Deciding to go no contact with a narcissistic father

[lazyenby]

I just posted in the Welcome Mat thread, but my primary focus here is going No Contact with my narcissistic father.

I recently started seeing a new therapist after the loss of a family member, but very quickly started tackling long-standing personal issues and depression due to a narcissistic father and years of emotional abuse. It was incredibly validating to hear the therapist immediately call him out as a narcissist and to understand that yes, I was abused.

Nothing was ever good enough for him, and he had violent tendencies. He didn't necessarily beat me, but he used spanking as punishment and he did slap me a couple times (even once "as a joke" when I was an adult). He also threw/broke things when they weren't put away, and there was a lot of yelling and belittling. I've hated him my entire life, and every "I love you" was a lie. I also feared him quite a lot, even after the physical punishments had stopped.

I was grateful when my father finally left my mom when I was in middle school, but his presence still loomed over my life. While in high school, my sister and I hated having to visit with him, and would constantly ignore his calls. That only made things worse, and we'd be yelled at nearly every other phone call. Luckily, the older I've gotten (I'm now in my late 20's) the less contact we've had. But even though we live in different states and I rarely have to deal with him, texts at holidays still trigger anger and hurt. Receiving "Happy Thanksgiving, I'm grateful for you" sent me into a rage. How dare he pretend to have a relationship with me?! Why is he bothering with these pointless texts? If he wants a relationship with me why doesn't he actually try to make amends?? It never occurred to me until recently that I could just cut him off... or maybe I was too scared. But thanks to the suggestion of my therapist, I'm now planning to send him a final notice of "do not contact me" before I block him. I had tried to let him get the hint by not responding to the few texts he's sent these last few months. I even purposefully ignored his birthday at the start of this month. But he's tried a couple times to call recently, so I think it's time to officially pull the plug.

What I would really love to do it actually tell him off. Air out all my grievances and tell him how awful a parent he was and tell him how he treats people in general is abhorrent. But... if he's a true narcissist, what's the point? It's not like he'll have some AH HA! moment and turn a new leave and seek out therapy. He'll likely deny it all and tell me I'm ungrateful or I'm too sensitive or I don't know what the real world is like or I didn't have it all that bad or some gibberish like that. But since he didn't get the hint that I'm not talking to him, I should make it clear that it's a purposeful withdrawal and I would like to tell him something about why that is the case. Something more than "You're toxic, I'm blocking you, kthxbai." But it's hard to find the words for a short and not-so-sweet goodbye.

My therapist also mentioned that he'll likely try to rope other people into the drama, and my words may be shared with other family members. While I wasn't going to be doing a bunch of unnecessary name calling, I do want to be extra mindful that my words can't be taken too vaguely or in bad taste. I'm not super close to my grandparents or aunts/uncles on his side, but I don't want my brothers (who have better relationships with him than I do) to judge me for the decision. Ugh, it's just all so... weird... to finally be making this decision, and not knowing what to say.

[Boat Babe]

I really understand the desire to tell him exactly how abusive he has been all these years.  It will, unfortunately, fall on deaf ears. That is what is so frustrating about people with PDs, they just don't get it.

I would go ahead with your NC plans and concentrate on your own healing and personal growth and development. That's plenty to be getting on with and you will eventually get to  as far as he's concerned.

Toxic people end up bitter, twisted and alone. That's their karma and they are welcome to it.

Hugs to you and looking forward to hearing from you here as you navigate this new and positive part of your life.

[Hepatica]

hi lazyenby,

I just want to say hi and good job for sharing and releasing some of that frustration, which all of us really understand here. The good thing is we can release it by writing, as you have and by talking to safe people, like our therapists. Thankfully there are lots more people becoming educated and empathetic to toxicity and personality disorder.  There seems to be a monumental shift about what is unacceptable behaviour by parents, and an acceptance that they don't get a free pass, just because they're our parents. But not as much as a shift as I'd like sometimes. So thankfully this forum helps to release that pent up anger and receive the proper support.

