Still can't respect boundaries.

[deletedtrust]

At the beginning of Dec. I told uPD mother that I was taking a break and that her mail would no longer be accepted at my address. I blocked her on social media and on the phone but I forgot e-mail and a couple of days before Christmas she sent an e-mail saying Merry Christmas, she loves us, etc. I black holed it because I had said I'm not discussing anything for a while.

There have been a lot of calls from numbers I don't know to my phone and a lot of e-mails saying that my accounts had too many password attempts and I needed to change the passwords (took care of it, they're secure) but no direct contact other than the e-mail to me and one to hubs saying happy holidays.

Today one of the unknown numbers left a message right after I went past the main intersection near my house. It was uPDM saying that the only way she had to get in touch with me was e-mail. I had gone to the store with my kids. On the way back through the intersection it just so happened that uPDM was panhandling on the main corner we have to go past to get to the store. Her usual "spot" is up the highway a couple of exits but there she was. Thankfully the kids didn't see her. When I realized it was her I had panic/PTSD symptoms flare up immediately and I realized that she must have seen us go through on the way there so she called.

The waify message today, sitting on the corner I have to pass to go anywhere, calls from random numbers, and attempts on my passwords, feels like harassment now that she knows I am not kidding. Buses don't come out to my neighborhood or I'm sure that she would have shown up by now.

Do I e-mail her just to have it in writing that I do not want to talk and let her know that she is not to come out to my house or I will call the police? All she would need is one friend with a car and I'm positive she would show up out here. For a few days there I thought that she was going to respect a boundary, I don't know why I hoped she would start now after all of these years.

[BettyGray]

Deleted trust,

That’s awful. Unfortunately it has happened to many of us, too. I have experienced that feeling of my heart close to exploding it was beating so fast. The feeling of my stomach falling 1,000 ft in one moment,. The utter FEAR of them trying to overstep -er - steamroller our boundaries.

Glad you didn’t run into her, but it seems this may not be a one-off. She is trying to force contact, which is a form of control. Throwing you off balance is her mission. What better way than a “spontaneous” ambush, making you scared in your own neighborhood. I was scared in my own home, and I live 13 hours away!

The first thing I would encourage you to do is come up with a plan. Since you live close enough for her to do this, assume she will not hesitate to do it again. You had a close call, but now you actually have the upper hand. You’re pre-warned.

What will you say- if you are alone, or with your kids? Being prepared will help you stay grounded while throwing HER off balance first. She is expecting you to be flustered or triggered. Take that away from her.

This IS stalking.

This is NOT NORMAL.
If it was an ex doing this, you would not think twice about labeling that person as a dangerous threat to your mental health. When it’s parent,we feel guilty for protecting ourselves. You know,the old “ but they’re your FAM-UH-LEEEEE!!” propaganda.

I don’t know your story but depending on her level of dysfunction and desperation, you may need a lawyer. There are good threads on his forum for dealing with restraining orders, cease and desist, stalking laws, trespassing and more. I am sure law enforcement will tell you to keep a record of her oversteps.

Keep emails, voicemails,put a camera on your door if you need to. I would NOT engage via email.Once you do so, she knows you are reachable and this could further embolden her to do more audacious things.

Give her enough rope to hang herself. She can prove she is crazy all by herself. Keeping records of the facts will bolster your case.

Let’s hope it doesn’t come to involving law enforcement. I do not think an email with a threat to call the police will sink in to her PD brain. She will brush it off because she thinks you would NEVER call the cops on your OWN MOTHER.

Plus, then she has it in writing you threatened her. Imagine the dramatic yarn she can spin with this information! Imagine a “what kind of person does this to their poor mother”  sympathy campaign she could build around it.
In the PD world, there is always a villain, but they are the aggrieved. They need a villain to garner attention and supply from unsuspecting souls who believe their lies.

So ... the password attempts are just ....SO....creepy. I have a feeling you can pursue this with whichever company hosts the accounts.  I certainly would look into it.

One last thing, I don’t know your state or country, but learn the anti-stalking laws in your area. It will be good to have the knowledge in your back pocket. If the law says what she is doing is illegal, it’s illegal.

Best of luck. It is So ridiculous and exhausting how far they will go. Remember, NC means you hold the reins and control over what happens next. Reengaging abdicates your power and gives her an opportunity to abuse you. Don’t give her that. 

[deletedtrust]

Thanks Liz. I ended up not doing anything at all.

I got another e-mail not long after she left the voicemail saying that she needed to know if I had her mail. I had already clearly told her, in writing, at the beginning of Dec that I was no longer accepting her mail here at my address. This is the same thing that always happens. I set a boundary because I have had enough of her behavior then she waits a while and stomps right over the boundary while acting as though things are as they have always been. Instead of acknowledging the reality that I am not taking care of the mail anymore, and therefore have nothing requiring us to be in contact, she just assumes that I am still doing what I've always done and have "gotten over it".

