Going NC with NPD parents who expect me to maintain ties with abusive sibling

[Ariella]

I've recently learned through therapy that my parents' behavior falls under NPD and that their failure to prevent my older sibling's physical and emotional abuse of me constitutes neglect.

I've always recognized my older siblings' actions to be abuse. My parents always blew off the bruises etc I would show them with "your sister really loves you." This began when I was 6 years old and the abusive sibling was 11. Nearly twice my age and double my size. They would force us to kiss and make up and continued to leave the abusive sibling in charge during their frequent evenings out. I stopped asking my parents for help because it only made the abuse worse and being told the person abusing me "loves" me was difficult to stomach.

My parents also both viciously beat me as punishment for various transgressions; I am still processing the fact that the violence of these beatings does not fall under the category of healthy punishment. 

In addition, I've realized over the last year and a half through therapy that I've been parenting upward for the last 2.5 decades and while my mother has always leaned on me for emotional support from the time I was about 12, I can't expect or receive any emotional support from them.

My mother shared inappropriate information with me about her marital difficulties including wrongdoing on my father's side, which my 12 year old self was not at all equipped for. At the time, it made me feel special that she felt she could share info with me that I knew other kids weren't hearing from their parents.

I only realized just how wrong things are with my parents when I shared the news of my first ever pregnancy and their response was one of shaming because my fiancée and I aren't married yet. (Our wedding had to get moved due to COVID-19). When I showed my mother a picture of the sonogram in the hopes that this would inspire a warmer response, she grimaced. I'll never forget the look on her face.

My parents didn't bother checking in on me at all during the pregnancy. My partner's family and our friends often asked for bump pics and pregnancy updates. My parents had zero interest.

Instead, they sent me multiple angry emails about the guardianship of my differently-abled brother (whose guardianship I would like to assume once my parents are incapacitated). They had no thought for how such nasty emails on such a sensitive topic would impact me during my pregnancy.

When I received the terrible news in the final weeks of pregnancy that our first child was stillborn, I knew I couldn't expect any support from my parents. They were duly informed, but never bothered checking in to see how we were coping with this heartbreaking outcome. My needs didn't matter to them.

At my request, my partner set up a chat group for him + parents, so they could receive periodic updates / greetings etc. I was too hurt to speak with them directly. I was once again pregnant, and wanted to save myself the pain of further inappropriate comments from them.

In less than 3 months of us having buried our firstborn, my parents resumed the angry emails to me, asking why I'm not communicating with them. I now understand that I am their supply and that they are angry it has been cut off.

My parents are ignoring communications from my partner and have told him they won't accept "indirect communications" with me through him.

They are seemingly oblivious to the fact that I feel more comfortable with indirect communications with them, and see nothing wrong with demanding we accommodate their communication preferences when we are still in mourning. 

They took my recent birthday (still less than 3 months since we buried our firstborn) as an appropriate time to inform me that they expect me to share guardianship of my differently-abled brother with the sibling who abused me throughout my childhood and early adulthood, because I have been in reduced contact with my parents.

The ONLY thing I have asked my parents for in these past 6 years is that they will not force me to share my brother's guardianship with the abusive sibling. (The abusive sibling went NC with the entire family about 15 years ago and is recently LC with my parents). They have always agreed they won't do this, that they can see it wouldn't work.

They also know if they make the abusive sibling the guardian, that person might restrict my access to my brother or otherwise make it difficult for me to spend time with him.

On top of this, they also know I am the only sibling who has maintained regular contact with our brother. I am also the only sibling who has attended any of our brother's medical appointments in the last 6 years. I'm the sibling at the table when it comes to the annual meetings between the family and his care providers. And yet in spite of the fact that I am the only sibling involved in our brother's care, my parents are now insisting on shared guardianship between the abusive sibling and myself. It's sickening.

They know I won't feel comfortable participating in my brothers care because I will never feel comfortable having to communicate with the abusive sibling again. So by saying I must share guardianship with the abusive sibling, they are really saying I won't be able to play a role in my brother's future care.

I've been part of discussions with the law office drafting the successor guardianship plans (unlike the abusive sibling) and recently contacted them to share my concerns about shared guardianship.

The lawyer understood my concerns and  advised my parents that shared guardianship would not lead to a good outcome.