The problem with engaging with PD's and telling them is they are so good at being a$$holes, it is their default mode and they won't give us the response we need for healing. They will gaslight, or blame or get more angry or enlist the flying monkeys and we end up having to recover from the exchange while these people carry on feeling like they got the win. They fight dirty. That's what we know and it's so not worth it engaging with them.

The best thing is to find the way to express your anger that will not put you in the middle of a fight again, like use a journal, or get a punching bag and say it to the punching bag. It's excellent that you've got a therapist who "gets" this.

When it comes to someone you know is an abuser, the best action is to back away and move out of his control. Knowing what he is, is the first step and then accepting it is the second. They do not like being out of control. It is really the one and only move I've found that works with my NPD father.

It is unfair that we have to heal from what they do that harmed us. That part is really painful for me. It's been so many years of me continuing to abuse myself and not really knowing how to navigate the world because I have had so much shame. That part makes me sad. I don't know what to say about it other than, at least removing the abuser from my life gave me back my self-respect and the potential to live a life that is better than my NPD father's life. They really aren't happy people. They live to calculate and gain power over others. It's not living.

Now I get to create my best life and putting my energy there feels much better and more attainable than trying to engage with my father.

[lazyenby]

Toxic people end up bitter, twisted and alone. That's their karma and they are welcome to it.

Hugs to you and looking forward to hearing from you here as you navigate this new and positive part of your life.

I don't normally wish ill on people, but I really do hope karma works it's stuff real good on him. And thank you for your kind words <3

It is unfair that we have to heal from what they do that harmed us. That part is really painful for me. It's been so many years of me continuing to abuse myself and not really knowing how to navigate the world because I have had so much shame. That part makes me sad. I don't know what to say about it other than, at least removing the abuser from my life gave me back my self-respect and the potential to live a life that is better than my NPD father's life. They really aren't happy people. They live to calculate and gain power over others. It's not living.

Now I get to create my best life and putting my energy there feels much better and more attainable than trying to engage with my father.

What you said really resonates with me, especially recognizing the shame. And I do believe I will earn myself some much needed self respect from this decision, though I didn't have the words to describe it until you said it. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm glad you're on the road to healing as well!

---------------------------------------------

Given that today is New Years Eve, I'm feeling emboldened to send him a message and block him today. Start the new year knowing I've put him behind me, you know?
This is what I've got so far:

[dad's name]
Stop reaching out to me. We don't have a relationship and I don't want that to change. You're a toxic person and each interaction with you is a reminder that you never treated me the way I deserved. I am finally setting a boundary that you will no longer be a part of my life. I will be blocking your number, so don't bother sending a response.

Any thoughts?

[Maxtrem]

The message you want to send is short and to the point. It is not mean and states your point of view. On the other hand, I don't think there is any good or bad text to send to a narc, he will always be the poor victim and is not likely to change... I can understand you being stressed!

P-s: My mother once told me that the Christmas cards I used to make her when I was a child were just a text that I had memorized and devoid of love. I was a child, I used to make the effort to draw cards and write a little text, but then as a child I didn't have a literary style evolved enough to flatter her ego...   

[Boat Babe]

That's so sad Maxtrem. I have a box of all the lovely cards etc that my son made me when he was little. I treasure them. We are the people that broke the chain of family dysfunction and truly love our kids. We rock!

[lazyenby]

The message you want to send is short and to the point. It is not mean and states your point of view. On the other hand, I don't think there is any good or bad text to send to a narc, he will always be the poor victim and is not likely to change... I can understand you being stressed!

P-s: My mother once told me that the Christmas cards I used to make her when I was a child were just a text that I had memorized and devoid of love. I was a child, I used to make the effort to draw cards and write a little text, but then as a child I didn't have a literary style evolved enough to flatter her ego...   

I appreciate the understanding, it is very stressful. And that's awful about your mom. It's heartbreaking when nothing is ever good enough for them.

