How Not Win Friends and Influence People

[Starboard Song]

We are 5 years NC from my in-laws. Our DS has always gotten mail every month or so during this time. But we hadn't had anything addressed to us since the beginning of 2018. Until recently.

We got a letter a while back about wanting to be on better terms, or whatever, but also insisting everything they ever wrote about us was true. Today we got a big box with crap from their attic. The letter basically used snide langauge to compliment us on insulting and hurting her in every way that we could find.

You know, if you send a letter claiming to want improved relations, it would encourage me to believe you if you didn't follow up with insults and snide attacks. I encouraged my wife to plan now to deposit all future boxes -- for she says more is coming -- directly in the trash. It all fails the Marie Kondo test anyway. It is stuff we haven't seen, missed, or thought about in 20 years.

My wife is strong. I am angry. We are both resolute. This is no time to compromise with someone who doesn't know right from wrong.

Y'all be strong. Y'all be good.

[TwentyTwenty]

It's sort of like receiving an exploding cigar from an enemy that expects that you're gonna light it..   

[Ziggy52]

Hi Starboard Song,

I understand your anger. I went through something similar. Absolutely beware of going through boxes like that—your decision not to is very wise. In my case, there were several boxes, in which my parents hid "surprises" for me to find as I went through them;

-a Christmas card me, my husband and our kids had given them a few years prior where I'd written "We love you!"
-an envelope containing our house key and a message demanding theirs back (I ignored their request, threw out their key, and changed all our locks)
-my wedding dress, which my mother had literally insisted on storing for me (I donated it to charity. I had no room to store it, and she'd picked it out)
-a painting I'd made and given to them

In my case, there were things I wanted to keep, so it was sort-of worth going through. Admittedly, the surprises stung at the time. Now, the manipulation of it all seems obvious and immature. At the time, it reinforced why I knew I had to go NC.

It's likely what your in-laws are after most is the satisfaction of knowing you were forced to think about them. Knowing that doesn't necessarily make it easier. I'm sorry you're having to acknowledge it, even just to throw it away.

[SunnyMeadow]

You know, if you send a letter claiming to want improved relations, it would encourage me to believe you if you didn't follow up with insults and snide attacks. 

Exactly! My uNPD mother sends her child truly terrible, long emails listing everything done wrong TO HER by this sibling. Yet she is angry these letters haven't resulted in a relationship with my sibling.

Not very bright, are they?

[treesgrowslowly]

Starboard,

Right out of the NPD playbook that all is...your writing about it is right on the mark.

Those of us who grew up with these disordered parents grew up with this misery... from early on. Imagine being 4 or 5 years old and trying to make sense of this nonsense...!!

You put it well- it fails the marie kondo test. I love that.

Adult children of narc parents can rarely succeed at explaining to others that yep...this is the sort of thing our parents have been doing our entire lives.

Its the backhanded compliment taken to the highest level-  "look how nice we are being ...oh by the way here are some insults to you as well...". Very NPD.

The whole "here I'm going to do something kind / help you...oh also you are a terrible person and I am mad at you" switcheroo they always do (a letter saying they want peace that goes on to contain hurtful insults is pathetically familiar to me) is classic NPD parenting.

I agree, those boxes of FOG need to go far away!

From what I've lived through with PDs they do tend to send stuff a few years later. About 2-3 years after NC they will reappear and ignore the past and behave the same way they always have. In my case they tended to have some folks in their ear filling their heads with ideas that they are right to do these types of things. Its not hard for then to find enablers who tell them "yeah you should send Starboard and wife a box of FOG!".

My guess is you may see a few more attempts like this on their part over the next few years...and as you know, your FOC will get through it. 

Trees

[Starboard Song]

Box #2 has arrived.

I left the room, but my wife poured through it. I think it all went into the trash then. I'm really not sure and really don't care. It pushed my buttons, because I am so dedicated to the belief that words have meaning and you should always be able to persuade.

[Fortuna]

I feel for you. I imagine you inclination to just trash it is for the best. Before going NC with my mom she was mad(The silent mad that she never actually told me about but just had to punish me for kind of mad) that I gave her back a book that had some mentions of her ancestors in it because I was de-cluttering and hadn't opened it in 20 years. So she decided to de-clutter her office and kept stopping by to give me things I might want. It wasn't until the fifth or sixth time I realized everything she sent me was me, or my husband or my kids, photos, news clippings, cards whatever, like she was trying to make me hurt because she was 'getting rid of me' through the papers. I kept some of the ones where I'd given her the better photo or they were from her camera, but I mostly found the whole thing funny.

[DistanceNotDefense]

You know, if you send a letter claiming to want improved relations, it would encourage me to believe you if you didn't follow up with insults and snide attacks. I encouraged my wife to plan now to deposit all future boxes -- for she says more is coming -- directly in the trash. It all fails the Marie Kondo test anyway. It is stuff we haven't seen, missed, or thought about in 20 years.

