I think my SIL may have a PD

[Stepping lightly]

Hi All,

This is my first post in this section, I have been active on the co-parenting forum for awhile.  My husbands exW is PD and we have had a very high conflict custody situation.  Because of that, I have become pretty well versed on PD behaviors.

Issues with my SIL (brother's wife) have been getting increasingly worse over the last several years.  She's always been "difficult" and easily annoyed/offended, but it's gotten so bad that we are all truly "walking on eggshells" around her.   There are constant claims that she is the scapegoat in her ENTIRE extended family across all generations.  She has a terrible relationship with her own parents and there is very little contact between her and her brother.   I have written off a lot of the red flags and accepted my brother's excuses for her nastiness, "she's going through menopause", "she is depressed and started a new medication" etc. etc. etc.  The behaviors reached a level over Christmas where I felt I had to pull my brother aside and have a heart to heart about what was happening.  This discussion was extremely eye opening, and heart breaking.  Based on the additional information and experiences he told me about, I feel there is a very good chance SIL may have a PD. 

This was my "coming Out of the FOG" and it is really heartbreaking for me.  Understanding what my brother is trying to manage and knowing he likely doesn't know the possibility this is a PD is really difficult.  I don't want to overstep because I adore my brother and don't want to damage the relationship.  SIL apparently has a lot of ill feelings against me (which I suspected, but finding that out as fact was also a bit devastating). When my brother told me this, it shed a lot of light on past experiences with SIL. 

I am not in the phase of trying to figure out how to go forward.  Do I just try to distance myself from SIL at family gatherings?  They don't ever initiate getting together, I always do and they make it an extremely painful process by not responding, responding really late, NEVER showing up on time- usually several hours late.  Basically- I initiate the request and then they hold me hostage all along the way.  I realized everything I say is being used to show I am "a know-it-all", "a showoff", "I think I am better than her" etc.etc.etc.  I know anything I say will be twisted, so do I just keep my distance? 

Any advice is appreciated.   I guess the good thing is my brother has come a bit clean about what is happening, so I am hoping he knows he has support.  As I mentioned, we have been dealing with an extreme PD situation for years- obviously DH went through similar situations- so we have empathy for what is happening.  It's just now I realize it's not a short term "menopausal rage", but a lifetime of PD behavior ahead   

[notrightinthehead]

Medium chill will serve you well with your SIL and being honest and truthful to your brother will be a blessing for him.
Also read up about boundaries, you don't need to allow them to take you hostage. You can make your own plans. If they come they come. If they don't they don't.

[Hilltop]

Yes you distance from her and stop initiating contact.  Perhaps catch up with your brother for a coffee just the two of you.  Then if the same behaviour continues you will know its not just SIL.  A lot of that behaviour would have been avoided if your own brother had of contacted you, it is not SIL's fault he didn't respond or turned up late for several hours, he is just as responsible as her probably even more so considering it is his family.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi!  Thanks for the input, it is very much appreciated.

Medium chill is definitely a go! 

It's difficult because I just realized what we are dealing with- I was "in the fog", I knew the behaviors and the idea of a PD was dancing around the edges of my mind.  When I talked to my brother and he gave me some more information of what was happening behind the scenes, it was literally like a light bulb moment. 

Part of my concern is that they have children that I want to continue a relationship with, and my stepchildren are very close to their cousins (all the same ages). Nobody else in the family actually understands that she is likely a PD.  Everyone is under the assumption she is "just depressed", or she's "on new meds", or "she's going through early menopause".  All things that could contribute to some of the behaviors, but when I saw the full picture....it was a very different story.  And having our lives turned upside down by a PD for years (DH's XW), the parallels are just so glaring.

It was interesting, my brother and the kids visited this week (they live 15 minutes away) without SIL, because she is quarantined pending an upcoming surgery.  The kids were so different- engaged, relaxed.   I am treading very lightly (stepping lightly...haha) because I am not sure my brother is ready for the reality that this is not some temporary situation, and I don't want to at all influence their relationship with the rest of my family.  So- medium chill it is.