----------------------------

And it just got more stressful for me, because last night I called my older brother just to give him a heads up about the dynamic, but to also ask him to be a point of contact if there's ever an emergency with my grandparents. That way I could get important info from him if it's being fed from our father. But bro had a few opinions of his own, which put me in a state of confusion. My therapist had offered this cut and dry scenario regarding cutting him off. She made it clear that sending a long letter about how he hurt me wouldn't help and he'd just get defensive. She said in general, narcs don't change. Honestly, even if he did take it to heart, I wouldn't want any relationship with him. It's too far gone, you know? Too much damage has been dealt.

But bro thinks the "adult" thing to do would be allow my father the chance to respond. To allow both of us "respectable, mature" closure. I tried to get him to understand that I don't respect my dad enough to think he deserves closure. And bro thinks it might be best to offer him more than a goodbye and tell him why his behavior really hurt me. I said it wouldn't help anything, I just want to be rid of him. Bro said he's had hard conversations with our father which did illicit some change in him, even if it took some time. And he said writing an explanation would be the good thing to do for the other people in my life who still deal with him. That last one got me, and now I'm all jumbled up. I was so sure before that I wanted to send that message I had already written, but now I'm wondering if it's worth actually writing him a longer letter/email.

[BettyGray]

Hi Lazyenby and Happy New Year!

Welcome, with open arms, to the forums. Here you will find a special place  of likeminded souls who understand your experiences. It’s been a true lifesaver for me and many others. The unconditional support, empathy, and validation here was sorely missing from my life.

Good news! You are young!  Many here have taken decades to reach such certainty and courage to cut the toxic elements out of our lives. We can’t get those years back, but you can take control now to minimize your PD father’s destruction of your future.

You are also in therapy, which, I believe, is a necessity for dealing with PD parents. So you’re already along your healing journey, so huzzah! to that! Growing up with NPD parents has a particularly acute sting to it.

You mentioned gaining self respect from going NC. This is absolutely true, you will. I had no idea how low my self regard was. Because I played their dysfunctional  game for years, without realizing it, the love and respect I owed myself became a casualty of continuing to try to make it work. I was brainwashed into the dusty chestnut “you only get one family, so stick together.” It is a sick illusion that forces us into shaming and doubting our surest intuition.

And it’s a lonely path, being the only one in a family who sees exactly how NOT NORMAL and unacceptable a PD parent’s behavior is. Getting out from under it is like escaping friggin’ Mordor.   

One of the biggest errors we make, through NO FAULT of our own, is trying to apply rationality to irrational people and situations. What seems obvious and logical to us doesn’t apply to PDs. I found this fact one of the most difficult to overcome. Like, if I tried hard enough, one day, they would just “get it.” As the saying goes, “square peg, round hole.”  Sadly, it’s just wasted energy, and can be soul-crushing.

As for your letter, write out whatever you’re feeling. That’s a positive for you. I would not send it. Just because you ask nicely, or even if you are stern and put your foot down, it doesn’t mean he will hear you. Any accusations will most likely anger him more. Give him nothing he can wield back at you, or use to smear you to others. I wrote no letter, no phone call to announce NC (my DH told my Nmom I didn’t want to talk to her anymore and don’t call again, as I was having a nervous breakdown in that moment). Ghosted, with no regrets. It’s been 5 years and they have tried just about any avenue they could to break my NC. Not a peep from me. Not.One.Response.

What I have found is that there is so much power in doing nothing. I also found, over time, that I no longer had a need to tell them off. I just didn’t care any longer. I don’t hate them, I don’t love them. With them out of my life, I don’t need any kind of validation from them. Letting go of that need to be seen, to be heard by them, freed up space to be seen and heard by ones who love me. 

When I first came here, someone wrote to me that it sounded like I had given up on them changing. That resignation is usually a signal that you’re ready to go NC. I think you are there. You have already come to the actuality that there is nothing to salvage. Time to move on.
Without guilt.

Once you get through the ACT of ripping off the band aid, then you have a whole new life to embrace. The first stretch is painful- agonizing at times. There is no road map. Your timeline for getting completely Out of the FOG is yours alone. Approach it with no expectations, just openness, even though it can be extraordinarily intense at first.

Realize this is going to be an experience you have never had before. There has not been a part of your life without their long shadow hanging over you. It’s a weird feeling. You will feel rudderless, confused and overwhelmed at times. But the sense of relief is just...indescribable.

