Radio silence

[Phoenix Rising]

I have a situation where a persistent ex-uNPD/APD went from just being psychologically abusive to physically abusive in rapid succession. I went to the police, things are in process. Now he is on his best behaviour - no more hoovering, stalking (that I know about), things that are actionable - just radio silence. I feel frustrated because it is difficult to show the police that he is still a threat and that I need a protective order. It's also sad to write that while I am thankful to get some relief, I have become so accustomed to the hoovers that I am on guard constantly and anticipate them. 

Has anyone experienced the PD suddenly going silent on them? Not in the sense of a discard but more that the PD has done something that can land them in a lot of trouble, so they stop all the abusive behaviours and manipulation. Is this typical or common?

[commongoal123]

Hey OP,

I have definitely experienced the classic Narcissistic discard before, and I understand that what you're explaining here is different.

With that being said, I do think that regardless of PD or not, anyone who has half a brain and knows if they don't stop what they're doing will land them into a ton of legal trouble will likely dissappear like this.  (In the sense that they are aware the police have been notified amd their back is up against a wall pertaining to options).  Your ex is probably furious over this because it takes away control from him.

Here's where he still has control though....  you are still wondering and worried about what his actions might be.  Be mindful for your own safety, but also try and not let "figuring him out" dominate your thoughts.

Take this radio silence as an opportunity to disconnect from him.  He may pop back up on the radar, and he may not.  Likely though, he might try to start fresh with another victim because it would be easier for him at this point.  Maybe this is a combined Discard along with him staying away because he knows if he doesn't he's in trouble/will be exposed?

Either way... try and be calm and stay safe.  Magnesium supplements at night before bed have helped me with this.  A Magnesium product callee "Natural Calm".  You can find it on Amazon and health food stores.  In times of stress, Magnesium is depleted at a rapid rate, so make sure you are putting the stuff your body needs into it my friend 👍✌❤

[Phoenix Rising]

Hey OP,

I have definitely experienced the classic Narcissistic discard before, and I understand that what you're explaining here is different.

With that being said, I do think that regardless of PD or not, anyone who has half a brain and knows if they don't stop what they're doing will land them into a ton of legal trouble will likely dissappear like this.  (In the sense that they are aware the police have been notified amd their back is up against a wall pertaining to options).  Your ex is probably furious over this because it takes away control from him.

Here's where he still has control though....  you are still wondering and worried about what his actions might be.  Be mindful for your own safety, but also try and not let "figuring him out" dominate your thoughts.

Take this radio silence as an opportunity to disconnect from him.  He may pop back up on the radar, and he may not.  Likely though, he might try to start fresh with another victim because it would be easier for him at this point.  Maybe this is a combined Discard along with him staying away because he knows if he doesn't he's in trouble/will be exposed?

Either way... try and be calm and stay safe.  Magnesium supplements at night before bed have helped me with this.  A Magnesium product callee "Natural Calm".  You can find it on Amazon and health food stores.  In times of stress, Magnesium is depleted at a rapid rate, so make sure you are putting the stuff your body needs into it my friend 👍✌❤

Thanks for your reply.

You make a great point about giving him control still through my thoughts. I have been meeting with a therapist every week or so and we are working together on this. It's taking longer than I'd like, it's really frustrating.

I thought when I reported him previously earlier this year that he would stay away. But he hoovered two months after the police decided that the case wouldn't result in a conviction. When I saw him again three months ago, I was assaulted, strangled and confined. I don't know at the moment how to stop trying to anticipate what he will do next due to this and the violence. I think I am still in shock about what happened since he had only been psychologically abusive in the time I've known him up until some months ago.

Thanks for the recommendation about magnesium. I actually have some magnesium supplements but I haven't taken them in some time. I didn't know stress can do that! I've been exercising regularly but hadn't thought about using supplements. I'm going to start them again and see how it goes. Hoping for the best, thank you 

[ShyTurtle]

Yes! So this past June, I left a pd ex partner for good (was the second time I left) and he stalked me intensively at first. I called the police to file a non-urgent report. They contacted him and warned him to stop harassing me online. He mostly did. Then, in the early fall, my ex husband caught him doing a slow drive by his house - 2 times actually (because he assumed I was back with my ex-husband once when I was picking up my kids - hilarious!) And then I called the police again. This time when they warned him to stop and he actually went very quiet for a long time. Then he figured out how to message me last month through another messenger service! (Which I ignored and blocked him on.) So I'm going to say, depending on how determined this person is, maybe this is the last you'll hear from them, or maybe not. Please be careful!

[Phoenix Rising]

Yes! So this past June, I left a pd ex partner for good (was the second time I left) and he stalked me intensively at first. I called the police to file a non-urgent report. They contacted him and warned him to stop harassing me online. He mostly did. Then, in the early fall, my ex husband caught him doing a slow drive by his house - 2 times actually (because he assumed I was back with my ex-husband once when I was picking up my kids - hilarious!) And then I called the police again. This time when they warned him to stop and he actually went very quiet for a long time. Then he figured out how to message me last month through another messenger service! (Which I ignored and blocked him on.) So I'm going to say, depending on how determined this person is, maybe this is the last you'll hear from them, or maybe not. Please be careful!

Thanks shyturtle! I remember reading where you are from and I miss the police's approaches there to putting a stop to stalking. I know in my situation, this guy would have been thrown in jail already. It is quite different where I am now. Unfortunately, as you probably know, it seems some PDs and stalkers just get fueled by police/court involvement and go on regardless. Others are really calculated and stop for awhile then continue again, like what you've described with your ex. I hope you are staying safe yourself.. what you've experienced is sadly common, both from what I've experienced myself and read from others. It feels so annoying to have to get new phone numbers, social media and so on because of their behaviour.

Do you have the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker? If you haven't read it, I really recommend it. I just finished reading it after some recommendations from other forum members and it was insightful. After reading, I've gathered in my situation that there have been MANY statements and signals I ignored. And that I should rely on the behaviour he has shown. He has shown that he is not deterred about police involvement (he has been previously reported), he feels both entitled/arrogant in general and other stalking behaviours that show he thinks he has "justification". I could probably write a lot more but I want to keep this short

I am not going to dwell but continue taking steps to keep myself safe for now.  Even though he has got to me before, I picked up a new unregistered SIM today. My hope is that he never gets in touch and that taking this step again will help reduce the thoughts and fears about hoovering. As the situation changes (charges, court date, etc), I may assess things again and take further steps to protect myself.

I hope you are staying safe in your situation with your ex and your roommate.