I was due to have a follow up call with them last week but was informed at the time of the appointment that the lawyer cannot speak with me unless I provide a signed release form from my parents.

My parents put a gag order on me because I told the lawyer the truth about the abuse and estrangement issues within the family.

I've written to the lawyer to ask if this means they will only hear any concerns I have about shared guardianship if these are communicated to them by another lawyer. No response.

I now feel well justified in my decision to go NC with my parents. I'm in the second trimester of a high risk pregnancy and need to limit my exposure to anything toxic. My parents have shown they can't be trusted to communicate with me (or my partner) appropriately.

At some point I will have to figure out whether there is anything I can do re: my brother's guardianship. There is no way I can share it with my abuser, and if there is no alternative, I will have to come to terms with exiting from my brother's life for my own peace of mind. It's heartbreaking.

For now, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that there won't be any further contact between me and my parents. That I am no longer going to be the person who sorts out their affairs / funerals / home when they pass away. And the fact that they won't have any knowledge of / relationship with any of my future children. It's a lot to wrap my head around.

I've done a lot for my parents in the last few decades - sponsored their immigration to a new country, championed my mother to attend further education so she can further her career, worked with my father on his CV to try to help him get better jobs, I've paid for them to visit the estranged (and abusive) sibling so they could meet their grandkids at least once, I've gifted my mother with expensive jewelry.

I can see from the resources in this group that I have had "fix it syndrome", always trying to make my miserable parents happy, and I've learned in therapy that I always put my parents' needs first because most kids think "if my parents are okay, my world is okay".

So many unhealthy patterns to unlearn here. If you've read this far and have any encouragement / insight re: going NC with them, or the awful position they've put me in re: my brother, please share your comments. Thanks.

[Ariella]

Sorry guys, I know that was long, I wanted to be sure I was providing all the necessary context.

I'd be grateful for any guidance as I get used to being NC with my parents and any validation that this is the right decision.

[Thru the Rain]

Ariella - I'm so sorry for the loss of your first baby.

I'm also appalled at your parent's treatment of you through your entire life, and their callous disregard for your recent loss.

You clearly have given your parents beyond the benefit of the doubt, and now realize you need to protect yourself and your family of choice.

I have read so many people's stories here on Out of the FOG where the arrival of their own children pushed them to put firm boundaries around their relationships with abusive parents. In some cases that's setting an adult to adult relationship, and in many cases it has lead to reduced or even no contact.

I don't know you personally, but from what you describe, you've made the right decision.

I wish you peace for the rest of your pregnancy. Congratulations for the new baby!

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You sure have had a bad time. I am so sorry about the loss of your firstborn. 
I think you are doing the right thing in staying away from people who cause you pain and hurt, even if it is your family. You show great insight that you have enabled your parent's behaviour towards you, of course you have been trained to do so,  and now you have your own family and now you wisely choose to do things differently. That shows that you are taking good care of yourself.
You have found a good place here, full of support and information.
I wish you good luck with your pregnancy.
See you around on the boards!

[D.]

Ariella,  Wecome to the forum.  I am so sorry that you have been mistreated by the very people who were supposed to provide you with appropriate love an support.  I believe that you will find some great support here. 

I felt the need to let you know that I too lost a baby before birth.  It was increbibly painful and on top of the grief over that loss I too had to deal with the inappropriate response of my own FOO which included lack of empathy and outright irritation over my pain.  In fact, in handsight I understand it was a moment in time that really got me on the path towards recovery.  I started therapy at that time.  I was aware of PD in general at the time, but unaware of how it impacted my FOO.  It took many years for me to quit the denial and look straight on at the realiy in my FOO.  In fact, it was once my children were adults.  I share this story to commend you on becoming aware now, as you begin your family.  Although painful, I see that this awareness will strengthen your capacity as a mother.  What a lucky and blessed baby you will have!

[Spring Butterfly]

Hello and I just want to add my welcome, I'm so sorry for your loss and wishing you peace and blessings for your incoming little one. I too "parented upward" from childhood until I retired myself from that role having come Out of the FOG a few years ago after landing here. Although heartbreaking I'm glad you got out much earlier than I did in life. Your life will be peaceful and amazing the more you heal.