Dealing with the guilt of moving away

[lemonpie]

Hi everyone, I'm a long time reader of this forum and want to thank you for sharing your experiences. It's really been so helpful especially through the dark days and for those days I've felt so alone. In short, I am NC with my uNPD father and FOO since January (this year) when my mother, who was on the verge of a breakdown, walked out on him. She stayed with me and my family till recently. It's been a long, hard journey but I had had enough of the verbal abuse and manipulation (I am the scapegoat and my brother the GC) that NC is the only way for me to safely maintain boundaries. Many of the experiences shared on here echo my experiences growing up and I guess my post today has been prompted because we have made the decision to move to another state/region, for many reasons. I can't deny that stopping the unannounced visits/stalking will really help.

The guilt I am now feeling has gone into overdrive that I'm struggling to rationalise my feelings and thoughts. I feel cruel and incredibly guilty that we will move without my father's knowledge (my mother is now living in her own place, he does not know where) or without my FOO knowing. I have a 4yo (who is not that close to my parents as I think I unknowingly shielded him from their drama) I'm not sure what I'm really looking for other than support or words of wisdom. I am very much riding the emotional waves of going no contact (first time).  Irrationally, I am so stressed that I'm going to get in trouble from him if I don't tell etc... we were brought up in a household controlled by his rage.

[Hepatica]

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sad that you are going through this but so proud of you for deciding to care for yourself and for shielding your child from the pain you've experienced with your dysfunctional father and FOO.

I wish I had the proper words and the perfect answer. What it comes down is the protection of yourself from harm and there is no guilt in that. That is the right move. I don't think you're being cruel. You're making the very difficult choice to save yourself knowing you cannot change your father or your FOO.

What I am certain of is you are doing the right move by putting as much distance as you can from it. I know this because I lived far away for ten years and then returned to the dysfunction (when I was uneducated about PD's) and I know that I was healthier and happier away from the toxic spin circle. They will drag you into it because they need people to play their game. I wish that I had not made the mistake moving back here. This AM I thought long and hard about moving away and the same thoughts went through my head about whether I would even tell my PD parents and sister about the move. It's a very hard decision. I don't know what I would do to be quite honest.

If your uNPD father is still capable of abuse then you are right to not tell him or the FOO anything. You must bolster your mind that this is a very hard decision but the right decision and strengthen yourself every day and anytime doubt creeps in. I think also trying to foresee every possible situation that will arise and how you will deal with it is a smart defence.  I find coming to this forum and watching Dr. Ramani Youtube videos help me realize the seriousness of PD's in our lives and that I am not just being selfish and judgemental, I am saving my own life.

We know that every interaction with a person who has a personality disorder harms us. We have to keep interactions at the most minimal level. Change phone numbers. Change email addresses. Only share info. with people you are absolutely certain are safe people. Keep your cards close.

For me it almost feels like what I imagine it is to leave a cult. I think having a good therapist is vital, who understands PD's and is educated about no contact and will support you implicitly.

At this point you don't have to do anything. Just keep your plans to yourself and take it hour by hour as you make the move.

And remember you really don't owe an abusive person ANYTHING. Even a parent. If they abuse you the natural consequence is they don't get you in their life.

[Boat Babe]

I think Hepatica hits the nail on the head when she compared PD abuse and cult abuse. They use the same tactics and cults are generally run by PDs.

I might do a little "light" reading on the psychology of cults.

[BettyGray]

“Cult” is exactly the right terminology. I never thought of it that way until someone on the forum made that comparison. Once I understood, everything cleared up. The power of the cult over its members is impenetrable to rationality and reason, which actually helps us realize it’s not our fault. They’re too far gone.

Your pangs of guilt are real, and sad to say, tough to shed. But over time you’ll feel less guilty. I promise.

My suggestion is to read or reread any posts here about how other members have dealt with the overwhelming guilt of early NC. There is nothing like the validation of our feelings and experiences when reading about others who have lived a similar nightmare. It surely transformed my life. Good luck to you. Please be kind to yourself as you jettison the heaviness of your burdens.

