Do you feel like you're going to destroy something by leaving?

[Prototypian]

This question goes out to those who want to leave but haven't:.

First, my friends are in three camps:. 1) those who wholly support and advocate for me to leave
2) those who have stopped being my friends because I have not left and
3) those who are completely unaware that anything is wrong at all (the majority)

My kids alternate between happy and fun and hiding upstairs when their mom blows up at them or all of us.   

I've been married 27 years.   I had no idea there was a fog until about three years ago when I broke emotionally.

The major, primary and likely only reason I haven't left is that I feel like leaving would destroy some sort of foundation that can't be fixed.   As a couple we have no debt.   We own the home we share l, a second home in the same town, I recently purchased an apartment/business in a town in another state that's he doesn't know about that is a business loan but it's completely manageable with the existing retail tenant and I use consulting to pay the note.    That's tmi, but I am sharing that it's not finances that keeps me in the marriage.   This woman has not let me or the kids hug her in many years, there is no hand holding, no intimacy, no talking, no nice notes or texts, massive hoarding, a singular focus above all else on her volunteer role as a local politician (elected) to the point that her behavior is influenced by it.   

I'm Catholic; I don't miss mass, I participate, I believe and I feel I'm choosing to leave a marriage against the "in sickness and in health" part.

Truth is, I'm 50 and I want to live without the bizarre drama but I don't want to tear apart my kids lives and watch things fall apart.   I don't have a plan even though I've tried to have one.   I think I'm somehow looking for a way to get out of this without any ripple effects which feels almost like an inverse PD reaction (all or nothing thinking).

I'm a hard core scientist and mathematician for a career and I track my depression.   First, I never had depression until I was married to her.   Second, the major depression episodes that lead to self harm ideation have been occurring more frequently when I plot them out over time from my journals.   I've shared this with her and that brought no changes.   She is about to undergo another campaign for her political world.   That campaign three years ago is what landed me in an institution with my family intervening.   

I'm a planner and I feel like I need a plan beyond "just leave" because I need to make decisions.   I'm facing a person who will go to an ultimate length of near violence to prove she is right on a point that deals with how many inches the trash cans are away from the curb.   Her father left her mother 25 years ago and even though he died two years ago at Christmas she never gave him an ounce of forgiveness.   In fact I have never been forgiven for any transgressions of things as simple as rearranging my office or throwing away a political ad that came in the mail stays as a reminder that is brought up for many years.    She remains filled with vitriol toward my sisters for taking me to counseling and a hospital when I had ideation and has no sense of her own impact on that meas.  Leaving her would result in a depth of anger that I'm really scared of.   I'm scared of it for the kids, I'm scared of it for me and I'm scared of it for her.

The single reason I haven't left is the deep fear of this mess that would be made of what exists now and I haven't been able to overcome that.

Does anyone else have that deep fear?

Merry Christmas!

[Stillirise]

You asked this of those who haven't left their spouse yet.  I have separated, but I can also say yes, I spent a very long time in that deep fear of leaving.

In a situation like this, there will always be unknown variables. I think that is the root of the fear.  We can't control for the variables we can't see.

I broke it down in my science mind into  simple binary parts, focused on the kids....

2 parent stable home—impossible with current variables (us)
2 parent unstable home—current dreadful situation

When I reduced variables to 2 separate, 1 parent homes, there is now a stable home for 1/2 the time.  With my variables, it is considerably more than 1/2 the time, as he isn't really interested in parenting more than EOW.

Yes, you are destroying something big.  For me, the true questions are, "if it isn't fixed now, (20 years for me), can it ever be?" "Is it even worth saving?" and "Can I build something better on my own, or at the bare minimum, not worse?" 

I literally drew this on a piece of paper, like an equation, and made my decision.  It still took months.  In the end, there was no "ideal" time.  I had to abandon my logical brain, and literally dive head-first into the fear.  I was physically ill on the way to the lawyer's office, to sign the paperwork.  I still have moments of intense fear, of not knowing what comes next.  However, it is a much more manageable situation now, than before.

Also, I get the Catholic guilt.  I came to terms with the fact that my stbx stopped holding up his end of the vows a long time ago.  If you aren't being loved, honored, etc., your wife hasn't held them up either. You have been emotionally and physically abandoned by your wife.  At that point, I believe we are expected to put our children first.  That brings me back to my variables in the 1st equation.

I've been following your story. You sound like a kind, decent, honest man.  Best wishes to you, and your children.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Poison Ivy]

One of the things I had to give up (destroy, if you will) when I got a divorce was the illusion that I could save my husband and our marriage. I couldn't save either one. Admitting that to myself and to the rest of the world was difficult. But getting the divorce was worth the loss of the image I wanted to project: as the all-powerful, always loyal, always wonderful woman who wouldn't break the marriage vows.

