go.

I don't know if anyone made it this far but a sincere thanks to anyone who has.  I am so grateful to have found this community.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a good place. You already have studied the Toolbox and found JADE, learn medium chill and grey rock as well and apply, apply, apply. You will get better at it. There are two  books that might give you further tools you can begin to implement  "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud and "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" by Fijelstad.
Do you have real life support like a therapist, a self help group for people in abusive relationships (usually women, I know), Co-Dependents anonymous? You have been in this rollercoaster for so long, you probably are severely traumatized and you might need support. You also need an emergency plan, a place where you can escape to when you are being attacked. Try to escape before the attacks start. Because you are a man, you might not get much support from the police when you call them for a domestic disturbance, therefore it would really be better if you could just grab your bag, or keep it in the car or your place of work, and find a couch to crash on. Do this every time the argument gets heated or you are deprived of sleep or abused in any other way.  If you are consequent with the implementation of boundaries, things might get worse first, then calm down. When you change your enabling behaviour,  your partner might change her behaviour too. If you continue doing what you are doing, the outcome will be what you have now.
Threats of suicide should be handled by mental health professionals. If your partner threatens suicide call the help line. Do not waver. Call the professionals.
I am sorry you had to find us and glad you did. We are all on different stages of our journey - looking forward to your posts.

[errorglobal]

Thank you for the warm welcome   Its taken a long time for me to work up the clarity and energy to post that so thank you so much for reading and your recommendations.  I just started the Fijelstad and its great. 

I have a therapist who is generally pretty great, but we seem stuck at the moment.  My partner has also started "accidentally" overhearing parts of my tele-therapy sessions (I think its an accident?) and has started putting pressure on me to stop going--we've had a few fights about what she's overheard and she says she can't trust me because of what I say in therapy.  I just opened up to my parents about what is going on a few weeks ago.  They are very supportive and wonderful people but they are thousands of miles away.  I don't have a support group yet--are there any good online groups?

I have a bag ready to go if I need to get out fast.  We don't have a car but there is a hotel in walking distance if I need a place to stay.  I really don't know how to stop enabling.  These patterns are so "built in" to our relationship.  Lately she has been less physical and angry (though still angry) and more in need of comfort.  Of course, I try to offer it to her and that doesn't work, and then she gets upset with me for not being able to fix things.  Last night, she kindof tried to address some of her behavior/express some remorse but I said something upsetting to her early on in the conversation (I mentioned that when she is angry, she blames everything on me--i didn't say it in an accusatory way, I was actually trying to talk to her about how I feel guilty that her life is so hard) and then we spent two hours trying to get over how I hurt her.  Of course, nothing I said or did helped and she just accused me of being thoughtless and uncaring, and we went in circles.  Thank god she wasn't drinking last night (she's been cutting back!) or we would have been up till 3+am going in circles with her essentially trying to get me to make her feel loved and probably eventually getting angry with me for being so "stupid" for not being able to fix it.  Instead, she gave up around 1:00 and we slept in seperate rooms.  The whole thing breaks my heart and makes me feel so guilty about not being able to care for her. 

Today she is being lovely and I just want to pretend that nothing is wrong.

Again, thank you so much for your thoughts and advice.  Very happy I found this place.

[oak_tree]

Welcome, EG.
I'm new here too, but the site and group have already been a great help to me. Glad you found the clarity and energy you needed to post. I don't think I have any great words of wisdom, but I can tell you that you're definitely not alone. My partner's situation was very much like yours, though the physical violence was far less frequent (she mostly just threw pots and wiped books etc off tables/desks). She even plays the "patriarchal structures of our society" card (which I don't deny, but she uses it as an excuse not to work).
I don't know if this logic is sound, but what I'll just say is this: If you're clinging to the idea that she can get better, then look at it objectively: Is your behavior helping her get better? It seems clear it's not. Maybe just based on that, you could justify leaving?
Be kind to yourself.

[errorglobal]

Thanks Oak Tree.  Being kind to myself isn't a strong suit for me, but its good advice.  Thank you for your thoughts.