What better time to start fresh start than a new year?   

[JustKathy]

What I would really love to do it actually tell him off. Air out all my grievances and tell him how awful a parent he was and tell him how he treats people in general is abhorrent. But... if he's a true narcissist, what's the point? It's not like he'll have some AH HA! moment and turn a new leave and seek out therapy.

Hi lazyenby,

Welcome to the board. Your comment above is dead on. And your therapist is correct in saying that your words will be weaponized and used against you. I'd keep it short and to the point. No matter what you say, you're going to be the bad guy and he'll be the victim, so best to keep it brief.

I also think it's best to do things verbally and never in writing. A letter or email will be shared with other family members as proof of you hurting him. I actually learned a lot from observing how my own Nmother very carefully made sure there was never a paper trail when attacking me. She would always send letters with no return address, and the letters would be computer printed with no signature, so if I ever showed anyone she could deny sending them (and probably claim that I wrote them myself). She would often send letters and emails trying to bait me into a response, but I'd always phone her or outright ignore her. My therapist also warned me about putting things in writing, and it was good advice. I know if I had put my reasons for going NC in writing it would have given her something to validate her claims of me being cruel and abusive toward her.

If you do want to send your father a text, I'd follow your therapist's advice of a simple "do not contact me" without citing specific reasons. Trust me, he knows the reasons.

I want to wish you all the best on this life-changing journey. There may be some feelings of guilt and/or unwanted hoovering attempts at the start, but it will be worth it in the long run. You'll be SO much happier and emotionally healthier for doing it.

And remember, if you're struggling, you'll always have supportive friends in this forum.

[TwentyTwenty]

Great advice here from everyone.

I would just add from my personal perspective, the earlier that I started treating my parents like the threatening, damaging, violent hateful people that they are, the better my life became.

Once clear lines were drawn, including helpful letters as well as cease and desist orders to my family, things dramatically improved. Making things clear and legally enforceable was the key to a major change and the end of the attacks from my FOO.

The best part about involving a lawyer is I didn't have to participate in any direct communication with my foo, which lined right up with me personally having no contact with any of them.

[Honey_B]

As others have mentioned, be careful what you put in writing to a narcissist. He may end up forwarding your messages to the family, your friends or even your workplace to show everyone what a "terrible person" you are.
Anything is possible with these lunatics.

[Adria]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  I was your age when I made decisions such as yours. I am 30 years older  now. I can say it is a harsh reality to realize the abuse we've dealt with from the people who were supposed to protect us.  IMHO, I think you should do whatever will make you feel better, despite what the consequences from your narc father are.  Chances are he already smeared you to the rest of the family.  He will always make himself the victim no matter what you say or don't say, write or don't write, etc.  It's a no win.  Everyone is right here. If you write a letter or a text, it will be shown to the family. Mine was shown at a family gathering to prove how crazy I was. It gave my narc dad the fuel he needed to make me look like the creep and make him look like the poor little victim.  I didn't care. It was worth it to me to get the years of abuse off my chest no matter what he did with my letter. My letter wasn't mean and nasty. It was laid out and gave a chance for reconciliation at the end to no avail.  So, in the end, it gave me a lot of closure, because I knew for sure he didn't care about me. I knew for sure he was cold enough to throw my heartfelt words out to the whole family for his own gain, but for me it did help to get it off my chest and send it because it was the first time I got to say my piece. It helped me to move on.  My dad's brother was shown the letter and he said to me, If my child wrote me a letter like that, I would want to talk to my child about it and see if we could come to an understanding."  At least I got that much.

The other approach I would take is to simply ghost your father.  That would probably hit him the hardest if that is what you want.  He won't know what to do with that. They can't handle nothingness. 

Whatever you decide to do, do what will make you feel better in the end. With these kinds of people, it usually doesn't matter what we do, they seem to always come out on top in their twisted little world.  Make this one all about you. It doesn't matter what he does with it. You need to do what you need to do to heal.  It might help to adopt the saying, "He who cares the least wins."  Unfortunately, with narcs it is oh, so true.