Ever feel like this relationship is all you're worth?

[Prototypian]

So.oftwn I feel like I want to leave or that I deserve to be treated different.    The reaction is so "matter of fact in my spouses answers as requests for change that I feel like a light switch there to just flip on and off.   I'll talk about change and she simply answers back exactly what I ask or says "thank you for telling me".   That's it. 

I always feel like this is all I'm worth and there isn't anything out there I can do.    This isn't a bid for pity; it's just how I feel.   It's so easy for friends to give ultimatums and say "it's all up to you" and "you just have to decide".  But I feel like this is a much harder decision than simply willing things to be better.    I've done a lot of hard things that take enormous planning and sacrifice.   Dealing with my spouse has been a scary, violent, irrational explosive rollercoaster.   

The hard things I've done have never had such massive emotional consequences; in undergrad and grad school you just had really hard math and science; in business negotiations, there was definitely a downside but the outcome has always been business; in sports or outdoor activities there are always winners or losers but rarely is there a set of threats and fear or guilt and religion thrown in.

I often feel like if I leave I'll be throwing away the 25 plus years most people only imagine having as a marriage and will seem like some jerk who just got sick of his middle aged life.

I see people who are happy or at least appear happy; husband's take their spouses on dates, families play together on family night, chores get done by kids or they lose their phones, spouses do finances together and file stuff or throw it away and they deal with Ken or both of them collecting a combination of ceramic figurines and shot glasses from different countries.   

But I feel like what I have is 25-7 screaming local politics, piles of trash and every memeory and paper ever sent to us stored in trash heaps, screaming at the slightest apparent slight and kids who make As and are terrified of their mom.findign out they chose to not do extra.credit because of the explosion that will occur about "not caring".

I just often feel like there is nothing beyond this.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm not sure if this is the same or a similar thing. But here goes: My ex-husband was the only person I ever dated and the only person I was intimate with. Even though objectively speaking my life is okay (I work hard at my job, get good reviews, do nice things for people, have a few activities that I enjoy), I feel like a huge failure for not being successful at relationships. I know that I will never get married again, I'll never go on a date, and I'll never have sex again. I had my chance, and I messed it up.

[notrightinthehead]

You say: "I always feel like this is all I'm worth and there isn't anything out there I can do."

If you told yourself "Maybe there is something I could do. I will make a plan and stick to it." and then actually implement your plan and stick to it, maybe you would find that there is something you can do.

[Free2Bme]

Hi jsinjin,

How would you define marriage? 
You started to describe it when you mentioned date nights, families playing together, chores, consequences, spouses working out finances together.

Among other things, marriage involves living cooperatively with one another, a side by side partnership to walk through life.  Your situation sounds more like tyranny to me; screaming, explosions, trash, fear, etc. 

Hard things in life are risky and require courage.  We evaluate options and the effects upon the healthy and innocent parties should weigh heavier than effect upon the disordered, (outsiders that don't have to live in your shoes don't count).

My updxh use to say "Free2Bme, I will NEVER leave you", most people would want to hear this from a spouse.  When i started coming Out of the FOG, hearing this would send a chill up my spine.  As many lies as he told me in 20+ years, I think he was telling the truth on this one.  I realized that I would be signing on for year, after year of the same tyranny for me and the children, and guarantee that I would never have a real marriage.

To say "I am not loved, therefore, I am not loveable" is a fallacy in thinking.  (I'm guilty of it at times)
IMO, the ability to "love" another human (spouse, child, friend, whomever) has to do with the persons capacity for love more than the recipients "worthiness" of that love.  Disordered persons are incapable.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[pushit]

Great reply by Free2Bme, I completely agree with all that.

Somewhere along the way you were conditioned to accept a relationship like the one you currently have.  That's not your fault, it just is what it is.  I think back to my FOO and there was dysfunction there, though only about 10% of the level of what I had in my marriage.  But it set me on the path to marry someone like my exPDw.  I also reflect on the early days of my marriage and it's obvious that there were warning signs.  I used to kick myself over not seeing the signs but there is no point in doing that nowadays.  You're also probably (like most of us on here) an empath, very giving of yourself, and willing to help others out.  You got suckered in under a false pretense, like I did, and like a lot of us do.  Don't give up on being an empath.  It's a great quality to have, you just need to judge others better to determine who is worthy of your time.

Just the fact that you are recognizing that it isn't healthy is all the proof you need to know that you deserve and are worthy of something better.  Don't stop thinking that you deserve better.  We are all a work in progress, at all stages in our lives.  We live, we experience things, and we become better.

A quick funny story about dating post BPD divorce:  I went out with a woman a couple times this summer, she was really good looking and I was very, very attracted to her.  She also seemed very grounded and fun to be with.  Long story short, after dating a few weeks I quickly recognized some of the same PD tactics that my ex used on me.  Changing her order at a restaurant to match mine (on the first date), discussing big life changes with me as if I'm a close friend and then acting as if I'm a confidant on these decisions, etc.  It quickly went from someone I'm very interested in to feeling the same kind of yuck feeling I would feel if I had to kiss my ex wife again.  She ended up getting angry at me and discarded me when I didn't comply with her "rules", but it sort of made me laugh at the time.  I was onto the rules of the game, and chose not to fall into the trap.

So, if you're thinking that you can't find something better, you need to drop that thought right now.  My marriage was the best learning experience in my life.  I don't know if I'll ever get married again, and I don't really care.  If a special woman comes into my life I'm all for it, but I'm not looking for it.  If you want another relationship, by all means go look for it.  You're not ruined just because you had one failed relationship, you're just experienced and now you have a better idea of what you want. 

[Kat54]

This relationship should not define you. You are definitely very very much worth more. Life is what you make it. Easy said than done, I've been there and today I still wonder where the strength came from to leave. I never considered myself a strong person.

Some how through gods Grace, praying every day, I got through my divorce. I was contemplating suicide, hurting myself and at the lowest point in my existence from a person that didn't care and continued to tear me down by yelling, barking orders at me, controlling my life. That's how I felt, and he said it was my problem. It was, kind of true. So I got up the courage or probably die so, I got rid of the problem.

For my birthday this year I'm having a reminder tattooed on myself. Not that I really need one at 57, but maybe I do. But to never forget you can make a choice to live the life you want. "Love This Life" 

I know how hard it's been for you Jsinjin. Always in your corner rooting for you.

[1footouttadefog]

I thinknl there were times I feltnl like that.

Because I have always had the freedom to basically what I want, in terms of hobbies, time for church activities, and such, I did not allow myself to feel abused.  I figured that my own flaws probably balanced things.

One of those flaws was being an empathic do gooder.  It took seeing my little, our little kids become the recipients of of behaviour to wake me up.