FOG rolling in for the holidays

[ToAudrey]

Really more just the O and G parts.

So uNPDH gave me a few stocking stuffers yesterday and a card (paper but he states he thought he got a card but could not find it). If you were on the outside it would seem really sweet. How he knows he is "A LOT" and how I'm a beautiful and strong woman etc etc. I'm having to replay in my mind scenes from a few months back when I had just started to stop JADE (and also so many other things from over the years that has clicked as not really as sweet as I thought) just to remind myself that I'm not making things up. The feelings of obligation to excuse everything are creeping up as well as guilt that I don't want to feel this way anymore and am very slowly working towards a life without him. Anyone reading that note would think oh ToAudrey is so awful for not being grateful to have this husband that is sooooo wonderful. Look how he complimented and admitted a fault.  I have no faith that was a letter of genuine good intention. The behavior is no different. I feel baited to start up a conversation that will allow him to start his old rants that I finally stopped reacting to.

Among the "thought it was so sweet but maybe not": several times I had hobby retreats/conventions where he decided to attend as well. Great right?! No one else had their significant other attend the retreat. Result though was for those retreats I was never fully present with the others as I had to always get back to H and mom responsibilities. The other participants got to be fully engaged and their loved ones had given them the gift of a couple days vacation from obligations. With the conventions there were many other significant others around but looking back I felt obligated to hold back and not engage as much with everyone like I used to. He was always quite charming to everyone and I was told how lucky I was that he came along. But then I remember that at one event I've no makeup in photos as he said something I can't remember now but I cried and had to clean up before starting my vendors table at the event. I felt better after a while and comfortable around friends and a bit silly (an introvert being so comfortable and accepted that they are extroverted) and feeling great then he knocked me down again that I was embarrassing myself by being silly (it was a convention for a whimsical collectible so not a serious event). Then another event he was in such a mood the whole time and changing his mind that I missed out on most of the get togethers outside main convention itself.

[Bunnyme]

It's great that you've gotten to the point where you recognize the PD behavior.  It can be hard when the slip in an occasional nice gesture...though there is generally an ulterior motive.  Take it for what it is.  You ARE a strong woman.  No need to feel obligation or guilt.  Dont let those feelings ruin your holiday. 

[stormbrewing]

I identify with this so much ToAudrey. I recall a couple of times that my updstbxh announced excitedly that he would come one a work trip with me as though it was a wonderful surprise/gift and so exciting and generous, and the drama that ensued when I tried to implement boundaries around this - comments like "you never want to be with me and all I want to in the world is to be with you; you just can't get wait to get away from me; why is work so important to you". Then when I did go without him any work/social events would be ruined by the phone calls and texts laying on the guilt thick and fast. So many texts.

A while ago a very close friend of mine had a small birthday gathering with karaoke. I am an introvert, but like you mention in your post I can become somewhat extroverted when I feel comfortable and accepted. I sang karaoke, but during the night someone asked me where stbxh was, and reflecting on it I realised that if he had been there I would not have sung. I would have felt self-conscious and on alert waiting for the passive aggressive negging that would have occurred either that night or soon after. That night was a game changer.

At times when I have started to slip back into the fog, and his outward behaviour appeared sweet and committed, it is the memory of this night and the way I felt that keeps me Out of the FOG. That night I started to remember who I am, and I didn't recognise the version of me that I had become by the end of our relationship. It sounds like that is happening for you at your events.

[notrightinthehead]

ToAudrey, like you, I believe the words on the card are just that. Words. If no action follows,  you do the only right thing possible,  take them as empty words. Someone who is truly sorry for what he has done will try to make amends and change his behaviour. If you cannot observe that the behaviour has changed, he is just trying to hoover you. As you write, you have stopped JADEing, he might have noticed that your focus is no longer on him as much as it used to be, now he tries to give a little, tempt you back into the trap, pull you a little closer again.
What would be the point of you feeling guilty when your partner apologizes for something he has done?  Especially when it is such a general statement as being a lot? With no promise to change? What would that oblige you to do?

[1footouttadefog]

The good times vampire.

My odh has been like this. He has never had his own cirle outside of co worker interactions and piggy backs on my activities.

So many times I took him along to things and was embarrased or the event was ruined in someway by his presence.

I recently left my church if over a decade because I just cannot take being there with my spouse.  I will find a new chirch to attend by myself.  This way I can worship in peace and perhaps have a conversation that is not hijacked into pd weirdness. 

I have to start living my own life separate from this child who is getting younger all the time.  I would not tale a child so I can no longer take the man child to adult events.

[ToAudrey]

Bunnyme - that is a good point to just take it for what it is. I've found that difficult with many things and have been working on it so yes this is another thing to take at face value. There are no real strings.

Stormbrewing - yes very much as you've described! Bring to mind other occasions like this as well. Annual parties and the like with people that was comfortable enough with to like being at the party but once this relationship started after a couple of times it was too much to have him come so I started making excuses why I couldn't come each year. So happy for you that you had that karaoke night and noticed the shift! Thank goodness for these memories staving off the FOG.

Notrightinthebhead - you are correct that I've stopped JADE recently. He had a few blow ups after that, I think early on in my membership here, where I think he was so used to my JADE response that observing rather than reacting to his claiming I was the most hysterical (can't recall exact words) I've ever been was downright funny. Calm, even, short answers and he's saying I'm off the rails. I don't even know if he remembers these things he's said. Good point about the lack of any promise to change, in fact the way that it was worded it was really a promise to not change at all (he has said he's tried to look up that his 'deal is' before and 'didn't like the options' so that was that...um...ok). The obligation I was starting to feel was obligation to put up with actions as they are just let him be here rent free and meet all these fungicidal wants of his. I'm to the point where I accept how he is but still wiggling to remove myself (and our son to the extend possible) from having to deal with/put up with how he is.

1footoutofthefog - that last paragraph! Exactly! I stopped going to some things because he'd come but just mope. I wouldn't be comfortable at a party with people I didn't know either...so I'd just not go. But he would go! And then I'd choose (working on codependency I've found in myself!) to be really awkward and not interact with everyone the event to stay close to him. We've had friends over to our home (before pandemic) and more than once he just walked into the living room (open floor plan so not really a hey I'm tired and going to a private room) and laid down to take a nap without a word to anyone. The hobby convention and retreats I did not do when I was with my 1st husband (whole other reason that didn't work out that isn't PD related) but this has had me thinking on the annual parties from the corworker. The 1st husband was self aware enough that he knew he had social anxiety and got treatment for it. When we were in college there were some disappointments with him cancelling us going to something last minute but as adults...with those parties I went to them and he chose usually to not go. Not a guilt trip or anything he just only went to the things he was comfortable with. Those memories show the difference in this.