[Free2Bme]

I'm watching this this evening, this Dr.Ramani series pertains to what you've been describing jsinjin...


here go: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=Lt56nGmGG-0&list=PLG1WzYaHQeh5y3dwgHWvLpeyr7uK1_nOd&index=2&t=0s

[notrightinthehead]

I was terrified of my H. His explosions were so cruel and unpredicable that I could not think clearly in his presence. I moved out over several years, gone for several months, back to marital home, gone again...Every time I was without him I felt such relief. 
I have been NC for two years now.  I felt really low for many months, depressed, furious at him for his treatment of me and at myself for letting him do so, furious with myself for not standing up for myself.  I have blocked him on my phone. Any emails that bring news from him cause days of terror and anxiety for me.  Thankfully the periods I feel so unsettled emotionally are getting shorter. I also had great support from a few friends and a CoDA group.
My children and I celebrated Xmas together this year. It was a peaceful, pleasant, happy time.  For the first time in their life there was no drama created by their father,  we just enjoyed each others' company and spent quality time with each other. That made me realize that my life has really gotten better since I left.
I think you will do well to prepare yourself for some difficult times should you decide to leave.  It would be good to have support as you might have to do some painful emotional de-toxing and growing. However,  you already know what will happen if you stay. That frightens you a lot. You don't know what will happen if you change something. Why could that be more frightening?

[1footouttadefog]

There are issues with you veing a committed Chatholic that are similar to my upbringing in the Southern Baptist denomination.  I will encourage you to seek whst the Bible says and not wuat man teaches.  Not an easy subject to be sure.

Being separated for your health is not the same as divorce. 

Its difficult to divide sickness from character disorder and sin.  I have diubts all the time as to wuat is wuat with my spouse.  I habe decided however I do not have to enable sin and that doing so is wrong.  If I can avoud enabling sin by putting up boundaries ir removing myself from the equation I do. Not being available for or willing to participate in lies is where I am at.  I no longer pretend things are good and no longer cover for or try to defend or dimminish the consequences if my spouses pd actions.

Tale care of you and maintain your integrity while you navigate this very complicated pd mess. 

[Lauren17]

Yes. (My short answer to your title question)
I, too, am very science/math minded. I am a planner. I don't have enough friends anymore to fit into three categories, but those I have are all in your category 3. My kids, too, vary between happy and engaged and hiding in their rooms.  I don't get hugs anymore. uBPDh stopped hugs many years ago. And he made a game with the kids, so now they run away any time I try to hug them.  I am financially stable, so that isn't a roadblock to a divorce.  I'm a cradle Catholic, but I've fallen away as H doesn't approve of me going to church.
Yes, I'm terrified of destroying something by leaving.
About a month ago, in the midst of silent treatment, I had my "I can't live this way anymore" moment.
Now I'm planning. I'm working through understanding the steps of a divorce. I'm reading as much as I can on how to mitigate impacts of divorce on the kids. I'm  working out out a budget. And a timeline with how dates on it. Soon, I'll work up the nerve to contact and attorney. I'm hoping that once I have knowledge and a plan, I can make a better decision on when to implement it.
I recommend finding a T, arming yourself with knowledge, and then following your gut. That's my current plan, at least.
And keep posting here, we are all here to back each other up.

[Kat54]

While you are worried that leaving will upend everything and would be destroying your family. It seems also looking at what your wife has done to her family, you, your children. Her craziness alone has already helped to destroy your family. Its already falling apart.  You now need to save whats left.
Your kids hiding upstairs from her explosions. Is this worth saving you have to ask yourself?

I've now been divorced since July. This past Christmas holiday my kids came to my home. We hugged, had some wine, opened gifts by the fire, had a great dinner, and lots of laughs, watched a funny Christmas movie.  When they left to go back home where they live with their dad, I cried.  I cried because It was the nicest day, no yelling or screaming, no anger. It was relaxing and truly an enjoyable day.

You are a good decent man it sounds like.  I hope one day you can have happiness and peace also as you do deserve that in your life. Keep moving forward to your happiness.

[Medowynd]

There is nothing left to destroy.  Your wife has destroyed your life and the lives of your children.  You can leave with no guilt, because the damage is so extensive, so permanent and so destructive, that there is nothing to build on.  Your children will do nothing but thank you when you remove the pd mother out of their lives.  Catholic or any religion, God does not expect to live with abusers.  Take a look at 2Tim 3:2-5.  The instructions are clear on what to do with people that are abusive, unforgiving, etc.  We are told to have nothing to do with them.  There is no exclusion clause for marriage.

[pushit]

There's no denying that you leaving would be a huge upheaval to what the kids and your wife are used to.  But is the present situation a good, healthy upbringing for the kids?  Destroying a bad situation is a healthy move.

Remember the old saying "when a door closes, another one opens".  Don't think about it as if you're destroying something, that makes you the guilty party and the "bad" one.  Negative self talk.  Instead, reframe your thinking.  Look at it as if you are creating the opportunity for you and your kids to live freely as yourselves. 

I can relate, I had these same feelings a few years ago.  Fast forward to now - I spent the last week with my kids and witnessed so much laughter and happiness that never would have happened while I was with my ex.  I'm talking like belly laughter until you can't stop, snorting, and constantly joking with each other.  These are the same kids that used to throw up all the time, scream, throw tantrums, and slam their doors to keep others out.  The transformation is amazing, and I don't regret destroying my "marriage" for a moment.