My wife is strong. I am angry. We are both resolute. This is no time to compromise with someone who doesn't know right from wrong.

That's for sure. This is exactly what some of my hoovers look like from my own FOO: an "appeal for relations" (if you could even call it that) followed immediately by jabs, both outright and covert.

That's the only point of relationality with some of them, I realize. Is getting in that "jab." Reminding you of your role and their entitlement to use you as something like an electrical outlet for their pain.

I had really hoped my family wasn't like this and actually this toxic under all the wrappings. But I'm realizing that's exactly how they are like, particularly with me.

I sometimes wonder, how in the hell did I ever develop a sense of right and wrong when I was raised by these people?!

If you were a close friend going through this and telling me about it, I would have your back 100% on you and your wife's decision.

[Starboard Song]

And now we are on to #3. This was actually a card to my DS18. It was a emotional blackmail, top to bottom.

He threw it straight into the garbage. Actually retreived it after a minute to let us see it and then took it back to his room to throw it away again. When it wasn't emotional blackmail it was pulling at his heartstrings with old pictures and references to the fact that they won't live forever.

Jeez.

I am officially posting this here to keep myself from lashing out. They haven't received a word of feedback in any manner for years and I will not be baited into it now. I certainly won't drag my son into it by reaching out now.

But this gets us to about 5 pieces of mail recently, and it is under my skin. I really need a bad guy I can argue with to get this off my chest, know what I mean?

[bloomie]

Starboard Song  - you are strong, good, kind and true. You will not stoop to responding and your beautiful family will move through this, love each other, process it and be the contended and happy people you are. Bonded by love and tenderness.

The best argument you can ever have is the wisdom and resilience of silence. Echoing across the miles, we don't give a hairy rat's ass, silence. That kind of silence. You've got this!

[DistanceNotDefense]

But this gets us to about 5 pieces of mail recently, and it is under my skin. I really need a bad guy I can argue with to get this off my chest, know what I mean?

Write a big long message of what you want to say to your in-laws....

...and then don't send it! This has made me feel better.

You've got this

[Free2Bme]

These situations make me wonder do people like Starboard's in-laws (and my M) ever proof their letters before sending?  WTH, when I write a letter, I will read over it and think about how it would sound to the recipient, bearing in mind the other person, nature of the relationship, etc.  I sift through and edit/rephrase things that may be rude, offensive, sarcastic, guilting, etc.  because I don't want to be know for this type of communication.   But of course this has to do with empathy, the ability to relate to what another person is feeling.  In these cases, it's either the absence of empathy or the presence of malice (or both), along with total self absorption.  IME, PD's are notorious for contradicting statements, like-  sticking to their guns about all of their previous positions, while also saying they want to be on better terms ...

Quote from the Marie Kondo website (KonMari),  "Keep only those things that speak to the heart, and discard items that no longer spark joy."
-boundaries with stuff.

Hmmm....  one could say, "Keep only those relationships that speak to the heart, and discard those that bring abuse, pain, guilt, despair, and confusion."
-boundaries with people.

I'm not comparing people with objects, but there is something to say about objectively looking at toxic people and deciding if it is healthy to let them remain in our lives, a lesson I am slow to learn.

Hope #2 will be the last box and your family can put this in the rearview.
~peace.

[Spring Butterfly]

Starboard, the title of this thread is priceless!

Trees, boxes of FOG  so on point!

Free2Bme, that whole first paragraph is spot on and definitely relate to your comparison of terms cleaning out relationships

I am officially posting this here to keep myself from lashing out. They haven't received a word of feedback in any manner for years and I will not be baited into it now. I certainly won't drag my son into it by reaching out now.

But this gets us to about 5 pieces of mail recently, and it is under my skin. I really need a bad guy I can argue with to get this off my chest, know what I mean?

Yes I can definitely relate and think it's wise that you post here to get it off your chest out from under your skin.

Like so many of you I received the same sort of thing and in two distinct waves.

The first wave was after some offhanded comment about my cleanup, simplifying and decluttering. Long story but apparently uPDm took offense for whatever PD reason and proceeded to declutter and give me back everything that was supposedly mine including broken pieces of whatever she had lying around that were never mine.

They "cleverly" attempted to disguise it as gift bags  I kid you not they actually wrapped their junk as a gift

When they would give me the next box I'd look through it and hand it back and just say not my stuff.

The second wave backfired big time because it included letters and gifts from my childhood. It was intended to tug at my heartstrings and make my inner child go running back to Mommy because look how nice things were. When I read the letters and looked at the items all I saw was my child self trying so desperately to please her mother who was impossible to please.

It actually served as a therapeutic release as I hugged my inner child and told her I am very happy to receive these gifts from her and I thanked her and we walked away

Starboard, I'm wishing your entire family much strength and feel free to vent here as much on as often as needed!