[lemonpie]

Thank you all for your replies and know they were read and reread several times. I just never knew how to reply or what to say. The guilt has been intense and difficult to bear at times but reading through many of your experiences and advice have helped a great deal and understanding the similarities with cults too makes a lot of sense. The isolation that comes from NC has been deafening especially during the holiday season but I feel like I can almost see the rainbow 🌈. We have since moved (to the other end of the country) and my narc dad has no idea (yet). I am trying to fight my inner critic almost by the minute today but I hope I can silence it long enough to enjoy Christmas. Happy holidays everyone 

[Boat Babe]

You have moved on time for Xmas. That's wonderful. Remember that a house move is incredibly stressful at the best of times, we've had Covid and you are going NC. Be immensely kind to yourself and don't overcommit. Ramp up the self care and get all the sleep you can.

As to the guilt you are inevitably feeling, there have been some great threads recently on both the parent and ageing parent boards. I've been haunting these recently myself!

Wishing you a wonderful, peaceful, emotionally healthy Christmas.

[TrueRefuge]

Welcome and happy holidays!

I think guilt is a really normal feeling when going NC, and for those of us who had an outwardly raging and dominant parent, then I think that fear of "getting in trouble" is totally normal too. I know I had it when I went NC with my father. I think of it as our little Inner Child, and a big step on this whole journey is to learn how to be a healthy parent to that inner child. Learn how to talk to that Inner Child, and what they need to feel safe. Over time, the guilt and fear of punishment will dissipate, I promise.

I'd also like to say, that like most fears, they often don't come true. I was so petrified when I confronted my father, but at the end of the day, what's the worst he can do? Say something mean? He's done that since I was a child. Hit me? I'll survive. Cut me off? I wanted that anyway?! Try putting it into perspective. The irony of all of our stories is this: if anyone can survive the trauma and horrible-ness of cutting off a parent, and the inevitable retaliation, it's people like us - we've been training for it our whole lives, and we're all the stronger for it.

Take care of yourself.

TrueRefuge

[BettyGray]

Lemon Pie,

Sounds like you have a decent amount of chaos going on right now. In the end it sounds like it will all be worth it. After this crazy year, at least you will have a fresh start in the New Year and a brand new place to begin making happy memories.

I'd also like to say, that like most fears, they often don't come true. I was so petrified when I confronted my father, but at the end of the day, what's the worst he can do? Say something mean? He's done that since I was a child. Hit me? I'll survive. Cut me off? I wanted that anyway?! Try putting it into perspective. The irony of all of our stories is this: if anyone can survive the trauma and horrible-ness of cutting off a parent, and the inevitable retaliation, it's people like us - we've been training for it our whole lives, and we're all the stronger for it.

Spot on. What’s the worst they can really do to me? I am an adult woman, free to live my life as I see fit.

I too had that fear of messing something up, making any tiny mistake. It led to an almost pathological need for everything to be perfect. When I first had my business, I was so terrified of upsetting a client or making a mistake that I would get really upset with myself over even the smallest errors. I felt like a complete failure. So much energy tied into pleasing others and worrying about every little misstep.

Awhile after I went NC, it faded a bit at a time . One day I just kind of of noticed  it wasn’t there any more. I became much more forgiving of my mistakes and got a ton more laid back. Why had I put so much pressure on myself? Oh, right....

Whether or not you realize, you are already on the other side of this. From here, it’s just a matter of continuing to put it all behind you. I think when we first go NC, we are too consumed by intense emotions that we don’t think about or even consider what wonderful possibilities are ahead for us. 

You are cutting a malignant tumor out of your life. Healing will happen at its own pace. You will need to take as good a care of your mental/emotional state as you would your body after major surgery.

One thing that struck me in the beginning and I still think about is that I had never had any concept of life without them. What would it be like? I was already cutting destructive things out of my life: drinking; unrequited, exhausting “friendships;” nasty clients whose BS I just didn’t need.

Who would I be without all that chaos?  I am still finding out. I never imagined a direction without them in my life. I didn’t think it was an option. Everything is better for me than it was 5 years ago.
If we can all make it out of this horrid year, we can focus on rebuilding new, improved versions of ourselves.