Pd Mum endless interfering

[EUMum]

I haven't posted on this part of the site for a while. I thought I had sorted out the situation with pdM, imposing boundaries etc. I have been focusing on leaving pdH, but it seems whenever I am about to leave, pdM rears her head and ruins things.

I am actually so depressed right now I can barely write.
I am meant to be leaving pdH, but pdM has been hounding me - basically telling me I should have left long ago, pestering me about when am I leaving. Her latest, another viscous verbal attack on me last week, she yelled at me and started angry-crying, saying I am treating my parents like shit, saying my marriage has been so awful for HER. I dared to defend myself. I said nobody knows what it is like to leave a marriage unless they have been through it. She is not living in my marriage, so how can it have a bad effect on HER? Well then she really went to town on me, accusing me of being an awful person. I'm still shaking.

The thing that really gets to me is that my marriage is not half as bad as my parents marriage. They hate each other, and put each other through hell, and they are still together. I know I will probably leave pdH, but I think I will be able to do so in an amicable way. His pd is not half as severe as my mother's. She has been complaining about that too; saying he should only get to see the kids once a week, and a load of other totally unreasonable opinions.

Going through a separation is hard enough, but now I have this mentally ill parent in my head, yelling and criticising and pressuring me. It's the last thing I need, and I really want it all to stop.

Thanks for listening

[SunnyMeadow]

If I were you I wouldn't give pdM any information what's going on with you and your marriage. She is not a safe person to give any info to. She weaponizes it to use against you. I'm so sorry EUMum, this sounds awful and terribly stress inducing.

I'd put her on the back burner too. She doesn't need to be involved with your day to day life either. How dare she say all these things?! Honestly, shut the door on her for a while. If she keeps pestering you, I'd tell her that you can't have this stress and anger from her. You are a grown woman, you don't need any input from her. You have enough going on without her crap and anger. Your marriage has been awful for her?   

Protect yourself, live in a safe cocoon of calm without your mother's input.

[Hilltop]

I think you need a safe place to talk and a supportive person to talk to and that isn't your mother.  I would go speak to a therapist.  I would not talk to your mother about your upcoming separation.  The fact that your mother turned it around onto herself and then put you down by saying you were awful is very damaging to you at a time when you are so fragile going through a separation.

I suggest a therapist as you do need to talk to someone and perhaps you are feeling very alone in all of this so you are possibly turning to your mother for support, however your mother is not able to give support.  She is telling you that you should have left a long time ago however she has not left her unhappy marriage, so she is projecting.  This isn't about you however that is probably hard to see at the moment.

It may seem hard to stop sharing information with your mother but I really think this would help.  Just tell her that you are speaking to a therapist and only want to discuss your separation in therapy.  I would not listen to your mothers opinions about the divorce or what she thinks should happen.  Sit down and make plans for yourself, how you want to do things.  Take your time, you can do this, you can decide these things for yourself, trust yourself. 

It's really a lot to deal with, I feel you need some time to really think about the separation and sort through that without the interference from your mother.  It would probably help to lower contact a little so you are not dealing with that at the same time or put the boundary in place that as soon as she starts becoming aggressive you leave or hang up the phone.

[Maxtrem]

One thing I have noticed in my family. PDs have a strong tendency to act very inappropriately when an event automatically takes their attention away from them. I've often witnessed really inappropriate behavior when there was a death, or a really sick person. For example, my narc uncle who kept complaining about his problems and that he had a difficult life while my grandmother was dying. Anything to bring attention back to him, even if it was inappropriate!

Maybe your mother is tired of the discussions revolving around you, that she wants to become the center of the universe again. Separation is a difficult time and she won't want to give you any support, according to them they are the ones who need to have attention and support, never the other way around, they are incapable of it. PDs take and as long as they take inordinately without giving anything significant in return and as long as this balance is broken, narcissistic rage arises.   

Confiding in your mother is therefore not a good idea. Personally, for the past 2 years, the only discussions I have had with my mother have been about: the temperature, the covid, that I work hard, her health, her dog! And she hasn't noticed anything unusual!

[GettingOOTF]

My experience leaving my abusive marriage was that it was incredibly triggering for others.

My therapist explained that my taking actions to leave essentially forced others to look at their situation and their choices to stay.

There is a saying "misery loves company". Over the last few years I have made a lot of positive changes to my life. I have noticed that this has cost me many relationships and when I look closely I see that these friends and family members were in similar situations to me. I see now that I was in a worse situation than many and it was comforting for them to say to themselves "at least my situation isn't as bad as Gettings".

I used to over share about my problems. This gave people ammunition against me. Now I'm a lot more selective about what information I give to others. It's brought a lot of peace in to my life.

[Sneezy]

If I were you I wouldn't give pdM any information what's going on with you and your marriage. She is not a safe person to give any info to. She weaponizes it to use against you.

This is so typical of many PD people - your mom is weaponizing the info you share with her.  One good way to deal with this is medium chill.  Don't give her any ammunition.  When you talk to her, keep it light and breezy and "everything's going according to plan, mom, now tell me what you think of all that rain we had last night" kind of stuff.

This is easier said than done when you are dealing with a separation and when it would be so helpful to have people in your corner to talk to.  Unfortunately, your mom can't be one of those people.  A therapist or friend or minister or anyone else you can trust - those are all better choices.  You can't trust your mom to safeguard your personal information.  Which is a shame and not at all how it should be.