In all the past times, I have. I have let it go and tried again, hoping that I could reason with her or that once I was old enough she would show a little respect for me as an autonomous adult. I'm mid-thirties- it ain't happening. It will never change and I have to stick to this NC now or I will be doing this dance forever.

[Andeza]

Yes, because PDland is the realm of reruns. In other words, use the same worn out tactic over and over until they get the reality in their heads mimicked in real life. Sheesh, what a situation though...  I also live far across the country from my uBPDm, and we only plan to get even farther away. To a colder climate no less. She hates the cold.

Just remember, when the vending machine breaks (us changing the status quo) they are going to kick it as hard as they can to make it dispense endless reassurances, fawning, compliance etc. Because in the words of one of my favorite bands "I want it all, and I want it now," just so happens to be the warcry of pwPDs everywhere. Anything that interferes with their master plan, which is typically being waited on hand and foot in their old age by us, is the end of the world and totally unacceptable. But not just unacceptable. It's SOOOOOO unacceptable that they refuse to acknowledge our decision in any way, shape, or form. It becomes a thing that no longer exists, banished to the void where all other things they absolutely cannot handle end up. The denial is stunning. We, being more reasonable, sit back on our heels shocked to our core at the behavior on display and question how anybody on the planet would simply ignore a firm statement or request to end contact. It makes zero sense... and that's kinda the point. PDland is full of terrifying fallacies and frequently devoid of logic or a true sense of reality. It's not a place I would willingly visit, that's for sure.

There are extremely useful resources on this forum concerning steps you can take if pursuing some manner of legal action is required. Something I've also seen suggested (by WI I think) was schedule a consultation with a lawyer, write down all your burning questions beforehand about how to handle this situation or that variation, etc, and spend a few hundred bucks for peace of mind and a game plan. Since laws vary so much by region, I've always been partial to the idea of seeking information from someone well-versed in your location rather than a random internet search that may or may not be accurate or up-to-date.

Until you know your course of action for sure, hold onto the knowledge that if she shows up at your place you can absolutely call the police and ask them to escort her off your property. They can kindly inform her she is trespassing and don't come back, thanks. Toodles. You don't have to. You can stay in the house with the doors and windows locked and ignore the goings on outside. That's perfectly fine.

Take care of yourself. The stress from this has got to be downright monumental. Take time throughout the day, each day, to calm yourself, focus on your breathing, and just sit quietly. Or whatever works for you. I just find that to usually be a good starting point. Sorry you're going through this. All any of us ever wanted was normal parents...

[BettyGray]

DT,
Good. I am glad you did nothing. One more win for you.

Andrea,

Your writing is excellent. I LOVE this:

Yes, because PDland is the realm of reruns

and this

Just remember, when the vending machine breaks (us changing the status quo) they are going to kick it as hard as they can to make it dispense endless reassurances, fawning, compliance etc. Because in the words of one of my favorite bands "I want it all, and I want it now," just so happens to be the warcry of pwPDs everywhere.

LONG LIVE FREDDY MERCURY!!

One of my favorite Queen songs is
Spread Your Wings . For anyone who doesn't know the lyrics, here is a partial:

Sammy was low
Just watching the show
Over and over again
He knew it was time
He'd made up his mind
To leave his dead life behind
His boss said to him
"Boy, you'd better begin
To get those crazy notions
Right out of your head
Sammy, who do you think that you are?
You should have been sweeping up the Emerald Bar"
Spread your wings and fly away, sing it
Fly away, far away
Spread your little wings and fly away
Fly away, far away
Pull yourself together
'Cause you know you should do better
That's because you're a free man
He spends his evenings alone
In his hotel room
Keeping his thoughts to himself
He'd be leaving soon
Wishing he was miles and miles and miles away
Nothing in this world, nothing could make him stay
Since he was small
He had no luck at all
Nothing came easy to him
Now it was time
He'd made up his mind
"This could be my last chance"

Anyways, what you say about rational vs bats#it crazy irrationality is so spot on.  I think this disconnect is the source of much of our pain. It's truly i fathomable behavior.

[IRedW77]

deletedtrust:

You've got this, and your read of the situation is dead on IMHO.

I think learning the law is excellent advice. It's good advice for any situation really, but it makes lots of sense here.

It would be worth a few hundred dollars for the peace of mind of getting educated on the law, but there are probably other ways of getting what you need to know for free as well.

Most lawyers will offer free consultations before they take you as a client. You could probably get some good information just doing that.

Also there are legal aid clinics in most states that offer free legal advice.

Andeza:

Nice Queen reference. They were the first band that I started listening to when I really started listening to music as a teenager. I don't listen much anymore, but I still love all their music.

Liz1018:

News of the World

That album has some of my favorites.