[bloomie]

Stepping lightly - how wise to be cautious in what/how/when/if you share the insights you have about the possibility that your sil could be showing PD traits. And how honorable to realize the influence and impact you could have on your FOO's perceptions and relationship with the rest of your family and to be ever so careful with it. That shows a great deal of integrity and respect for the relationship your sil and brother have as man and wife.

Some people are part of our life package - and you know this only too well having dealt with sharing children with an ex who is PD. Going NC with them when we share much loved other family members is not our first choice or even a possible action. But, making adjustments with what we can control... which is always only us, is reasonable and doable.

I have a sil who is as slick and sly and covert as they come who has been the catalyst for undue heartbreak and divisions in my in law family and extended family. And we share a vulnerable elderly family member and until that is no longer the case I have found ways to distance myself and use gray rock and MC and other strategies when I cannot avoid gatherings.

I call it putting on beige. I am calm, kind, cordial and contained as I would be to anyone at a social gathering. I do not share anything personal. I do not have one on one conversations with her that can and will be used against me. I do not react or respond to provocative behaviors or statements. I occupy myself elsewhere - I play with the kids, get busy in the kitchen... anything to quietly get lost in the crowd if at all possible.

And I zip my lips and put an imaginary kevlar vest over my heart. Any communication between us... which is rare and only via text... I include my DH and my enbil so that everything is open to everyone and we all know what was actually said.

In terms of invitation and initiating contact... your hospitality is being seen as showing off or superior - know that painful false and unfair judgment only too well in my own in law dynamic - invite them if you want (or don't) and tell yourself something a very wise hero member says..."What another person thinks of me is none of my business". That alone has been one of the healthiest internal boundaries I have ever learned to set for myself.

You are not held hostage when you say something like... "Having people in for NYE. Corks popping at 5 dinner at 6. Hope you can join us." And then Drop. The. Rope. 

I avoid putting myself in the position of needing anything from my own oppositional, rivalrous, histrionic sil. If she perceives any kind of a power play or opportunity for some supply, a simple need on my part... she will draw it out and make things miserable if I let her. Don't give her this opportunity.

If they don't respond... or if they get there late... you are eating at 6. So, when they arrive and you are all eating or finishing up eating...there is the food help yourself. You are Your energy is elsewhere. 

I don't know about you, but people in my home are treated with great respect and value. I am warm and welcoming and gracious. All good until a divisive and envious person comes into the warmth and security of my home bringing chaos and confusion and drama seeking. Learning to adjust the level of warmth I show and turn it down to cool, polite, beige has been a challenge for me.

And with a person with strong N tendencies any cooling or lack of engagement may be difficult for them to handle. At least that was my experience. But, that is a story for another day.

I am so sorry for the pain it is to find someone you have shown generosity to and abundant love has held you being you against you. It is very hard to then be in close proximity to them. I so get it.

Sending you strength and a little virtual beige outfit and imaginary kevlar vest to have in your toolset!

[Stepping lightly]

Thank you so much Bloomie!!  Your post was so extremely helpful.  I love the phrase "putting on my beige", I will use that!  I love my virtual toolset!

When I realized SIL was likely PD, my brain started spiraling to past instances where there were issues.  DH loves to cook, I love to have people over, and all of those efforts were perceived so differently.  Now I know, and now I see all the times I stepped right into the situation to give her a reason to have issue with us.  Knowing is half the battle.  At Thanksgiving, we hosted the holiday (based on certain circumstances with other family members), but I knew SIL/brother wanted people at their house as well.  I suggested we all go to dinner at their house on Friday if they wanted to host.  Because I suggested it, and because they are always "so incredibly busy", I offered up bringing over the Thanksgiving leftovers as sides to make it an easy and relaxed get together.  I mean, looking back....from a PD perspective, I stepped all over every issue she has with me.  I mean...Whooooops!  I get it now, putting on beige and not getting into the middle of planning.  It IS hard to let go (but I will), I am the only daughter, and since my mother passed away I have been the "family coordinator" because my father/brothers don't usually coordinate holidays/visits etc.

They invited us for NYE (which shocked me), we accepted the invite but I am struggling with whether or not we go.  I feel like I need to to support my brother, but am a bit spent emotionally from the chaos of Thanksgiving/Christmas.  Maybe a good chance to wear beige.